Today, I would like to make a public service announcement to all the children who started following my blog after the recent Vagina Monologues post. I feel that we must teach them the value of orderly speech and behavior. And so, without further ado, I present to you a special guide for the little ones.
Good morning boys and girls! I hope you had sweet dreams, dreams of lollipops and cookies and cute little kitty cats. Your mommy and daddy want you to be happy. Your mommy and daddy are always right.
Your mommy and daddy also say things you don’t understand. You should be like mommy and daddy. You should talk like mommy and daddy. You should learn what their words mean.
“Beer” is not for you. It’s how mommy and daddy make babies. You can try beer when you’re 28. By then, you will be finishing “college.” College is where people learn how to use beer. These lessons take a very long time.
A “condom” is a small water balloon. That’s why mommy and daddy are always playing with them. Ask daddy why the condoms are so small.
“Emphysema” is why the ham tastes so good. It takes a lot of smoke to make an emphysema. If mommy keeps smoking, worms will think you taste good too.
Everybody “has sex.” You are a girl or a boy. Your daddy is a big boy. Your mommy is a big girl. That is their sex. Tell mommy and daddy every day that they have sex.
“Guns” will make you happy unless the other kids get more of them. Ask mommy and daddy to buy you guns. One day, you’ll be allowed to “vote.” If you have a lot of guns, your “vote” can protect them. If you vote for guns, you can have a Tea Party.
“Gay marriage” means nothing. Gay means “happy” and all marriages are happy. Mommy and daddy are always happy. Tell mommy and daddy that they have a gay marriage. If they ask questions, tell mommy that she’s as good as a man. All women are as good as men.
“The F word” is “fart.” Tell your teacher that mommy and daddy do the F word on the sofa. And they do it in the kitchen. And in the bathroom. And in the front yard. If your teacher looks unhappy, just say “pork and beans.”
“Repossessed” means that ghosts now live in your house. The ghosts want to kill you. That smaller apartment will save your life. Mommy and Daddy are crying because they’re so happy. Tell mommy and daddy that the IRS is glad they’re happy.
“The IRS” are my heroes. They’re like the Ghostbusters, but they carry better guns. Guns make people happy. Call the IRS today and ask them to visit mommy and daddy.
“Schizophrenia” means that you can ask mommy and daddy the same question until you get the answer you want. They won’t remember they said “no” three times before that. Schizophrenia makes mommy and daddy better parents. Look for the word “schizophrenia” on all those tiny little bottles in mommy and daddy’s bathroom.