Kindness Insults My Intelligence

Don't worry.  All those messages aren't you.  My mom called once last night.  (Photo credit: Dave Chamberlain)

Don’t worry. All those messages aren’t you. My mom called once last night. (Photo credit: Dave Chamberlain)

Thank you for your kind telephone call. Because the ringing started promptly at 6:30, I did not have to listen to my annoying family members during dinner.

Thank you for kindly not hanging up on our machine. We use it to weed out the undesirable callers but you demonstrated your friendliness by persisting.

Thank you for kindly leaving a message after the beep. We appreciate you taking the time from your busy schedule to inform us that we may qualify for lower interest rates on our credit cards.

Thank you for kindly repeating your message multiple times even though no one is on the line with you. It brings back the nostalgia of a scratched vinyl record. It also reminds me of political campaigns, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber.

Thank you for kindly using an automated message instead of a live human. Listening to a machine is less painful than hearing a man writhe in agony as he desperately seeks a lifeline.

Thank you for kindly calling back fifteen minutes later to make sure we received the original message. We had forgotten to check and we plan to forget again.

Thank you for kindly calling a third time so that we could finish our dinner with the same melodic ringing we started with.  You obviously understood that we were forgetting the second message as well.

And last, but certainly not least…

Thank you for kindly not suing us for picking up the phone and asking your robocaller if she dreams of performing [grown-up activity] with R2D2 and C3PO. Harassment is a serious matter and I trust that you would never stand for the mistreatment of any living or robotic entity.

Telemarketers Insult My Intelligence

You call three, four, five times a day.  I never pick up the phone for you, and your message is always prerecorded.  You’re not quite selling your product, just trying to find people who will agree to have one of your representatives call them at a later time.  It’s “free,” and I only have to speak the word yes.


(Photo credit: Stitch)

I am not a cruel person.  I will not request a representative and proceed to tell her how seductive her voice is, how much I’d like to meet her for a drink and a nightcap, and how I’d make her feel.  Telemarketers are critters too and you deserve the humane treatment we afford squirrels, chipmunks, and other such creatures.  (See?  I’m being morally just by not urging people to treat your kind like houseflies or cockroaches or fire ants.)

I wish you were as courteous as I am.  You make my phone ring at all hours of the day and it quickly gets annoying.  Do you think I will accept your services (much less pay for anything from you) if you just woke me up or interrupted something important?  The other telemarketers are obnoxious for calling and not leaving a message.  You’re just stupid because you leave the same message over and over again.  I know you called at 9:05, at 10:48, at 1:45, at 4:50, and at 8:30.  You annoyed me five times today, and plenty of times yesterday, the day before, the day before, and so on.  Do you think this creates a positive impression?  And, after so many failed calls, do you really think you’ll get what you don’t deserve?

You remind me of my ex-girlfriend.  I think you two could become great friends, so here’s her phone number and you can give her a call or sixteen.