I came home last night to find a festive bundle of decaying holiday joy shining through the window of my neighbor’s house.
Too many punchlines come to mind.
Because of this, I would like to wish everyone a Merry March Madness and present a list of the top ten reasons you finally need to get rid of that Christmas tree:
10- Unlike the lovely holiday sweaters you received, you can’t regift the tree without investing a lot of time and money into the effort.
9- If you wanted to arrange dried pieces of firewood so that they could achieve inferno status in minimum time, you couldn’t do much better than to build a Christmas tree shape. And by the way, the warranty on those lights you bought in December has expired.
8- In December, you said “we shouldn’t let secular distractions infringe on a religious holiday.” Now that Easter is coming, I’d like to return the favor. We’re all going to notice your tree and not your religious exhortations. (On the other hand, maybe the tree can last a few weeks longer…)
7- The electricity company’s Christmas special is no longer running.
6- Unlike the frankenturkey, your tree cannot be revived.
5- What fun is a Christmas tree if it no longer has needles for you to clean off of the floor?
4- That’s not penicillin growing at the base and your dog will get sick if he decides it’s tasty.
3- You could shove the top of that tree up an angel’s underside because the angel isn’t real. Your pet rabbit is getting worried that you’ll try to change the tree’s theme for Easter. Expect a revolt.
2- That is a tree, not a bush. If you wish to display political advertisements for Jeb, this is one of the few methods that makes you look less intelligent than the Tea Partiers. At least the Tea Partiers recycled their trees.
1- No one is bringing you any gifts. Get over it.