Frankenturkey Insults My Intelligence

Today I learned that Thanksgiving leftovers can be revived after three months in the refrigerator.

Waste not, want not.  (Photo credit: Stu Spivack)

Waste not, want not. (Photo credit: Stu Spivack)

First, eliminate the odor with a few quick shots of bleach.  The bleach also replaces some of the moisture the leftovers had lost and it kills any mold that might have found a home on your bird.  Remove the dead mold with a butter knife.

After performing this basic cleaning, you must decide upon an appropriate recipient for your newly rediscovered culinary delight as well as an appropriate receptacle to ship it in.  I recommend a large Ziploc bag placed inside a cardboard box.  However, you must include something else inside the box to prevent dogs or other nearby animals from tearing open the package and stealing the loot.  I’d suggest spraying the entire box with Axe; that stuff will keep anything but teenagers away.

And now for the new, proud owner of Frankenturkey.  I do not recommend any occupant of the White House or Capitol Hill because all that Axe on the box might get you accused of trying to poison a politician.  That’s terrorism, perhaps.  Instead, I recommend your closest vegetarian friend; since the turkey no longer resembles a meat product, your friend will never know what you fed them.

If it looks like tofu and smells like tofu, it can’t be a Frankenturkey.

– Epitaph on friend’s grave

After the funeral, your refrigerator will hug you; it’s his friendship that matters most in your life.  Go out and buy your fridge some new bling.

Arrogance Insults My Intelligence

English: Composite image of the Earth at night...

Marks on the world. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everybody wants to leave a mark on the world beyond the one they leave in their underwear.  You can call it arrogance, narcissism, or naive idealism if you like.

I’ll simply call it misguided.

If you want to make the world a better place, you must first understand that you are a blithering idiot with nothing of value to contribute.  So shut up and listen for once in your life.  Silence is golden and loose lips sink ships.  Put away your keyboard because no one cares what you have to say, and burn your home library while you’re at it.  Those books contain powerful ideas that are dangerous in the hands of imbeciles like you.

A blazing success!  Now that things are roasting, it’s time for a big ole barbecue… and don’t forget the beer.  And vodka.  Oh, to hell with it!  Bring the whole damn liquor cabinet.  If you run out of books, that Everclear will keep things nice and toasty as you prepare your succulent Filet of the Trans Fat Substitute Formerly Known as Pork.   You’ll have to clog your arteries the old fashioned way.

Eat, my darlings, eat.  And pay no attention to what I’m sprinkling in the brew.  If you must know, it’s the same stuff that creeps use in bars to “convince” the objects of their lust to move beyond PG-rated pleasantries.  But fear not, I am not a creep.

I am also not a crook, but I like to see you become crooked.  After all, ’tis better to laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.  Life is good if you let it be.

You are all that matters.  Your sole purpose in life should be the attainment of personal pleasure.  While you’re at it, be sure to leave a mark on the world.  You deserve to be remembered in perpetuity and a lasting legacy represents the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Everyone should strive towards this goal.  Imagine a world in which everyone shouts their legally trademarked messages and creates charities that cannot survive because no one donates to any charity that doesn’t bear their own name. The world would be a better place if we could all agree to leave our own unique marks.

And I want to help make that happen.  Since you’ll all soon be drunk, drugged, or dead of cardiac arrest or syphillis, I request that you share your wealth with The Bumblepuppy Fund.  With your help, I will ensure that each person can erect a charitable monument to their own greatness.  Self-aggrandizing behavior becomes socially acceptable when it appears to help others.

Therefore, I need the following information from you to make perfection a reality:

Phone Number
Social Security number (US citizens only)
Credit card number(s)
Bank account number(s)
Your most embarrassing home videos, uncensored (because censorship is evil)

I promise not to steal your identity or otherwise abuse your trust.

Positive social change only transpires when we all work towards our own common goals.  Thank you for your financial contributions and I hope you enjoy wallowing in your insignificant lives.  We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Get pursuing, people, and pray to be forgotten.