Cats Insult My Intelligence

I’m going to get in so much trouble for this, but here it goes anyway.

To the tune of “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon:

A man walks down the street
He says, Why am I soft in the middle now?
Why am I soft in the middle?
Defendin’ my home is so hard.
I need a guard cat with sharpened claws.
I want a shot at some safety.
Don’t want to end up a young guy
In an young guy graveyard.
Cute felines, cute felines,
Cats in the moonlight
Come upon my well-lit door.
Abyssinian, ‘ssinian
Get this cat in here with me
You know I don’t find this crime
Amusing anymore.

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

A man walks to the fridge
He says, Why am I short of some chicken?
Cat wants a little can of some chicken
And now my nights are so long.
Where’s my fish and milk carton?
What if she starves here?
Who’ll be my protector
Soon as my protector is
Gone, gone?
She’ll duck back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bobtail guy.
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents.
There were hints and allegations.

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

A man sits on his couch
In his house on a bad road.
Maybe it’s a bur-guh-lar.
Maybe it’s the cat’s first defense.
She doesn’t care to engage,
No cares in the world.
She is a lazy cat.
She is surrounded by the spoils, the spoils:
Burgers from the marketplace
Litter box and lots of cool toys.
She looks around, around.
She sees gunfire in the living room now.
Purring in infinity
She says, “Hey man, now bring me tuna!”

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

Puppy Haters Insult My Intelligence

An Adorable Puppy

(Photo credit: Timothy Tolle)

Awww.   Look at that cute little puppy!  Who wouldn’t melt at the sight of his adorable face?  And the way he looks at you with those eyes is nothing short of spellbinding.  And those ears!  They are just too precious!  He looks like he wants to cuddle and cuddle and cuddle all day long.  This is what blogs were made for.

Did I forget to mention that the puppy is cute?

Ahem.

Now that I’ve written enough to fill the text box in the WordPress Reader, I’d like to tell you about an experiment I’m conducting.  I’m trying to determine if a correlation exists between a love for puppies and a love for this guy:

According to Bullock, Hitler was an opportunis...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please help me discover the truth.  If you love puppies AND Adolf Hitler, please click the “Like” button for this post.  If you appreciate this post and want to let me know, please leave a comment instead.

By clicking the “Like” button, you authorize me to use your name as well as any content from your blog.  Don’t click “Like” unless you are a proud Neo-Nazi; I may feature you in a subsequent post about blithering idiots.  Even if you unclick the “Like” button later on, I will retain an email record of your earlier click.  Therefore, by clicking “Like,” you affirm the legal nullification of your future attempts to distance yourself from puppies and/or Hitler.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Moral of the story: Never click the “Like” button on a blog post unless you have read the entire thing.  You never know what lunacy you may be encouraging.  You also never know if you’re dragging your name through the mud.

Classroom Pets Insult My Intelligence

English: An image of a Common goldfish

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You may put a fish in water
with a filter twice its size.
You may give it food two times a day
But still, of course, it dies.

Français : Hamster en cage (Femelle)

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Does the hamster wheel upset you?
Does the cage foul up the room?
‘Cause he sprays like gushing oil wells
And creates some nasty fumes.

Just like Grandma’s older cats
That have used up their nine lives
Though the hamster climbs high
Still, it dies.

Crying child

(Photo credit: Creative Donkey)

Do you like to see kids mourning?
With bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by their soulful cries.

My son's pet snake

(Photo credit: Pahz)

Should the teacher now be braver?
Should she now go get a snake?
‘Cause reptiles’ lives are like gold mines
That can bend but never break.

She can shoot it up with vaccines
She can feed it lots of mice
It can shed its skin with feistiness
But still, of course, it dies.

Photo of a Florida Box Turtle (Terrapene carol...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Will this turtle pacify them
With its shell and beady eyes?
Will the children finally smile
At this old reptilian prize?

Out from the weight of its own shell
It dies.
Up from a cage that’s rooted in pain
It dies.
Children are crying, screaming, and mad
Welling and swelling they say they’ve been had
They bellow their grievance of anger and fear:
“It dies!”
They don’t stop, for it is perfectly clear
It dies
Regretting the gifts that their kids’ teacher gave
Dad dreams of a time when some pets could be saved.
It dies.
It dies.
It dies.