College Fundraising Insults My Intelligence

In one of my first posts, I slammed a college fundraiser for the buffoonish tactics she used when asking me for money.  To refresh your memory, I went to graduate school at a university that costs undergraduates upwards of $45,000 per year… or is it $55,000 by now?  The institution possesses an enormous financial reserve while thousands of suckers graduate with enormous debt every year.

But hooray!  Financial aid comes to the rescue!

Unbeknownst to many students (and their checkbook-wielding parents), colleges have borrowed a marketing tactic from retailers.  Raise prices through the roof, let those high prices make people believe that those prices mean higher quality, and offer discounts to make people think they’re getting a deal… all while soaking the poor saps who pay full price.

And then come the fundraisers who want to pull your heartstrings out with a pitchfork.  Those poor students!  So many of them are on financial aid and they need your help to make it through.  Let our tuition marketing scheme fool you into thinking your donation will make a difference in their lives.  And listen to the stories of some especially needy students who could never have afforded our artificially inflated prices without the markdowns we had budgeted for anyway.

So give us money, dammit.  The psychologically manipulated student body will remain forever grateful.

(Sadly, that last line is probably true.)

I’ll close with a second reminder.  I did my bachelor’s at a large public university and my graduate work at the prestigious University of Money.  While I can’t complain about my experiences at the U. of M., I don’t see how the undergraduate education offered there exceeded what I got at my other, more lowly alma mater.

Arrogance Insults My Intelligence

Marks on the world. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everybody wants to leave a mark on the world beyond the one they leave in their underwear.  You can call it arrogance, narcissism, or naive idealism if you like.

I’ll simply call it misguided.

If you want to make the world a better place, you must first understand that you are a blithering idiot with nothing of value to contribute.  So shut up and listen for once in your life.  Silence is golden and loose lips sink ships.  Put away your keyboard because no one cares what you have to say, and burn your home library while you’re at it.  Those books contain powerful ideas that are dangerous in the hands of imbeciles like you.

A blazing success!  Now that things are roasting, it’s time for a big ole barbecue… and don’t forget the beer.  And vodka.  Oh, to hell with it!  Bring the whole damn liquor cabinet.  If you run out of books, that Everclear will keep things nice and toasty as you prepare your succulent Filet of the Trans Fat Substitute Formerly Known as Pork.   You’ll have to clog your arteries the old fashioned way.

Eat, my darlings, eat.  And pay no attention to what I’m sprinkling in the brew.  If you must know, it’s the same stuff that creeps use in bars to “convince” the objects of their lust to move beyond PG-rated pleasantries.  But fear not, I am not a creep.

I am also not a crook, but I like to see you become crooked.  After all, ’tis better to laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.  Life is good if you let it be.

You are all that matters.  Your sole purpose in life should be the attainment of personal pleasure.  While you’re at it, be sure to leave a mark on the world.  You deserve to be remembered in perpetuity and a lasting legacy represents the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Everyone should strive towards this goal.  Imagine a world in which everyone shouts their legally trademarked messages and creates charities that cannot survive because no one donates to any charity that doesn’t bear their own name. The world would be a better place if we could all agree to leave our own unique marks.

And I want to help make that happen.  Since you’ll all soon be drunk, drugged, or dead of cardiac arrest or syphillis, I request that you share your wealth with The Bumblepuppy Fund.  With your help, I will ensure that each person can erect a charitable monument to their own greatness.  Self-aggrandizing behavior becomes socially acceptable when it appears to help others.

Therefore, I need the following information from you to make perfection a reality:

Name
Address
Phone Number
Social Security number (US citizens only)
Credit card number(s)
Bank account number(s)
Your most embarrassing home videos, uncensored (because censorship is evil)

I promise not to steal your identity or otherwise abuse your trust.

Positive social change only transpires when we all work towards our own common goals.  Thank you for your financial contributions and I hope you enjoy wallowing in your insignificant lives.  We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Get pursuing, people, and pray to be forgotten.