Misogyny Insults My Intelligence

black heart

Pink is for losers. (Image credit: scutajar)

Dear Dr. Bumblepuppy,

We wish to express our utmost gratitude for gracing our restaurant with your presence on Valentine’s Day.  However, we regret to inform you that your little princess is no longer welcome at our establishment.  That wench exuded womanly noise from the moment you exited your car, and not in a fun way.  Yelling, screaming, wailing, tears flooding her make-up and creating a mess for our janitors.  We have never heard anyone insult our staff, our food, and our existence so much as she did; she will be lucky if our other patrons do not sue her for ruining their romantic evening with her “vocal talents,” as you so euphemistically described her screeching.

In closing, we wish you a swift recuperation from the injuries you incurred on our premises.  The hot coffee in your face and the knee in your crotch were most assuredly not deserved.  The average dog has more respect for men and the culinary arts than that thing you call a woman.  We hope you will consider saving yourself further physical, psychological, and financial torture by dumping the broad.

With warmest regards,

Matthew G. Thomas
Manager, White Castle
1106 Old Myers Bridge Avenue

Children’s Vegetables Insult My Intelligence

Sorry.  You came to the wrong place if you were expecting a post about Spongebob brand baby carrots.  Like Spongebob, those carrots are supposed to be presumably harmless to the at-least-semi-average human of youthful age.

Instead, I’d like to chat about other foods that children don’t usually like.  For example, chilies.  Here in the non-southwestern US, folks have a tendency to use fewer ingredients that impart a noticeably strong flavor and/or punishment to their tongues.  Needless to say, chilies are a tougher sell in this climate than in others, especially to kids who don’t want to eat anything that doesn’t contain chocolate or breast milk.

And so some brilliant nomenclaturist discovered the world’s hottest chili.  It is around 250 times hotter than a jalapeno, which puts it a lot closer to pepper spray than to anything you normally put in your mouth on purpose.

Seriously, I’m not joking.

Red means stop.  (Photo credit: Thaumaturgist)

Red means stop. (Photo credit: Thaumaturgist)

Food heat is measured in scoville units.  Jalapenos range from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units.  Pepper spray is two million Scoville units.  This chili weighs in at one million.

And they decided to call it a “ghost chili.”  Does that sound like something your child would pick up in the store and bite into because it sounds cool?

I thought so.  On the other hand, maybe that will teach them a very important lesson.  For example, they can learn to avoid vegetables.

With apologies for the bad pun, the resulting tongue damage is why the younger generation has such bad taste.  It’s not Bieber’s fault for once.

Dead Food Insults My Intelligence

Old and dusty foodstuffs are mummifying in my pantry.

Come on, admit it.

Admit it.  Your pantry needs cleaning too.  (Photo credit: slworking2)

We all go through phases where we eat a lot of one thing and then change to something else for one reason or another. After that, cans and bottles and jars and boxes just sit and sit and sit and sit until we have to make a decision on whether to throw them away.

The environmentalist in us wants to say that the 10-year-old can of tomatoes is still good because the tomatoes aren’t moldy and they don’t smell bad.  We shouldn’t waste so much food.

The hypochondriac in us wonders why we allowed ourselves to inhale the vapors of those 10-year-old-tomatoes.

The biologist in us wants to put those tomatoes under a microscope because there’s probably some pretty nifty stuff growing on there.

The chemist in us realizes that the can had probably released enough carcinogens into those tomatoes to make them poisonous to whatever interesting microorganisms we may have found.

Our ER doctor realizes that those chemicals can also be toxic to us not-so-micro organisms.

Our local mortician is grateful for the proliferation of mummified foodstuffs. You’d think that the availability of cost-free mummification would hurt a mortician’s business, but…

New Year’s Resolutions Insult My Intelligence

trake za trcanje i trkaci

Buy your gym membership today and don’t forget to stock up on protein shakes and other expensive supplements. (Photo credit: trcanje)

New Year’s Day (n): Conveniently situated right after a monthlong sequence of gluttonous holidays, it’s the world’s most lucrative advertising opportunity for gyms, Weight Watchers, diet pills, and exercise equipment.  It happens far enough in advance of Valentine’s Day candy for people to forget how quickly their new year’s resolution dies every year.

Blogger’s note: walking or jogging in the park costs nothing even though fresh air may be hazardous to your health.  The trees won’t judge you if you move slowly…

Financial Preoccupations Insult My Intelligence

To close out this most materialistic season of the year, I would like to extend a helpful hint to all of you who are planning New Year’s parties:

Mother of Pearl spoons with sturgeon caviar an...

Mother of Pearl spoons with sturgeon caviar and salmon roe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You are wholly justified in worrying about what people will think about you if you do not put out expensive food.  After all, the party is designed to display your nonexistent wealth because that’s all your friends care about.  And they will never forget the deep fried caviar you serve up with tartar sauce to mask the slight char on the outside…

Thanksgiving Mishaps Insult My Intelligence

It’s time for some Thanksgiving fun (torture?) courtesy of Edna St. Vincent Millay, me, and the liquor cabinet.

Portrait of Edna St. Vincent Millay (1933-01-14)

Portrait of Edna St. Vincent Millay (1933-01-14) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1.

My turkey burns at both ends
We will not eat tonight.
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
Chinese sounds good, alright?

2.

My turkey’s frozen at both ends
It will not thaw tonight.
And ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
It will be hard to bite.

3.

Cranberry sauce is on my hands
It will not wash off right.
And now my bros are not my friends
They used red dye last night…

4.

My bowels are queasy at both ends
They will give off a fright.
So ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
The toilet’s mine tonight.

5.

This bread is moldy at both ends
A sandwich won’t look right.
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
The stuffing will be bright.

6.

The football moves towards both ends
The score is close tonight.
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
Unplug the game, I might.