Cardinal Sins Insult My Intelligence

Looking for adventure?

Climb to the top of St. Peter’s Basilica and bring your binoculars. You never know what escapades you’ll discover when you peer into all these windows:

Visit the Vatican and experience sin first-hand.

Visit the Vatican and experience sin first-hand.

I wonder if the ever-so-vigilant Vaticanites complained when those unsightly apartment buildings started blocking people’s view of their churchly treasure… or if they decided to (euphemism alert!) look at the bright side of life.

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Showing Up Late Insults My Intelligence

Travel tip: If you show up early, the workers may see you and conveniently forget to put up those obnoxious chains that keep people from getting too close to the attraction.  Then, you might find yourself in the fray of some nice, beautiful military endeavors:

Luckily, I've never had to be closer to the business end of a cannon.

Luckily, I’ve never been closer to the business end of a cannon.

In case you were wondering, this is the changing of the guards in Stockholm.

Night Insults My Intelligence

You may remember that I’ve already written two posts (about London and Stockholm) on how low-light conditions can contribute to greater pleasure as a tourist.  Today, I’m shifting gears to explain how sunlight can provide new and profoundly accurate dimensions to what you see.  For instance, take this photograph:

Witness this colossal marvel as it stretches towards the sun.  It's the stuff of dreams.

Marvel as this beast stretches towards the sun. It’s the stuff of dreams.

What thoughts entered your mind when you saw that picture?  Don’t worry.  It’s okay that your mind didn’t move towards G-rated things like Thumper and Bambi and Bambi’s mom.  I took this shot in Amsterdam and the sunlight makes this structure look… uh…  well…

People go to Amsterdam to experience precisely this.  I think that explains it.

Day Insults My Intelligence

Don’t you hate the masses of tourists that clog all the sites and turn your nice peaceful vacation into a noisy game of human bumper cars?

Me too.

That’s why I would go out at night.  When I did, I could find things like this:

London's Big Ben shines at night.

London’s Big Ben shines at night.

No tourists and no traffic.  Just me and the view and the muggers and the rapists and the murders who I luckily managed to avoid.  That’s quite a contrast.

Feeding the Bears Insults My Intelligence

If you visit Bern, Switzerland, you’re likely to find a pit at the end of town that contains a few friendly-looking bears:

Switzerland is a zoo.

If I were one of these bears, I’d miss the little things like grass and trees.

However, Switzerland is a zoo… especially during tourist season.  And do you know what happens in a zoo?

Inappropriate feeding:

Here's a closer look at the same image.

Here’s a closer look at the same image.  Notice the parent and child in the upper right.

As the sign often says, “Do not feed the bears.”  But if you must feed them, please remember that your kid is not appropriate for a bear’s dinner.  The bear may enjoy him, but you’re inviting a lot of trouble on yourself.

The quiet ain’t worth it.

Comfortable Seating Insults My Intelligence

Ah yes, an old Austrian castle with all the amenities:

Old is beautiful.

Old is beautiful.

I can forgive the poles and chains because they bring back the whole torture aspect of the good ol’ monarchy.  And I can forgive the lovely refurbished medieval shiny pleather or wheatevertheheck material it is on those adorable chairs.

However, the glare from my camera flash on the unknown synthetic material detracts from the room as a whole.  Nevertheless, I’m sure those chairs are more comfortable than period-appropriate pieces would have been

Forgetting the Linguine Insults My Intelligence

Paradise is beautiful.  For instance, there’s this place near Sorrento, Italy:

The only ingredient that's missing is pasta.  Salami would also be acceptable.

The only ingredient that’s missing is pasta. Salami would also be acceptable.

But there’s a story behind all that beauty.  People have to work hard to maintain those pristine beaches and unpolluted waters.  And those workers eat pasta and sausage and salami and all that good stuff that no one cooks up quite like the Italians.

And it’s rare to see photos that take that background action into account.  This one does.  Those waves you hear aren’t the ocean.  They’re the continual flushing of all those portapotties.  Where do you think all that wonderful food ends up?