Christmas Trees Insult My Intelligence

Christmas should be every day, sort of.  (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

Christmas should be every day, sort of. (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

I came home last night to find a festive bundle of decaying holiday joy shining through the window of my neighbor’s house.

Too many punchlines come to mind.

Because of this, I would like to wish everyone a Merry March Madness and present a list of the top ten reasons you finally need to get rid of that Christmas tree:

10- Unlike the lovely holiday sweaters you received, you can’t regift the tree without investing a lot of time and money into the effort.

9- If you wanted to arrange dried pieces of firewood so that they could achieve inferno status in minimum time, you couldn’t do much better than to build a Christmas tree shape.  And by the way, the warranty on those lights you bought in December has expired.

8- In December, you said “we shouldn’t let secular distractions infringe on a religious holiday.”  Now that Easter is coming, I’d like to return the favor.  We’re all going to notice your tree and not your religious exhortations.  (On the other hand, maybe the tree can last a few weeks longer…)

7- The electricity company’s Christmas special is no longer running.

6- Unlike the frankenturkey, your tree cannot be revived.

5- What fun is a Christmas tree if it no longer has needles for you to clean off of the floor?

4- That’s not penicillin growing at the base and your dog will get sick if he decides it’s tasty.

3- You could shove the top of that tree up an angel’s underside because the angel isn’t real.  Your pet rabbit is getting worried that you’ll try to change the tree’s theme for Easter.  Expect a revolt.

2- That is a tree, not a bush.  If you wish to display political advertisements for Jeb, this is one of the few methods that makes you look less intelligent than the Tea Partiers.  At least the Tea Partiers recycled their trees.

1- No one is bringing you any gifts.  Get over it.

Misogyny Insults My Intelligence

black heart

Pink is for losers. (Image credit: scutajar)

Dear Dr. Bumblepuppy,

We wish to express our utmost gratitude for gracing our restaurant with your presence on Valentine’s Day.  However, we regret to inform you that your little princess is no longer welcome at our establishment.  That wench exuded womanly noise from the moment you exited your car, and not in a fun way.  Yelling, screaming, wailing, tears flooding her make-up and creating a mess for our janitors.  We have never heard anyone insult our staff, our food, and our existence so much as she did; she will be lucky if our other patrons do not sue her for ruining their romantic evening with her “vocal talents,” as you so euphemistically described her screeching.

In closing, we wish you a swift recuperation from the injuries you incurred on our premises.  The hot coffee in your face and the knee in your crotch were most assuredly not deserved.  The average dog has more respect for men and the culinary arts than that thing you call a woman.  We hope you will consider saving yourself further physical, psychological, and financial torture by dumping the broad.

With warmest regards,

Matthew G. Thomas
Manager, White Castle
1106 Old Myers Bridge Avenue

The Twelfth Day of Christmas Insults My Intelligence

Here it is, the final day of our Christmas fun.  May you all have an enjoyable holiday that is free from injury, death, and bad music.  May you emerge from this season with piles of expensive presents that you can sell to fund something for me.

Now… let’s get on with the show.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that has insulted me:

Twelve angry zombies


Eleven acts of Congress

(Photo credit: Architect of the Capitol)

Unfortunately for the zombies, they found no brains to eat at the Capitol.   (Photo credit: Architect of the Capitol)

Ten breast enhancements

(Photo credit: Shira Gal)

The zombies were smart because they realized that breast cancer survivors are the only boobjob recipients with brains.  It’s just another of the disease’s lethal side effects.  (Photo credit: Shira Gal)

Nine smelly reindeer

(Photo credit: Keven Law)

Reindeer brains are too small, so the zombies went in search of larger prey.  (Photo credit: Keven Law)

Eight vegan cookies

(Photo credit: veganchicksrock)

The zombies were even less amused with the cookies than the not-so-undead were.  (Photo credit: veganchicksrock)

Seven cancelled flights

(Photo credit for original: Allen Skyy)

Picture it: thousands of brain-toting people trapped in a snow-covered airport.   (Photo credit for original: Allen Skyy)

Six sixes sixing

Because Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas are too culturally exclusive, the local Satanist Temple has registered a new holiday: Satan’s Solstice.  Although the solstice part has some historical legitimacy, it’s just not politically correct to exclude a contemporary religious belief system from the naming convention.

Being undead, Zombies aren’t really tempted by contemporary Satanism.

Five drunk fratboys

Pickled brains also taste good. (Arthur Browne created this image. Art likes monkeys, probably because he claims to be a monkey. You can see more monkeys on his blog, Pouring My Art Out.)

Four weeks of church


The local Zombie Commission has been invited to partake of the Body and Blood of Christ so that you may see that His flesh is truly present before you.   Brain wafer, anyone?  (Thanks to James O’Neil at Memories of a Time for providing the image.  He also did the glasswork.)


Three Santas

(Photo credit: Josh Roulston)

If we’re lucky, one of them will survive long enough to deliver presents.  (Photo credit: Josh Roulston)

Two tacky gifts

(Photo credit for original: Richard Huber)

Hey Mr. Zombie!  Is that a pickle in your pocket or are you just happy to see my brain?  (Photo credit for original: Richard Huber)

And the kid who wants a large breed

(Photo credit: Steve Harris)

So THAT’S why she wanted the tiger.  Smart kid.   (Photo credit: Steve Harris)

Blogger’s note: This was the 12th installment of a 12 part series.  All photos had new captions in each post, so you missed a lot if you only saw this post.  For all earlier posts in this series, click on the “twelve days of Christmas” link below.