Misogyny Insults My Intelligence

black heart

Pink is for losers. (Image credit: scutajar)

Dear Dr. Bumblepuppy,

We wish to express our utmost gratitude for gracing our restaurant with your presence on Valentine’s Day.  However, we regret to inform you that your little princess is no longer welcome at our establishment.  That wench exuded womanly noise from the moment you exited your car, and not in a fun way.  Yelling, screaming, wailing, tears flooding her make-up and creating a mess for our janitors.  We have never heard anyone insult our staff, our food, and our existence so much as she did; she will be lucky if our other patrons do not sue her for ruining their romantic evening with her “vocal talents,” as you so euphemistically described her screeching.

In closing, we wish you a swift recuperation from the injuries you incurred on our premises.  The hot coffee in your face and the knee in your crotch were most assuredly not deserved.  The average dog has more respect for men and the culinary arts than that thing you call a woman.  We hope you will consider saving yourself further physical, psychological, and financial torture by dumping the broad.

With warmest regards,

Matthew G. Thomas
Manager, White Castle
1106 Old Myers Bridge Avenue

Frozen Romances Insult My Intelligence

venice

Unfortunately, everyone thinks the sights are beautiful.

Welcome to Venice, home of semi-romantic gondola rides and hordes of tourists.  Unfortunately, those rides aren’t as lovely as you might imagine because those bridges and shores function as streets.  And there’s people on them there streets and they’re all looking at you, or so it seems.

Kissy kissy!

And so you look back at them.  Nothing gets seafaring lovers in the mood quite like watching a bunch of people eating, walking, and carrying their loot around.  Especially when it’s cold.

And it’s even colder on the water… cold enough to make anyone frigid.  Pun intended.

Valentine’s Day Can’t Insult My Intelligence if There’s Snow

Mother Nature has bewitched us this year.  Her winter storms have been transforming birds into feathery icicles and freeing the sky from bees.  However, her frosty prestidigitations will be enabling the birds and bees on Valentine’s Day.

This image has been modified from the original at http://www.laceyoem.org/winter-storm-warning-has-been-posted-for-our-area/

This image has been modified from the original at http://www.laceyoem.org/winter-storm-warning-has-been-posted-for-our-area/

Most years, Valentine’s Day insults my intelligence.  Women usually want a romantic gift or a vacuum cleaner and I’m no good at picking out either of those.  Fortunately, Mother Nature has eliminated such difficulty from my life this year.

I live in the South.  One inch of snow closes everything down for days, leaving death and distress on highways and anywhere else people dare to travel.  That includes the little side road I live on, which means I can’t drive to fetch roses, candy, or the usual holiday scams.  And delivery people won’t be able to get them to me, unless stuff is sent through the post office.

If the post office can’t handle delivering a book without smashing it up like a piece of glass, those flowers stand no chance unless they’re headed for my salad instead of the vase.

And the horrors keep piling up.  Guys like me love spending time in stores like Victoria’s Secret because we look less creepy when we’re surrounded by women’s undergarments.  If the roads are covered in ice, I guess we’ll just have to buy something leathery or lacy online.

I hope the post office has not yet figured out a way to destroy lingerie, but I’m not holding my breath.

Buying lingerie for a woman has never been less risky because one can’t actually see how big something is until it arrives.  If it’s too big, we can’t possibly think she’s that fat because we bought the same size as what’s in her underwear drawer.  If it’s too small, we can use the same excuse to squirm out of whatever accusations come flying our way.  And because of the snow and ice, we now have an airtight excuse when it inevitably arrives late.

Of course, that means the unfortunate lady will be forced to go without underwear on Valentine’s Day and, on top of that, the storm may have knocked out electricity by then.

No electricity?  No problem!  One romantic BBQ dinner on the gas grill coming right up, minus the obligatory chick flick viewing.

Mother Nature really is just one of the guys…

Power Point Insults My Intelligence

Slide1

Slide2

Slide3

Slide5

Slide4

Slide6

Slide7

Slide8

Slide9

Text version:

Power Point is beautiful.

This Valentine’s Day, don’t just tell her how much you care.

Show her how much you love her with a Power Point Presentation

Power Point makes your bumbling so much easier to understand

Flowers and candy aren’t enough

And the effects of an elaborate Power Point Presentation are always predictable

Before you know it, she’ll be asking you to guide her to bed

Which brings you to your ultimate goal

Unless she has a headache

Superficial Love Insults My Intelligence

My dearest George!

After almost ten years of marriage, I’m amazed that you’re still able to find the perfect birthday gift for me.  I just arrived at the hotel and I’m so looking forward to the Justinian Beavers concert tomorrow.

I love you!

Stef's Present with Handmade Wrapping

(Photo credit: ex.libris)

Honey, I’m so excited to see the Beavers.  They’re even selling backstage passes this afternoon.  I’m already in line to get one.  Oh, I hope I do.  Pray for me!

English: People waiting in line to be casted i...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

GEORGE!!!!!  They just put giant screens up for the people in line.  They’re showing concert videos!  It’s like Jay Beaver is singing to me and only to me.  He gets me so weak kneed.

Redstone Arsenal Army Concert Tour

(Photo credit: familymwr)

OMG, George!  I got a backstage pass.  It was more expensive than I expected, so I had to sell my wedding ring.  It’ll be so worth it.  I keep picturing Jay Beaver holding me in his arms as he serenades me.  Oh thank you so much for the concert tickets.  I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

First Dance

(Photo credit: cytoon)

Hey.  I’m in the audience waiting for the concert to start.   These guys have such big hearts.  They’re giving 5% of their ticket sales to charity.  I swear they’re perfect.  I love them so much.

English: Audience at a Dan Deacon concert

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Love is in the air, love without a care, lovey lovey love, love fits like a glove.  Don’t you love that song, George?  The concert was great.  Thank you so much.  I wish I’d had Jay Beaver next to me so I could enjoy the moment fully.

Austin TV.

(Photo credit: Briss Milián)

I’m waiting backstage for them to arrive.   I’ll be here late tonight, so I’ll text you again tomorrow.

The next day…

OMG!!!!!!!!!!  Jay Beaver invited me to follow the band for the rest of their tour!!!!!!  Sorry I’ll miss our 10 year anniversary but you know how important this is to me.

And George responds…

You have found your Prince Charming.  How can I ever compete with Jay Beaver and all the images he’s sent you over the years?  The two of you already have a long and fulfilling relationship, so I’m stepping aside to let your love bloom.