The fifth thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
Five drunk fratboys
The fourth thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
Four weeks of church
The third thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
The second thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
Two tacky gifts
The first thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
The kid who wants a large breed
Blogger’s note: This is (obviously) a 12 part series. All photos will have new captions in each post, so you’ll miss a lot if you only read day 12. For all completed posts in this series, click on the “twelve days of Christmas” link below.
Many of you have already seen various bloggers discussing their adventures during this year’s National Novel Writing Month, a.k.a. NaNoWriMo. During this most exhilarating event, people attempt to write a short and semi-readable novel within the span of a single month.
Needless to say, failure abounded. Failure is tragic yet beautiful.
I did not participate because I consider it my civic duty to enlighten readers in such a way that positive social change might result. We have no time for fluff, so I am proposing a new event. This new event could double or even triple the amount of time people spend on reading novels each year.
I call this event NaNoSecond.
As a special bonus, people will remember the name because it’s already in their vocabularies… sort of. If we spread the word effectively enough, NaNoSecond can supplant the time measurement as people’s first thought when they hear the word spoken aloud. Computers aren’t important, right?
Could there be any better way to promote reading among people who haven’t touched a book since third grade?
We all know the childish little game that goes along with every fortune cookie.
For those of you who need a reminder, some people like to add “in bed” to the end of their fortunes.
Since many of my readers would like to feel a little younger, I have decided to behave like a child today. Like a child who’s going to Hell.
I think I’ll play the bed game a little differently and see what we get.
1- I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not have strange gods before me in bed.
This God person is obviously energetic if he can service so many people without having them worn down first by other partners. Either that or the population will start dwindling rather quickly.
2- Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain in bed.
Kind of like Santa Claus, he sees you when you’re sleeping AND when you’re sleeping with somebody. Doesn’t he have better ways to spend his time?
3- Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day in bed.
Finally! An excuse to not mow the lawn…
4- Honor thy Father and Mother in bed.
5- Thou shalt not kill in bed.
Catholic Church: please take note. The Bible says we should use condoms.
6- Thou shalt not commit adultery in bed.
Instead, thou shalt commit adultery on the kitchen table, in the bathtub, or under the car.
7- Thou shalt not steal in bed.
A commandment to benefit the wealthy hotel owners. This prevents the theft of their precious pillows and teaches us that we must honor the primacy of corporate needs.
8- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor in bed.
Everyone loves to gossip while they’re sleeping or performing adult activities, right? And people love it even more when their partner starts spouting off about someone else.
9- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife in bed.
Since you can’t commit adultery in bed, it kind of makes sense that you should covet her in a place where you can actually do something about your feelings.
This also looks like a good place to interpret the Bible literally for political purposes. This commandment forbids sexual interest in certain women and the First Commandment prohibits sexual activity with certain men. (The commandment says nothing about strange goddesses.) It seems unlikely that one commandment would be addressed to women and another to men, so I can only assume that these two commandments constitute a Biblical justification for bisexuality.
10- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods in bed.
What kind of “goods” is meant here? This might be a call for guys with smaller “goods” to feel more confident. I’m impressed that this commandment was stated so diplomatically.
Congratulations on your successful divorce!
I know the financial consequences will devastate you for the next two decades and I hope you’re at least somewhat disappointed in how little time you’ll be spending with your children. Since you’ve been so victimized, I’d like to offer a few thoughts that will allow you to digest what just happened.
- Being physically present in the house or grocery store (etc.) with the children does not count as parenting, even if you interact with them at a reasonably human level. It also does not automatically make you a superior parent when compared to your husband who was working 90 hours a week, although leaving the children with you might be construed as negligence and negligence is child abuse. I think child abuse is a crime in most states. If your parenting skills are in question after so many years, it’s not your husband’s fault.
- If you want to complain about the verdict, it’s okay to mention the child support and alimony and the limited financial resources you’ll have to deal with. However, you should also sound at least somewhat affected by the loss of child custody, even though your offspring must have said bad things to the judge about you. Remember that they are still cute.
- Attacks on your character in court are not automatically lies. People can honestly express negative beliefs about you. Those beliefs can even be true.
- If you want to show that the testimony about your profligate spending was inaccurate, start by furnishing your new apartment with less expensive items.
- Do not tell me how you lost because you were pursuing an honest court case while your ex-husband was lying left and right. On second thought, you can tell me that but not immediately before complaining about how your best friend was giving scrupulously honest testimony in court that did not consistently work in your favor.
- The judge obviously didn’t like you very much and maybe she was biased against you. You know, those liberal activist judges always want to create a more equitable society by giving full custody of the children to the man.
- It’s not our legal system’s fault that you lost. You consented to the rules when you filed for divorce. Now go pay your lawyer.
Today, I would like to make a public service announcement to all the children who started following my blog after the recent Vagina Monologues post. I feel that we must teach them the value of orderly speech and behavior. And so, without further ado, I present to you a special guide for the little ones.
Good morning boys and girls! I hope you had sweet dreams, dreams of lollipops and cookies and cute little kitty cats. Your mommy and daddy want you to be happy. Your mommy and daddy are always right.
Your mommy and daddy also say things you don’t understand. You should be like mommy and daddy. You should talk like mommy and daddy. You should learn what their words mean.
“Beer” is not for you. It’s how mommy and daddy make babies. You can try beer when you’re 28. By then, you will be finishing “college.” College is where people learn how to use beer. These lessons take a very long time.
A “condom” is a small water balloon. That’s why mommy and daddy are always playing with them. Ask daddy why the condoms are so small.
“Emphysema” is why the ham tastes so good. It takes a lot of smoke to make an emphysema. If mommy keeps smoking, worms will think you taste good too.
Everybody “has sex.” You are a girl or a boy. Your daddy is a big boy. Your mommy is a big girl. That is their sex. Tell mommy and daddy every day that they have sex.
“Guns” will make you happy unless the other kids get more of them. Ask mommy and daddy to buy you guns. One day, you’ll be allowed to “vote.” If you have a lot of guns, your “vote” can protect them. If you vote for guns, you can have a Tea Party.
“Gay marriage” means nothing. Gay means “happy” and all marriages are happy. Mommy and daddy are always happy. Tell mommy and daddy that they have a gay marriage. If they ask questions, tell mommy that she’s as good as a man. All women are as good as men.
“The F word” is “fart.” Tell your teacher that mommy and daddy do the F word on the sofa. And they do it in the kitchen. And in the bathroom. And in the front yard. If your teacher looks unhappy, just say “pork and beans.”
“Repossessed” means that ghosts now live in your house. The ghosts want to kill you. That smaller apartment will save your life. Mommy and Daddy are crying because they’re so happy. Tell mommy and daddy that the IRS is glad they’re happy.
“The IRS” are my heroes. They’re like the Ghostbusters, but they carry better guns. Guns make people happy. Call the IRS today and ask them to visit mommy and daddy.
“Schizophrenia” means that you can ask mommy and daddy the same question until you get the answer you want. They won’t remember they said “no” three times before that. Schizophrenia makes mommy and daddy better parents. Look for the word “schizophrenia” on all those tiny little bottles in mommy and daddy’s bathroom.
You may remember recent reports that a second grade teacher had to prevent a parent from distributing vagina cookies to the class. I can’t deliver the story any better than the original, so here are a couple of excerpts:
Autumn Lily Speaker comes into the classroom with a pan full of treats. […] “I decided you can use these to teach the kids about the woman’s vagina today”. Baffled and completely caught off guard I slowly peel the aluminum foil off the pan to behold a plethora of sugar cookie and frosting vaginas. Not just any old vagina, but ALL KINDS OF VAGINAS.
[P]erplexed I give the parent the most professional look I can muster and quietly reply “I’m sorry Autumn, but I can’t give these to my students. This just isn’t appropriate.” […] Autumn bursts with the fury of a thousand angry Andrea Dworkin’s and starts yelling in front of the class about how ‘I should be proud of my vagina’ and ‘I am settling for a women’s role in life’. Utterly bemused and frozen from shock all I can do is stand and stare at the woman as the word ‘vagina’ is yelled in front of my second grade class about 987,000 times.
It gets worse from there. In a subsequent email, the parent implies that the children should learn how to pleasure the vagina and expresses hope that the teacher will be beaten by an abusive husband.
News of the altercation eventually landed on Huffington Post and I’m surprised that HuffPost would feature a story that opens the floodgates for criticizing feminists. I spent many years on college campuses and this incident reminds me of V Day. “V Day,” or Vagina Day, is the campus feminists’ replacement for the standard February 14 holiday. The feminists distribute vagina lollipops instead of vagina cookies and they urge “pride in your vagina” and the pleasuring thereof. (In other words, the mother sounds like she just came from campus.) V Day’s centerpiece is the performance of Eve Ensler’s “Vagina Monologues,” a piece that includes some value but also some pedophilia; however, proceeds are often donated to women’s support charities, which must be said in its defense. Also to be said in its defense: Roseanne Barr performed the piece in her underwear a few years back, so there’s obviously some sweet stuff for the men too… in addition to the lollipops. (Cool down. This is a humor blog, remember?)
Long story short: this is what a lot of college students are being taught and the cupcake incident illustrates the unintended consequences of this well-intended V Day programming. Just because it works in theory doesn’t mean it will work outside the university with young children, or with older children, or with adults, or with dead people. (I take that back. Maybe it would work with dead people because they lack brain function.) It’s not the real world’s fault that the intellectual idealist’s ideas fall flat when removed from the academic cloister. Them students don’t remember the lesson right when they leave skool and then the kiddies hafta suffer. The adults too.
The feminism that helps protect women on campus seems to have led at least this one mother to wish domestic violence on another woman. The Women’s Studies professors would be so proud.
I believe in honor. It’s honorable… and the Honorable one sitting in front of the courtroom sees it that way too. Sometimes, that’s the person who’ll decide whether you win your case.
Therefore, in the interests of honor and your future legal undertakings, I’d like to offer some advice that might be useful to you or your witnesses as you partake in the glorious art of litigation:
1- If you’re asked a question, the correct answer is not “YES! uh… wait a minute let me think about that.” You should know immediately whether you spend four hours per day submerged in a fish tank with your pet Goldy. Your hesitation sounds sillier than your act of communion with that poor little goldfish.
2- The defendant is not schizophrenic. The defendant also does not suffer from any of the other psychiatric conditions you’re listing. You majored in statistics; you should know the odds of your diagnostic pronouncements being seen as credible. Hint: it starts with a zero.
3- Do not accuse the defendant of committing a crime that occurred seventeen years ago unless you just learned that information today. The police wanted that information seventeen years ago and now they probably want you just as much for not giving it to them.
4- When the judge starts laughing at you, you should stop talking.
5- When the judge falls asleep, that’s the time to inform everyone of all those pesky incriminating details.
6- You should know BEFOREHAND whether you’re a credible witness. If you’re describing someone’s character and can’t produce any information from the past ten years, you look like an idiot. On second thought, you ARE an idiot.
7- Your lawyer is your friend. (Did you ever think you’d read that sentence?) Do not lie to your lawyer. If your lawyer doesn’t know the weaknesses in your case, no attempt can be made to ever-so-ethically brush them under the rug. Telling your lawyer also helps when your opposition brings up those pesky little details; all that smooth courtroom talk has to be prepared in advance.
8- Don’t be squirrely. Only authentic squirrels can do that without looking guilty. Sometimes.