Things that insult my intelligence

Girl Scouts Insult My Intelligence

I’ve been struggling for the past several weeks.  You see, I came up with a better idea for my last post right after publishing it.  The problem is, my “better idea” will be even harder for people to stomach than “Dead Puppies Insult My Intelligence.”  In the interest of artistic freedom and general bad taste, I have decided to publish that other idea now.  If you are capable of being offended, please do not read any further.

Since these girls are no longer girls, I guess the image is safe to use here.  (For copyright information, go here.)

Since these girls are no longer girls, I guess the image is safe to use here. (For copyright information, go here.)

The following is a public service announcement from the writer of this blog.

If you or your loved ones happen to discover the flattened carcass of a girl scout lying on the road, please do not touch, eat, or otherwise disturb it.  God put roadkill on this earth so that the flies and vultures might prosper, for He loves the smallest and ugliest creatures on this earth as much as He adores the cute little girl scout.  The car that squished the girl scout is an instrument of His will.

God Bless Chrysler.

In keeping with the girl scout’s theological purpose, please wait for the county’s professional sanitation workers to properly dispose of her.  It is government’s proper role to serve as God’s right hand and clean up the mess He occasionally makes, no matter the odor you must endure while waiting, no matter how many children start weeping upon seeing the dead girl scout, no matter whether the girl scout would have consented to being part of this spiritually bureaucratic undertaking.

And while you wait, please be so kind as to remove the girl scout’s poo from the sidewalk.  It is unpleasant to look at.

Moral of the story: Most shocking blog posts can be made even more cringe-inducing by replacing the main character with a girl scout.

Dead Puppies Insult My Intelligence

The following is a public service announcement from the writer of this blog.

If you or your loved ones happen to discover the flattened carcass of a puppy lying on the road, please do not touch, eat, or otherwise disturb it.  God put roadkill on this earth so that the flies and vultures might prosper, for He loves the smallest and ugliest creatures on this earth as much as He adores the cute little puppy.  The car that squished the puppy is an instrument of His will.

God Bless Chrysler.

In keeping with the puppy’s theological purpose, please wait for the county’s professional sanitation workers to properly dispose of her.  It is government’s proper role to serve as God’s right hand and clean up the mess He occasionally makes, no matter the odor you must endure while waiting, no matter how many children start weeping upon seeing the dead puppy, no matter whether the puppy would have consented to being part of this spiritually bureaucratic undertaking.

And while you wait, please be so kind as to remove the puppy’s poo from the sidewalk.  It is unpleasant to look at.

No dead puppies to see here.  Please move along.  (Image credit: Adam Gerard)

No dead puppies to see here. Please move along. (Image credit: Adam Gerard)

Bad Writing Suggestions Insult My Intelligence

I have nothing interesting to say today.  Call it writer’s block if you like.

Of course, people often say that the best way to overcome writer’s block is to sit down and look for inspiration from whatever words manage to come out of you.

Okay, I’ll try it.  Here’s the random smattering of ideas that are running through my head:

Sleep is fun.

Pollen is not fun.  Achoo.

That’s a very nice stapler sitting over there.  I forgot I had it.

I believe that worms have a right to dig holes in the lawn until a chicken crosses the road to eat them.

And now for something completely random:

Rand Paul looks like he was born with a spittoon on his head.

The Greek gods are dead because, as it turns out, feta cheese is carcinogenic.

Mogwai!  Mogwai!

I’m done now because I still have nothing interesting to say today.

Your Blog Insults My Intelligence

I would like to welcome the new bloggers who are reading this post.  I’m sure you’re all excited to start writing and build a large and loyal audience.  The thousands of you starting today all believe that you have something special to offer the blogosphere: unique insights, original jokes, or perhaps an especially poetic way of writing that will win you the adoration of people across the world.

By now, you’ve probably noticed that your blog’s traffic statistics aren’t what you had hoped for.  Since you’re searching in vain for that magic bullet that will generate the awestruck readership you desperately feel you deserve, I’d like to share a very important secret from the blogging world:

Your blog sucks.

I’ve seen your jokes before and your personal stories have been told hundreds of times by people with superior storytelling skills and writerly competence.  Of course, your tales do contain one unique element: instead of choosing a fun name for your dog, you call him Fido.

I see little reason why anyone should want to read your work, unless of course they’re reciprocating for the visits you give them.  Is that what you dreamed of?  Cashing in (minus the cash) on other people’s sense of obligation?

The trophy is clip art from Power Point.  As you can see, I'm trying to be as vapid and unoriginal as you are.

The trophy is clip art from Power Point. As you can see, I’m trying to be as vapid and unoriginal as you are.

And then there are the unfortunate people who work for WordPress and other similar companies.  The only way they can stay in business is to convince gullible saps like you that your work has value and deserves the added oomph of paid upgrades and services.

Of course, you’ll quit within a few months… after buying a year-long upgrade.  For that, I thank you.  Like people who buy a gym membership who actually use it, I benefit from the reduced costs associated with using a service that many people pay for in advance and quickly give up on.

The less you write, the less bandwidth WordPress has to pay for.  That means I get more free goodies.

I would also like to remind you that today is April Fool’s Day.  You are a brilliant writer, just like everyone else who has a blog.  You should also know that the various blogging companies make no attempt to manipulate your blogging self-esteem and/or comfort in an attempt to maximize their profits.  They exist for your happiness.

With that in mind, I’d like to close with a song:

If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it
Then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop

Christmas Trees Insult My Intelligence

Christmas should be every day, sort of.  (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

Christmas should be every day, sort of. (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

I came home last night to find a festive bundle of decaying holiday joy shining through the window of my neighbor’s house.

Too many punchlines come to mind.

Because of this, I would like to wish everyone a Merry March Madness and present a list of the top ten reasons you finally need to get rid of that Christmas tree:

10- Unlike the lovely holiday sweaters you received, you can’t regift the tree without investing a lot of time and money into the effort.

9- If you wanted to arrange dried pieces of firewood so that they could achieve inferno status in minimum time, you couldn’t do much better than to build a Christmas tree shape.  And by the way, the warranty on those lights you bought in December has expired.

8- In December, you said “we shouldn’t let secular distractions infringe on a religious holiday.”  Now that Easter is coming, I’d like to return the favor.  We’re all going to notice your tree and not your religious exhortations.  (On the other hand, maybe the tree can last a few weeks longer…)

7- The electricity company’s Christmas special is no longer running.

6- Unlike the frankenturkey, your tree cannot be revived.

5- What fun is a Christmas tree if it no longer has needles for you to clean off of the floor?

4- That’s not penicillin growing at the base and your dog will get sick if he decides it’s tasty.

3- You could shove the top of that tree up an angel’s underside because the angel isn’t real.  Your pet rabbit is getting worried that you’ll try to change the tree’s theme for Easter.  Expect a revolt.

2- That is a tree, not a bush.  If you wish to display political advertisements for Jeb, this is one of the few methods that makes you look less intelligent than the Tea Partiers.  At least the Tea Partiers recycled their trees.

1- No one is bringing you any gifts.  Get over it.

Reading the Stories Insults My Intelligence

These days, I rarely write a new post on two consecutive days.  However, you may know of some critically important international crises that deserve immediate attention.  We must discuss them now and we must discuss them well.

Well…

Because the situation’s so urgent, we must visit the most respected informational source in existence: Playboy.

And guess who’s being featured in Playboy…

Confront your fear of Playboy.  I dare you.  (Image credit: Valstein0)

Confront your fear of Playboy. I dare you. (Image credit: Valstein0)

No, not Miley Cyrus.  Playboy is an intellectual publication and only produces material to engage the most significant of minds.  That said, you surely will not be surprised to discover Dick Cheney’s picture if you click on this link.

Actually, you’ll find three pictures of the former Vice President… and he consented to this.

Your dreams have finally come true.

Side note to readers:  As a man, I feel the natural obligation to explain how I ever-so-innocently happened upon the Playboy website.  I clicked on a headline and I didn’t realize that such a scandalous publication would be involved.  I cast thee to Hell, Playboy, and I hope my female admirers are satisfied with that gesture of solidarity with whatever it is I’m showing solidarity with.

I really did visit Playboy to read a story.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Insult My Intelligence

War.

Famine.

Pestilence.

Death.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What’s wrong with this picture? (Image is in the public domain.)

And they’re all men.

Does this strike anyone else as inherently sexist?  Women can destroy the world as effectively as men can.  They just need a chance to let their evil ways shine.

I would take a moment to ask my thoughtful readers which of the horsemen would most appropriately be depicted as a horsewoman.  Instead, long live free advertising.  I may ask the question one day as a writing prompt on my other blog.  For now, you’ll just have to marvel at my wisdom and perhaps click the cheerful happy link.

Clicky clicky…


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