Ice Insults My Intelligence

Yesterday I tried a bland, boring advertisement for my new blog.  (Click here to visit.)  The new blog showcases a side of myself you don’t often see on Bumblepuppies… namely the hardcore academic side.  Around here, you get the humor end of business and that’s probably what you’d hope for from the ever popular gratuitous advertisement from me.

So, I’m trying again.  This time, I’m taking a page from the future and from the past.

My new blog, The Blacklight Candelabra, will offer writing challenges and I’m composing this post in response to a writing challenge.   Since you can only hide a brain inside a zombie’s mouth (and I choose not to do that), you might call that my professional side to some extent.

But then again, I was Freshly Pressed this year for writing a musical parody.  This is closer to the person my oldest friends would recognize and it’s the person my regular readers are most familiar with.  I suppose it’s also what makes my arrogance endearing to everyone I meet.

With that in mind, I offer you a breathtaking musical rendition of quality marketing material for my new blog.

To the tune of:

Yo, Bumblepups, let’s kick it!

Blacklight baby
Blacklight baby
All right dogs
The candelabra’s up now
Pups is back with a gift for your diction
Ideas grab a hold of you weekly
Shoot like a harpoon quick and meekly
Will it ever stop?
Yo, I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I’ll rock your blog like a vandal
Light up the cage and free your brain, it’s no scandal.
Write!
Light up the candle and glow
I’m feedin’ your brain like philosopher Rousseau.
Deadly, when I write a cruel challenge ’cause
Anything fluffy and light does not move paws.
Love it or leave it
You better gain brains
You better hit bull’s eye
The pups don’t play
If there was a problem
Yo, I’ll solve it
Check out the blog while my big brain evolves it

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Now that the zombies are jumping
With the new year in and the brain cells are pumpin’
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I’m saving them brains like a golden kraken
Saving them if they’re so quick and nimble
I go crazy when I see you’re dismal.
And the bloggers with a souped up tempo
They’re on a roll and it’s time to plead nolo.
Buildin’ up your 4.0
With my kitchen here so your brains can grow
The zombies on standby
Waving just to say hi
Did they stop?
No, they all passed by
Kept on pursuing to another space
They busted a left and they’re heading to the next blog
That blog is dead.

Yo so I continued to Candel… hey! Blacklight Ave
Brains were smart answering all my topics
Zombies expelled, visiting the tropics,
Jealous ’cause I got all the brains
Play with a rage and attention is all mine
Ready for the pings on the back
The pings are acting swell because they’re full of great acts
Blog posts rang out like a bell
I grabbed all nine
The information gels.
Hopin’ for the pingbacks real fast
Logged in again, was not aghast
Topic to topic, the blog will be packed
I’m tryin’ to bring some friends before zombies attack
Zombies on the scene?
You know what I mean…
They’ll pass us up, and mesmerize all the dope fiends.
If there was a Zombie
Yo, I’ll kill it
Check out the blog while my big brain distills it

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Take heed, ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
The puppy’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My blog, that disposed of all the brain fog
Enough to shake and kick holes in a dog
‘Cause my blog is like a chemical spill
Feasible thoughts that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
We play through the days, slice the zombie, hell oh yeah!
Cut like a razor blade so fast
Other bloggers say, “damn”
If my blog was a drug
I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized as I write while I kick my juice
If there was a Zombie
Yo, I’ll kill it!
Check out the blog while my big brain does fill it.

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Yo man, let’s get over there.
Word from your teacher.

Blacklight baby
Too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool

 

The Blacklight Candelabra: Protecting Your Brains from Zombies in the Coming Year

The Twelfth Day of Christmas Insults My Intelligence

Here it is, the final day of our Christmas fun.  May you all have an enjoyable holiday that is free from injury, death, and bad music.  May you emerge from this season with piles of expensive presents that you can sell to fund something for me.

Now… let’s get on with the show.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that has insulted me:


Twelve angry zombies

 

Eleven acts of Congress

(Photo credit: Architect of the Capitol)

Unfortunately for the zombies, they found no brains to eat at the Capitol.   (Photo credit: Architect of the Capitol)

Ten breast enhancements

(Photo credit: Shira Gal)

The zombies were smart because they realized that breast cancer survivors are the only boobjob recipients with brains.  It’s just another of the disease’s lethal side effects.  (Photo credit: Shira Gal)

Nine smelly reindeer

(Photo credit: Keven Law)

Reindeer brains are too small, so the zombies went in search of larger prey.  (Photo credit: Keven Law)

Eight vegan cookies

(Photo credit: veganchicksrock)

The zombies were even less amused with the cookies than the not-so-undead were.  (Photo credit: veganchicksrock)

Seven cancelled flights

(Photo credit for original: Allen Skyy)

Picture it: thousands of brain-toting people trapped in a snow-covered airport.   (Photo credit for original: Allen Skyy)

Six sixes sixing

Because Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas are too culturally exclusive, the local Satanist Temple has registered a new holiday: Satan’s Solstice.  Although the solstice part has some historical legitimacy, it’s just not politically correct to exclude a contemporary religious belief system from the naming convention.

Being undead, Zombies aren’t really tempted by contemporary Satanism.

Five drunk fratboys

Pickled brains also taste good. (Arthur Browne created this image. Art likes monkeys, probably because he claims to be a monkey. You can see more monkeys on his blog, Pouring My Art Out.)

Four weeks of church

f

The local Zombie Commission has been invited to partake of the Body and Blood of Christ so that you may see that His flesh is truly present before you.   Brain wafer, anyone?  (Thanks to James O’Neil at Memories of a Time for providing the image.  He also did the glasswork.)

 

Three Santas

(Photo credit: Josh Roulston)

If we’re lucky, one of them will survive long enough to deliver presents.  (Photo credit: Josh Roulston)

Two tacky gifts

(Photo credit for original: Richard Huber)

Hey Mr. Zombie!  Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just happy to see my brain?  (Photo credit for original: Richard Huber)

And the kid who wants a large breed

(Photo credit: Steve Harris)

So THAT’S why she wanted the tiger.  Smart kid.   (Photo credit: Steve Harris)

Blogger’s note: This was the 12th installment of a 12 part series.  All photos had new captions in each post, so you missed a lot if you only saw this post.  For all earlier posts in this series, click on the “twelve days of Christmas” link below.