Frankenturkey Insults My Intelligence

Today I learned that Thanksgiving leftovers can be revived after three months in the refrigerator.

Waste not, want not.  (Photo credit: Stu Spivack)

Waste not, want not. (Photo credit: Stu Spivack)

First, eliminate the odor with a few quick shots of bleach.  The bleach also replaces some of the moisture the leftovers had lost and it kills any mold that might have found a home on your bird.  Remove the dead mold with a butter knife.

After performing this basic cleaning, you must decide upon an appropriate recipient for your newly rediscovered culinary delight as well as an appropriate receptacle to ship it in.  I recommend a large Ziploc bag placed inside a cardboard box.  However, you must include something else inside the box to prevent dogs or other nearby animals from tearing open the package and stealing the loot.  I’d suggest spraying the entire box with Axe; that stuff will keep anything but teenagers away.

And now for the new, proud owner of Frankenturkey.  I do not recommend any occupant of the White House or Capitol Hill because all that Axe on the box might get you accused of trying to poison a politician.  That’s terrorism, perhaps.  Instead, I recommend your closest vegetarian friend; since the turkey no longer resembles a meat product, your friend will never know what you fed them.

If it looks like tofu and smells like tofu, it can’t be a Frankenturkey.

– Epitaph on friend’s grave

After the funeral, your refrigerator will hug you; it’s his friendship that matters most in your life.  Go out and buy your fridge some new bling.

Turkey Day Insults My Intelligence

The holiday season has arrived and people in the U.S. will be heading to the malls to shop and shop and shop for all sorts of garbage today.  With that in mind, I think we should all step back and think about what’s really important.

Therefore:

I would like to do my patriotic duty and wish everyone a happy Turkey Day.

This photo came from the CIA, so surely it's patriotic.

This photo came from the CIA, so it must be patriotic.

On this most Turkish of American holidays, I’d like to encourage everyone to take a moment and enjoy a nice tasty doner kebap.

Blogger’s note: If this isn’t what you mean by Turkey Day, call the holiday by its real name so you can remember the day’s real purpose.  On the other hand, I suppose we can all take a moment to be thankful for the availability of doner kebap and other ethnic foods in the US, all being sold together peacefully without obnoxious Black Friday promotions.

It’s the little things that matter.  Happy Turkey Day.

Big Juicy Bones Insult My Intelligence

turkey leg

(Photo credit: briface)

Visiting the farmer’s market is always fun.  Today, I bought turkey legs and I am very happy with my purchase.  In the United States, chickens and turkeys are bred for their breast meat and the remaining parts end up being a lot less expensive.  In other parts of the world, the breast is considered the least tasty part of a bird other than the feathers.  Having lived outside of the U.S., I had the opportunity to gain an appreciation for dark meat.

However…

I learned something from my visit today.  I asked for three turkey legs and they gave me the ones that looked like they came from a pterodactyl.  So they sold me as much product as possible while still following my instructions.  And I’m sure the next person, if he asked for 3 pounds of turkey legs, would have received the smallest of the bunch.  That means more bone and less meat for the same price… and the store wins again.  (There is proportionally more bone per pound in a small turkey leg than in a large one.)

So, if you would rather gnaw on a nice meaty leg instead of a big juicy bone, order your meat by number of pieces, not weight.