Ingenuity Insults My Intelligence

Once upon a time a vicious bison was terrorizing Ted’s cabin.

Bison are very protective of their land.  (Photo credit: Adrian Measures)

Bison are protective of their land because they’ve learned from history. (Photo credit: Adrian Measures)

Ted had built the cabin far from civilization but he had forgotten to bring a gun, trap, or anything else to protect himself with.  He feared that the bison would maul him and he needed to take action.

Unfortunately for Ted, he hadn’t been to the city in a while.  That meant he only had two liters of Diet Coke, five pounds of ground beef, a few packs of Mentos, a frying pan, and a metal bowl.  He lacked the strength to hurl furniture at the beast.

And he had to rescue himself.

So he fried a meatloaf and stuck the Mentos inside.  Then he poured the Diet Coke into the bowl and left a nice snack outside for the bison.

The bison ate it.

Do you know what happens when Mentos mix with Diet Coke?  They explode.

And so the bison exploded in a flash of orange and red.  Blood and intestines gushed through the window and drenched poor Ted.

Incidentally, the bison had anthrax and Ted became infected.  He died soon afterwards.

Nobody lived happily ever after.

Dreams Insult My Intelligence

Once upon a time there was a fish named Beavis.  He lived in a luxurious fish tank at the dentist’s office.

Them there blue rocks don't come cheap.

Them there blue rocks don’t come cheap.

Ah, that artificial blue reminded Beavis of home, a river he had never set a fin in.  How he pined for the that river, its plastic-free rocks, its running water, the availability of fishfriends and fishgirlfriends.  And of course fresh worms instead of that flaky crap from a bottle.

One day Beavis decided to make his dream come true.   A patient was passing by the tank after receiving a root canal and getting his teeth whitened and having his wisdom teeth pulled and being fitted for dentures… and Beavis thought “if I make this guy angry, he’ll complain to the dentist and the dentist will have to get rid of me to save his business.”

Things never go as planned.

Beavis enraged the patient by contorting his face to look like a toothless old man and released a giant air bubble to get the patient’s attention.  The patient noticed and was not amused.   But instead of raising his voice, he decided to dispose of that irritating bottle of Listerine that the dentist had just foisted upon him.

Yeppers.  He poured in the whole damn bottle.

Fortunately for Beavis, the dentist saw this and eventually rescued him from the poisoned tank.  Beavis was rehoused in some fresh water and soon the dentist was taking him to be released at the river.

Oh, the excitement as his new home approached!

Brown water is so much cleaner than blue water.

Brown water is so much cleaner than blue water.

Beavis was soon poured in and, having been subjected to fish food for so long, he decided to find a nice juicy worm.

And he found one very quickly.  Unfortunately, it contained a hook.

Thus died our little dreamer.  And then he went to Hell.

Who says water and flames don't mix?

Who says water and flames don’t mix?

God ruled his death to be a suicide because harassing an inevitably grouchy dental patient will take you to the morgue more quickly than eating a Listerine-marinated fish.

Funny how things turn out.

Barking Insults My Intelligence

Once upon a time there was a cute little puppy…

Beagle puppy

Cute little puppy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Unfortunately, the puppy had no unique talents.  He knew how to pee and how to bark and how to fetch.  He also knew a few other doggy tricks that made his owners happy, but he didn’t know how to become famous.

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In his sadness, the puppy started howling at the moon and the racket woke up his neighbors.  Soon enough, their door opened and an old, tired-looking man started walking his way.

The puppy was scared.  Very scared.

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The old man also knew that the puppy had other hidden talents.  For example, the puppy knew how to hump a person’s leg.  “That’s perfect for your first concert tour,” the old man said.  “Just get up there and shake your hips and yelp and you’ll make a lot of people very happy.”

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And that, boys and girls, is where wealthy pop stars come from.