I’ve been struggling for the past several weeks. You see, I came up with a better idea for my last post right after publishing it. The problem is, my “better idea” will be even harder for people to stomach than “Dead Puppies Insult My Intelligence.” In the interest of artistic freedom and general bad taste, I have decided to publish that other idea now. If you are capable of being offended, please do not read any further.
The following is a public service announcement from the writer of this blog.
If you or your loved ones happen to discover the flattened carcass of a girl scout lying on the road, please do not touch, eat, or otherwise disturb it. God put roadkill on this earth so that the flies and vultures might prosper, for He loves the smallest and ugliest creatures on this earth as much as He adores the cute little girl scout. The car that squished the girl scout is an instrument of His will.
God Bless Chrysler.
In keeping with the girl scout’s theological purpose, please wait for the county’s professional sanitation workers to properly dispose of her. It is government’s proper role to serve as God’s right hand and clean up the mess He occasionally makes, no matter the odor you must endure while waiting, no matter how many children start weeping upon seeing the dead girl scout, no matter whether the girl scout would have consented to being part of this spiritually bureaucratic undertaking.
And while you wait, please be so kind as to remove the girl scout’s poo from the sidewalk. It is unpleasant to look at.
Moral of the story: Most shocking blog posts can be made even more cringe-inducing by replacing the main character with a girl scout.