Christmas Trees Insult My Intelligence

Christmas should be every day, sort of.  (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

Christmas should be every day, sort of. (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)

I came home last night to find a festive bundle of decaying holiday joy shining through the window of my neighbor’s house.

Too many punchlines come to mind.

Because of this, I would like to wish everyone a Merry March Madness and present a list of the top ten reasons you finally need to get rid of that Christmas tree:

10- Unlike the lovely holiday sweaters you received, you can’t regift the tree without investing a lot of time and money into the effort.

9- If you wanted to arrange dried pieces of firewood so that they could achieve inferno status in minimum time, you couldn’t do much better than to build a Christmas tree shape.  And by the way, the warranty on those lights you bought in December has expired.

8- In December, you said “we shouldn’t let secular distractions infringe on a religious holiday.”  Now that Easter is coming, I’d like to return the favor.  We’re all going to notice your tree and not your religious exhortations.  (On the other hand, maybe the tree can last a few weeks longer…)

7- The electricity company’s Christmas special is no longer running.

6- Unlike the frankenturkey, your tree cannot be revived.

5- What fun is a Christmas tree if it no longer has needles for you to clean off of the floor?

4- That’s not penicillin growing at the base and your dog will get sick if he decides it’s tasty.

3- You could shove the top of that tree up an angel’s underside because the angel isn’t real.  Your pet rabbit is getting worried that you’ll try to change the tree’s theme for Easter.  Expect a revolt.

2- That is a tree, not a bush.  If you wish to display political advertisements for Jeb, this is one of the few methods that makes you look less intelligent than the Tea Partiers.  At least the Tea Partiers recycled their trees.

1- No one is bringing you any gifts.  Get over it.

Marriage Counseling Insults My Intelligence

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I’m covering my ears.  Do you have a problem with that? (Photo credit: thatguygil)

Congratulations on your impending divorce!  Before you got married, some of our friends predicted that your relationship wouldn’t last long but you exceeded everyone’s expectations

Sort of.

There was, of course, the bickering, the bickering, and the bickering.  If you have guests over, or are guests at someone else’s home, you shouldn’t be arguing loudly for thirty minutes, repeatedly, about insignificant details.

But that’s not your greatest fault as a couple.  See, when things went wrong, you decided that I would be an excellent person to talk things over with.  Me, the bachelor with no psychological training whatsoever.  I can only smile and nod in that situation… though I’m only smiling on the inside and that’s because you make me thankful to not have married so young.

Of course, my lack of experience makes me an exceptionally unbiased and knowledgeable arbiter of your innermost dissatisfactions.  So, without further ado, I would like to offer ten pieces of advice straight from my heart.

1- You are both deranged.  Custody of the children should be awarded to someone else.  Anyone else… but not me.

2- Your arguments over money are easier to solve.  If you cannot agree on who gets it, let me borrow it on an indefinite basis so that it can create no additional ill will between you.

3- The house is less simple, especially since its value crashed a few years back.  Perhaps you’d find it financially beneficial to share the house as roommates.

4- I refuse to referee your sex life because there’s not supposed to be sex after marriage except to create children.  I expect both of you to practice celibacy after the divorce out of respect for your ex-spouse.

5- Murder is still illegal.  I’m pretty confident that a licensed professional will tell you the same thing.

6- Divorce is fun.  You’ll get to spend more time on each other than you have in years.

7- I don’t care whose fault it is.  Right now, you’re both at fault for disturbing my peace and quiet.  Please argue as though you were in a library.

8- Speaking of libraries, perhaps reading a book would calm you down.  Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” would calm you down for a long time.  Maybe that’s a good choice.  But, please, don’t try to share a single copy.  Sharing things hasn’t worked well between you in the past.  You can afford two copies.

9- The pets are easier to divide… right down the middle and then thrown on the grill.  I’m glad you have fish instead of dogs.

10- You say you want to give the marriage one last try?  Then, please, talk to a professional who can give decent advice.  But don’t spend too much time on it because it’s expensive and you always argue about money.

Stupid Parents Insult My Intelligence

I’m sure you’ve all have seen parents who remain clueless about their teenage children.  And then these well informed adults want to lecture you on their brilliant parenting strategies!  Or, if you’re a teenager, maybe you’ve had to live through a few parenting mishaps yourself.

So here we go with another top 10 list.  This time, it’s the ten dumbest things parents can do or say to their teenagers.  And I promise to write something more intelligent tomorrow…

Bring Your Own

(Photo credit: Chiot’s Run)

10: They try to offer a helpful weight loss tip: “Drinking and driving is also illegal if you’re guzzling a soft drink or milkshake.”

Detective John Kimble and O'Hara in the classr...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9: They assume that everything teenagers need to know about sex can be learned from the movies.  Specifically, Kindergarten Cop.

“Boys have a penis.  Girls have a vagina.”

Ron Paul

(Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

8: They always assume that their teenager shares all of their deepest political convictions.  Always.  “These whippersnappers can’t think for themselves.”

White Board | 219/365

(Photo credit: mfhiatt)

7: They inform their teenager that Algebra is necessary to understand Harry Potter’s spellbook.

Beavis as The Great Cornholio.

Beavis as The Great Cornholio. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

6: They try to be cool.  For example, they imitate Beavis in public.

Facebook logo

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

5: They attempt reverse psychology: “Reading Facebook is more educational than reading a paperback book.”

Acne vulgaris

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4: They are always encouraging.  “Those zits make you look really cute and everyone at school will think so too.”

Oktoberfest dirndl

(Photo credit: 24oranges.nl)

3: They bring their teenagers to Germany every summer but don’t let them drink beer, even under parental supervision.  Not even once.  Even though it’s legal there.  (Author’s note: the teenagers know that drinking German beer ultimately leads to successful careers in engineering.  It works for the Germans, doesn’t it?)

DSC_0117

(Photo credit: juan tan kwon)

2: They make themselves useful: “I’m chaperoning your prom because I want you to have every opportunity to enjoy the evening.”

Slide11: They search their teenager’s bedroom for dirty magazines.

Bad Poetry Insults My Intelligence

There’s lots of bad poetry on the web and I want to help it proliferate… sort of.  To assist you in becoming a productive contributor of garbage, here’s a list of the ten worst topics you could write a poem about.  Maybe you can insult my intelligence with your creations.

(And by the way, please welcome our friends who will be visiting us from The World’s Top 10 of Anything and Everything.  This will be doubling as a guest post over there.)

Phlegm

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

10: Phlegm

The winds, they wage a wheezing war
Which we can hardly stem.
The lungs, they lunge like lion’s leap
To loosen up the phlegm.

English: Mandarin orange (Citrus reticulata)

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

9: An orange

You can’t rhyme it and you can’t complain about the lack of rhymes.  That would be too predictable.

Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

8: The NSA

Every breath I take
And every move I make 
Every bond I break 
Every step I take
You’ll be watching me.

Basic Algebra Review

(Photo credit: Gene Wilburn)

7: Algebra

If 2x plus 4 over 7 is 3,
Then 20 plus 4x times 13 beats me.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantys...

(Photo credit: diluvienne)

6. The city of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Llanfair
pwllgwyngyll
gogerychwyrnd
robwllllantysilio
gogogoch!

Sweet town of
Llanfair
pwllgwyngyll
gogerychwyrnd
robwllllantysilio
gogogoch!

English: A selection of kitchen spatulas

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

5: A spatula

Be honest.  A poem about spatulas would make people flip.

English: Mothballs

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4: Mothballs

My love, these mothballs I do take
And put them on my spoon.
And if my love you do forsake
I might die sometime soon.

Triple H wins the WWE Championship Match again...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3: Wrestlemania

Because every poetry collection should mention oversized men in their underwear pretending to wrestle…

Seminoma of the Testis

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2: Testicular Cancer

Scrotum, scrotum burning bright
In the middle of the night
What infernal cancer now
Disrupts thy fearful symmetry?

Wikipedia

(Photo credit: Octavio Rojas)

1: Wikipedia:

Hey bub!
This poem
is only
a stub.