Forgetfulness Insults My Intelligence

A very (Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski)

The ghost of Christmas past has gotten a lot more dramatic with time.  (Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski)

I remember.
Ten years ago,
You were interested.
You convinced our friends
to leave us
alone.

Idiots.

I wasn’t interested.
You didn’t talk to me
for a year
until they talked some sense into you.
Or cheer.
Or maybe a bribe.
Or tequila.

The good old days.

And now,
we meet.
You and yours.
A friend and his.
Me,
and your best friend.

She’s interested.
You know I’m not.
You’re setting us up.

Those who forget their history
are doomed to inflict it on others.

Your ego was
tolerated
until then
because I remember the old you.

You lost that memory
underneath the TV shows,
movies,
fast food adoration
and the willingness to
falsify your own memoir.

I’m not so willing
to jump
into razor blades
covered
with french fries
and chocolate pudding
because you
want to dance
without guilt.

Innocence is knowing that it’s the other person’s fault.
Thank you for freeing me.

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Temptation Insults My Intelligence

Even though I had decided not to do any more award acceptances, this one had way too much baggage entertainment value for me to skip it.

So here we go.  Ron Lewis has nominated me for the Liebster Award.  Before I get to the good stuff, I’ll deal with his question first:

 

If you inherited a lot of money or won the lottery and never had to worry about money or work again, how would that change your life, and what would you like to do that is different?

 

And my answer:

 

I would never worry about money or work again, and that’s what I would like to do differently.

But now the fun part:  Ron’s ex-wife also follows this blog.

I will behave myself.
I will behave myself.
I will behave myself.
I will behave myself.

I warned Ron and his ex that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do an award acceptance post, but both urged me to do an entertaining one.  They know I’m always happy to please my readers.

Therefore:

The following is a fictional representation.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

An insurance salesman and a menopausal pentagenarian walk into a bar.

 

Before the party started.  (Photo credit: Evan Munro)

Before the party started. (Photo credit: Evan Munro)

 

The women were all over the salesman because he’s built exactly like Brock Lesnar.  Or maybe they just needed insurance.  You never know.

On the other hand, the lady more closely resembles Weird Al Yankovic, but with a much better figure and no discernible facial hair… plus makeup and a vagina.  And since the average 20-something guy would grope anything that sports a pair of DD’s and some nice long hair, Madame Yankovic was getting plenty of positive attention too.

Our two protagonists had somehow remained friends even though they were divorced.  However, the divorce opened up a brand new can of worms that neither of them could have expected.  Madame Yankovic, clad in her favorite hot pink lamé body suit with “Abercrombie” printed across the butt, had always been popular with her sons’ friends… but now the sons were away at college.  The friends, however, were not and a couple of them frequented that very bar.

Upon seeing her, the two friends walked up to her and started making nice; her sons weren’t there to dissuade their friends from an attempted “conquest.”  And the friends knew they didn’t have to fear Mr. Lesnar anymore because of the divorce but they could have never predicted Madame Yankovic’s reaction to their advances.  You see, Madame Yankovic is an upstanding human being with no ethical weaknesses whatsoever.  Therefore, the emerging threat to her chastity inspired her to rush to the nearest church and take a few vows.

Sister Mary Alfred Yankovic is now the sexiest nun in California.  And, fortunately for her, the enemies of virtue would never think she’d consider life in a convent.  Her morals are permanently safe now.

Meanwhile, Mr. Lesnar is living it up with the ladies.  He remains comfortable and a little smug with the knowledge that he gets a lot more action than his religiously affiliated ex.  Plus, the nuns eagerly purchased insurance from him because he was so understanding of his ex-wife’s religious “enlightenment.”

So they all lived happily ever after.

Blogger’s notes:

I’m not spending my time nominating blogs for the Liebster Award because I need to wash my hair.  If you want an award, consider yourself nominated.  Or you can have this nifty award.

Also, be sure to come back to this post and check for new comments now and again.  Them lovebirds will surely entertain you with their witticisms.

Marriage Counseling Insults My Intelligence

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I’m covering my ears.  Do you have a problem with that? (Photo credit: thatguygil)

Congratulations on your impending divorce!  Before you got married, some of our friends predicted that your relationship wouldn’t last long but you exceeded everyone’s expectations

Sort of.

There was, of course, the bickering, the bickering, and the bickering.  If you have guests over, or are guests at someone else’s home, you shouldn’t be arguing loudly for thirty minutes, repeatedly, about insignificant details.

But that’s not your greatest fault as a couple.  See, when things went wrong, you decided that I would be an excellent person to talk things over with.  Me, the bachelor with no psychological training whatsoever.  I can only smile and nod in that situation… though I’m only smiling on the inside and that’s because you make me thankful to not have married so young.

Of course, my lack of experience makes me an exceptionally unbiased and knowledgeable arbiter of your innermost dissatisfactions.  So, without further ado, I would like to offer ten pieces of advice straight from my heart.

1- You are both deranged.  Custody of the children should be awarded to someone else.  Anyone else… but not me.

2- Your arguments over money are easier to solve.  If you cannot agree on who gets it, let me borrow it on an indefinite basis so that it can create no additional ill will between you.

3- The house is less simple, especially since its value crashed a few years back.  Perhaps you’d find it financially beneficial to share the house as roommates.

4- I refuse to referee your sex life because there’s not supposed to be sex after marriage except to create children.  I expect both of you to practice celibacy after the divorce out of respect for your ex-spouse.

5- Murder is still illegal.  I’m pretty confident that a licensed professional will tell you the same thing.

6- Divorce is fun.  You’ll get to spend more time on each other than you have in years.

7- I don’t care whose fault it is.  Right now, you’re both at fault for disturbing my peace and quiet.  Please argue as though you were in a library.

8- Speaking of libraries, perhaps reading a book would calm you down.  Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” would calm you down for a long time.  Maybe that’s a good choice.  But, please, don’t try to share a single copy.  Sharing things hasn’t worked well between you in the past.  You can afford two copies.

9- The pets are easier to divide… right down the middle and then thrown on the grill.  I’m glad you have fish instead of dogs.

10- You say you want to give the marriage one last try?  Then, please, talk to a professional who can give decent advice.  But don’t spend too much time on it because it’s expensive and you always argue about money.

Reality Insults My Intelligence

Lady of the Lakes Renaissance Faire Entertainers

(Photo credit: skeggy)

Common Sense (n.):

1- Among unmarried men, the quality that keeps them from pursuing life-threatening antics other than marriage.

2- Among married men, the quality that allows them to read a woman’s mind.

3- Among married women, the quality that tells them to be satisfied with cooking, cleaning, raising children, working full time, taking care of elderly parents, ignoring a husband’s extramarital affair, bailing him out of jail repeatedly, and looking beautiful 24 hours a day, every day, ’til death do you part.  Or until he dumps her for that 22-year-old stripper…

Superficial Love Insults My Intelligence

My dearest George!

After almost ten years of marriage, I’m amazed that you’re still able to find the perfect birthday gift for me.  I just arrived at the hotel and I’m so looking forward to the Justinian Beavers concert tomorrow.

I love you!

Stef's Present with Handmade Wrapping

(Photo credit: ex.libris)

Honey, I’m so excited to see the Beavers.  They’re even selling backstage passes this afternoon.  I’m already in line to get one.  Oh, I hope I do.  Pray for me!

English: People waiting in line to be casted i...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

GEORGE!!!!!  They just put giant screens up for the people in line.  They’re showing concert videos!  It’s like Jay Beaver is singing to me and only to me.  He gets me so weak kneed.

Redstone Arsenal Army Concert Tour

(Photo credit: familymwr)

OMG, George!  I got a backstage pass.  It was more expensive than I expected, so I had to sell my wedding ring.  It’ll be so worth it.  I keep picturing Jay Beaver holding me in his arms as he serenades me.  Oh thank you so much for the concert tickets.  I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

First Dance

(Photo credit: cytoon)

Hey.  I’m in the audience waiting for the concert to start.   These guys have such big hearts.  They’re giving 5% of their ticket sales to charity.  I swear they’re perfect.  I love them so much.

English: Audience at a Dan Deacon concert

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Love is in the air, love without a care, lovey lovey love, love fits like a glove.  Don’t you love that song, George?  The concert was great.  Thank you so much.  I wish I’d had Jay Beaver next to me so I could enjoy the moment fully.

Austin TV.

(Photo credit: Briss Milián)

I’m waiting backstage for them to arrive.   I’ll be here late tonight, so I’ll text you again tomorrow.

The next day…

OMG!!!!!!!!!!  Jay Beaver invited me to follow the band for the rest of their tour!!!!!!  Sorry I’ll miss our 10 year anniversary but you know how important this is to me.

And George responds…

You have found your Prince Charming.  How can I ever compete with Jay Beaver and all the images he’s sent you over the years?  The two of you already have a long and fulfilling relationship, so I’m stepping aside to let your love bloom.