Girl Scouts Insult My Intelligence

I’ve been struggling for the past several weeks.  You see, I came up with a better idea for my last post right after publishing it.  The problem is, my “better idea” will be even harder for people to stomach than “Dead Puppies Insult My Intelligence.”  In the interest of artistic freedom and general bad taste, I have decided to publish that other idea now.  If you are capable of being offended, please do not read any further.

Since these girls are no longer girls, I guess the image is safe to use here.  (For copyright information, go here.)

Since these girls are no longer girls, I guess the image is safe to use here. (For copyright information, go here.)

The following is a public service announcement from the writer of this blog.

If you or your loved ones happen to discover the flattened carcass of a girl scout lying on the road, please do not touch, eat, or otherwise disturb it.  God put roadkill on this earth so that the flies and vultures might prosper, for He loves the smallest and ugliest creatures on this earth as much as He adores the cute little girl scout.  The car that squished the girl scout is an instrument of His will.

God Bless Chrysler.

In keeping with the girl scout’s theological purpose, please wait for the county’s professional sanitation workers to properly dispose of her.  It is government’s proper role to serve as God’s right hand and clean up the mess He occasionally makes, no matter the odor you must endure while waiting, no matter how many children start weeping upon seeing the dead girl scout, no matter whether the girl scout would have consented to being part of this spiritually bureaucratic undertaking.

And while you wait, please be so kind as to remove the girl scout’s poo from the sidewalk.  It is unpleasant to look at.

Moral of the story: Most shocking blog posts can be made even more cringe-inducing by replacing the main character with a girl scout.

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Dead Puppies Insult My Intelligence

The following is a public service announcement from the writer of this blog.

If you or your loved ones happen to discover the flattened carcass of a puppy lying on the road, please do not touch, eat, or otherwise disturb it.  God put roadkill on this earth so that the flies and vultures might prosper, for He loves the smallest and ugliest creatures on this earth as much as He adores the cute little puppy.  The car that squished the puppy is an instrument of His will.

God Bless Chrysler.

In keeping with the puppy’s theological purpose, please wait for the county’s professional sanitation workers to properly dispose of her.  It is government’s proper role to serve as God’s right hand and clean up the mess He occasionally makes, no matter the odor you must endure while waiting, no matter how many children start weeping upon seeing the dead puppy, no matter whether the puppy would have consented to being part of this spiritually bureaucratic undertaking.

And while you wait, please be so kind as to remove the puppy’s poo from the sidewalk.  It is unpleasant to look at.

No dead puppies to see here.  Please move along.  (Image credit: Adam Gerard)

No dead puppies to see here. Please move along. (Image credit: Adam Gerard)

The Ten Commandments Insult My Intelligence in Bed

We all know the childish little game that goes along with every fortune cookie.

Sometimes the game works correctly.  (Photo credit: The DeliciousLife)

Sometimes the game works correctly. (Photo credit: TheDeliciousLife)

For those of you who need a reminder, some people like to add “in bed” to the end of their fortunes.

And so…

Since many of my readers would like to feel a little younger, I have decided to behave like a child today.  Like a child who’s going to Hell.

I think I’ll play the bed game a little differently and see what we get.

1- I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not have strange gods before me in bed.

This God person is obviously energetic if he can service so many people without having them worn down first by other partners.  Either that or the population will start dwindling rather quickly.

2- Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain in bed.

Kind of like Santa Claus, he sees you when you’re sleeping AND when you’re sleeping with somebody.  Doesn’t he have better ways to spend his time?

3- Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day in bed.

Finally!  An excuse to not mow the lawn…

4- Honor thy Father and Mother in bed.

Um, gross.

5- Thou shalt not kill in bed.

Catholic Church: please take note.  The Bible says we should use condoms.

6- Thou shalt not commit adultery in bed.

Instead, thou shalt commit adultery on the kitchen table, in the bathtub, or under the car.

7- Thou shalt not steal in bed.

A commandment to benefit the wealthy hotel owners.  This prevents the theft of their precious pillows and teaches us that we must honor the primacy of corporate needs.

8- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor in bed.

Everyone loves to gossip while they’re sleeping or performing adult activities, right?  And people love it even more when their partner starts spouting off about someone else.

9- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife in bed.

Since you can’t commit adultery in bed, it kind of makes sense that you should covet her in a place where you can actually do something about your feelings.

This also looks like a good place to interpret the Bible literally for political purposes.  This commandment forbids sexual interest in certain women and the First Commandment prohibits sexual activity with certain men.  (The commandment says nothing about strange goddesses.)  It seems unlikely that one commandment would be addressed to women and another to men, so I can only assume that these two commandments constitute a Biblical justification for bisexuality.

10- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods in bed.

What kind of “goods” is meant here?  This might be a call for guys with smaller “goods” to feel more confident.  I’m impressed that this commandment was stated so diplomatically.

The Neverending Barrage Insults My Intelligence

I fear headaches.  (Photo Credit: Ashley Rose)

I fear headaches. (Photo Credit: Ashley Rose)

You just need to watch more TV because normal people love TV and you’ll love it eventually if I just keep talking about it and talking about it and talking about it even though I know you don’t care and then you should go out to a bar or two or three or fifteen because the only legitimate way to meet women is at a bar (because only the good women like to drink and drink and drink and drink) or at a steroid enhanced sports event or at all of those places you claim not to enjoy but you will enjoy them because I’ll make sure you do because I know what’s best for you because I have the wisdom because I live in front of the television and I go to church every Sunday, which in turn is something you ought to do because it’s good for the soul and because everybody does it and because the Bible says so and because it’s fun and I don’t want you to experience eternal damnation with the prostitutes and the murderers and the thieves and the intellectuals and the Kardashians and glory be to Jesus and glory be to Jesus again because you really can’t give Him too much glory, especially after you’ve joined me at the latest action movie with lots of sex and severed limbs and more dead bodies than a mortician sees in a lifetime plus blood spurting and spraying and flowing from the bodies across the floor, amassing into a puddle until the red liquidy goodness overflows the room and surges as a river like the Blood of Christ, which is what you ought to be thinking of in that movie theater because He is everywhere and you must do everything according to Christian beliefs and popular culture because that’s the only way you can be likeable and there’s absolutely positively no contradiction whatsoever between religion and everything I want you to do for the rest of the week and if you listen to me you can be saved both in this life and in the next and my selling of television and movies DOES NOT sound like the way I sell church and I can’t understand why you you would accuse me of trying to “sell” either one because they’re both wonderful and I don’t have to sell them and it’s completely unfounded to say that I don’t know when to take no for an answer because I do listen and I do stop talking and I do take your preferences into consideration and I am not being judgmental and I want you to be yourself and I want you to decide for yourself and I don’t want to force you into anything you’ll hate and I want you to come here and watch season six of Survivor with me but first let me give you the complete rundown on the first five seasons and then we can go to church and you will have so much fun…

Prejudice Insults My Intelligence

Notice to readers:

Today’s post veers far from the humorous tone you’re used to.

The following question came up today:

If one of your late ancestors were to come back from the dead and join you for dinner, what things about your family would this person find the most shocking?

That’s simple.  They’d probably start screaming “What do you mean they’re not Jewish?”

Ah yes, the joys of mixed marriages.  I still have the Jewish family name but I’m not considered Jewish because Mom isn’t and I was raised Catholic.  (In Judaism, Dad doesn’t matter.  Jews traditionally allow the children of Jewish mothers to be considered Jewish because antisemitic sexual violence was so often committed by outsiders.  The resulting children would be born into the Jewish community and it was felt that these kids should not be ostracized.)

As you can imagine, many members of a group that has often been persecuted grow to take stands on behalf of other persecuted groups.  (The Arab-Israeli conflict is too complicated to deal with as a possible exception.)  And “the Jews” themselves are a lot like Christians.  Imagine taking a bunch of Southern Baptists, pro-gay-marriage Episcopals, Roman Catholics, Presbyterians, and Amish from around the world and cramming them all into a tiny slice of land about the size of Israel.  Do you think they’d get along?  Jews are about the same, but there’s fewer of them.

Talking about “The Jews” is about as meaningful as talking about “The Christians.”

But back to the topic.  The Jews are a diverse people who tend to be among the most open and tolerant of other cultures and traditions.  Not all Jews, of course, but it seems to be true as a general tendency.

However, there seems to be one exception… and I don’t mean Muslims.  The non-Jewish children of mixed marriages aren’t treated very well, at least in my own personal experience.  It’s only a fraction of Jews who behave this way, but it’s a tendency I’ve noticed in how they behave towards me.

I’ve been offered help on my job search until I informed the person I’m not Jewish.  Then, bye-bye.  And I’ve seen a look of fear in their eyes when I tell them this and I’ve heard sneers (when I mention my brother) that “oh, there’s another one of you.”  And I’ve seen my knowledge disregarded from that point on.  Remember, I have a Ph.D.

I understand one fear that many Jews have.  Marrying outside the religion means the children may not be raised Jewish.  For a group that’s so small, extensive intermarriage threatens their continued existence.  But that’s no excuse for bigotry against human beings who came into existence after an interfaith marriage took place.

Stained Glass Windows Insult My Intelligence

With all the focus on Pope Francis’ humility, I thought I’d share a photo from my visit at St. Peter’s Basilica:

Among the details less commonly viewed...

Among the details less commonly viewed…

Besides the ornate wall decorations, you might have noticed the plain old windows Windows that allow fresh white sunlight to enter.  Windows that don’t seem to match the overall church.  Windows that an unemployed guy like me could afford to have at home.

If this weren’t usually a humor blog, I’d tell you that the windows resemble the current pope and reveal how stained glass is overrated when it comes to making a statement.  However, I prefer to have some fun because these windows also resemble the pope in other ways: they are fragile, old, and pale in color.

I’d suggest black windows but that sounds like something you’d see on a prom night limousine.  Not very religious…