Bill Cosby Insults My Intelligence

I don't think I can do a humorous photo caption that won't offend the non-rapists reading this blog.  (Photo is in the public domain.)

I don’t think I can do a humorous photo caption that won’t offend the non-rapists reading this blog. (Photo is in the public domain.)

By now, my U.S. readers will have heard the “news” about the numerous rape allegations against Bill Cosby.  Although celebrity news usually insults my intelligence, this story is different.  After all, our country and its media held the controversy down for decades.  The delayed timing just goes to show that the American people will forgive the most horrific of sins as long as the sinner is pushing a pudding pop down their throats.  Bill Cosby is being taken down so late in life only because he can no longer stand proudly behind a towering pudding pop on TV.

So let’s shove rape allegations to the side when they mess with our fun.  Priorities matter.

It’s such a shame because this guy was admired as “America’s Dad” because of his iconic Cosby Show.  Obviously, we must now stop calling him “America’s Dad” unless he fathered enough children to have earned that designation through other means. With that in mind, I think we should now refer to him by the job he chose for his character on that famous TV show.

That’s right.  Bill Cosby is America’s Obstetrician.

Of all the medical fields he could have chosen, he picked a vagina-gazing specialty and America didn’t blink.  Never underestimate people’s willful ignorance.

Now, unfortunately, all women will suffer for his misdeeds.  So, ladies, the next time you’re spending quality time with your OB-GYN, try not to think of Bill Cosby.

Blogger’s note: I promise that the next post will be happier.  It would kind of have to be.

The Neverending Barrage Insults My Intelligence

I fear headaches.  (Photo Credit: Ashley Rose)

I fear headaches. (Photo Credit: Ashley Rose)

You just need to watch more TV because normal people love TV and you’ll love it eventually if I just keep talking about it and talking about it and talking about it even though I know you don’t care and then you should go out to a bar or two or three or fifteen because the only legitimate way to meet women is at a bar (because only the good women like to drink and drink and drink and drink) or at a steroid enhanced sports event or at all of those places you claim not to enjoy but you will enjoy them because I’ll make sure you do because I know what’s best for you because I have the wisdom because I live in front of the television and I go to church every Sunday, which in turn is something you ought to do because it’s good for the soul and because everybody does it and because the Bible says so and because it’s fun and I don’t want you to experience eternal damnation with the prostitutes and the murderers and the thieves and the intellectuals and the Kardashians and glory be to Jesus and glory be to Jesus again because you really can’t give Him too much glory, especially after you’ve joined me at the latest action movie with lots of sex and severed limbs and more dead bodies than a mortician sees in a lifetime plus blood spurting and spraying and flowing from the bodies across the floor, amassing into a puddle until the red liquidy goodness overflows the room and surges as a river like the Blood of Christ, which is what you ought to be thinking of in that movie theater because He is everywhere and you must do everything according to Christian beliefs and popular culture because that’s the only way you can be likeable and there’s absolutely positively no contradiction whatsoever between religion and everything I want you to do for the rest of the week and if you listen to me you can be saved both in this life and in the next and my selling of television and movies DOES NOT sound like the way I sell church and I can’t understand why you you would accuse me of trying to “sell” either one because they’re both wonderful and I don’t have to sell them and it’s completely unfounded to say that I don’t know when to take no for an answer because I do listen and I do stop talking and I do take your preferences into consideration and I am not being judgmental and I want you to be yourself and I want you to decide for yourself and I don’t want to force you into anything you’ll hate and I want you to come here and watch season six of Survivor with me but first let me give you the complete rundown on the first five seasons and then we can go to church and you will have so much fun…

“You” Insults My Intelligence

It’s Sunday and you’re sitting on the couch watching TV instead of doing something useful with your time.  Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely fair.  With the economy being so rotten, let’s assume that you’re performing your patriotic duty by watching commercials.  Maybe you’ll even buy something.

Today, I’d like to help ensure that your much needed purchase doesn’t turn out to be crap.  The method is simple: look for the word “you” in the commercial and, when you find it, avoid the product.  Claiming that a product is “perfect for the perfect you” or “fits the way you live” relieves businesses from having to make specific claims about their product’s quality.  Perfect for you, how?

Because it has “the quality you’ve known for years.”  True, but if the product is garbage, that’s not a selling point.  Telling me that I know the product is garbage shouldn’t make me want to buy it…

Unless I’ve had a lobotomy.  Sad thing is, these commercials work.  You can tell this by their continued proliferation on TV.  And they work because we’re all little children.

File:Mirror baby.jpg

(Photo credit: roseoftimothywoods)

Get a clue!  You’re perfect and you’ll be even more perfect with our product.  (Obligatory grammar note: I realize that “more perfect” is gibberish, but since when is gibberish prohibited from commercials?)  We can sell a new you to you because you love you, don’t you?  And if you buy our crap, it behooves you to believe us when we tell you that you are really buying you.  And it’s all true, too, because you belong in the loo.  And we can rhyme “you” and “true” and “too” and make a nifty little jingle out of your pathetic little self.  And then you will think you never knew differently, at least until the bill comes due.  Then you’ll be blue.

ooooooh…

Just be sure your pathetic little self forks over the $24.99 for shipping and handling.  You handle the payment, the mailman handles the delivery, and we handle the long pointy object going towards your [adult content, censored by blogger.  However, in the spirit of the post, it should be noted that the body part sometimes resembles a giant U.  How convenient.]

“Say Yes to the Dress” Insults My Intelligence

You only thought the worst thing you could tell a woman is “that outfit makes your butt look big.”

Welcome to the world of “Say Yes to the Dress.” This show presents little more than brides shopping for wedding dresses.  Exciting, right?

On this show, any negative commentary about a dress will make the bride’s mother/sister/friend a villain if the bride loves it.  If someone points out that a bride’s beloved dress (which she hasn’t purchased yet) gives her a serious case of camel toe, that person is evil.  Even though the bride brings people along to obtain their opinions, their only acceptable commentary is to say yes to the dress.  It’s like a page from The Emperor’s New Clothes.

A bride in a very traditional long white weddi...

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The show title says it all.  Actually, it sounds more like a tired advertising slogan: “Say yes to the dress!  Women’s clothing up to 66% off, this weekend only at Macy’s.”

In spite of this, I wouldn’t call the show an infomercial because no product is being advertised.  Instead, this show conditions potential shoppers to behave in a way that will benefit the dress shops.  That means no criticizing the dresses and no fear of exorbitant price tags.  Oh, and it’s also not unusual for a bride to purchase two dresses: one for the wedding and one for the reception.

It doesn’t even matter if the bride’s butt looks big on her wedding day because she’ll feel like a princess.

Until the wedding photos come back.

House Hunters Insults My Intelligence

House in Galveston, Texas

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In case you’ve never had the misfortune of sitting through an episode of House Hunters, let me start by explaining the premise of the show.  Each episode follows a person or couple as they tour three houses and choose which one they want to buy.  That’s it.

That the show is staged is not a big deal.  I sincerely hope my readers don’t think reality shows are straightforward reality.

Instead, let’s look at this TV show as a realtor’s dream.  I have never purchased real estate, but I can tell you that most people look at more than three houses when they’re on the market.  If I were a realtor, I would love for people to think it’s normal to only be choosing between three houses.  It would save me a lot of work, especially if one or two of those “options” can be outside of the purchaser’s predetermined budget.   The show presents decisions like “will they buy the house that’s too small, the house they’ll want to renovate heavily, or the house that costs too much?”  This makes your budget look like one negotiable detail among many, and that surely makes realtors happy.  After all, they earn a higher commission when someone buys a more expensive house.

I’m sure that’s all just a coincidence because overly expensive houses are such a great opportunity for the purchaser.  If we’ve learned anything from the economic downturn, it’s that nothing bad ever happens to people who buy more house than they can afford.

In fact, buying a new house leads to the most amazing results on this show.  Just look at how happy everyone is when the show checks back in after a few months.  Mr. Guest got a big promotion at work and Mrs. Guest is expecting triplets while having planned a massive charity gala in the enormous basement of their new home.  The house made their lives perfect!  It’s a huge change in tone compared to the challenges the Guests always seem to face at the start of the show.

In case you were wondering, no one is ever looking for houses in less-than-ideal neighborhoods because that’s all they can afford.  The biggest crime you’ll ever hear of on this show is that a house lacks granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.  You’ll hear about that one ad infinitum.

You may be asking where the suspense in all of this is because it all sounds incredibly formulaic.  What you’re missing is that, over the span of thirty minutes, you’re supposed to grow attached to the Guests and be on the edge of your seat anticipating which house they’ll choose to buy.

What kind of heartless person wouldn’t be excited by that?

Probably the kind of heartless person who recognizes House Hunters for what it is: an infomercial.