Love Stories Insult My Intelligence

Once upon a time, a young Mr. Duck was enamored with a certain Ms. Duck.  He’d keep his eyes glued on her and she’d just swim on by, oblivious to his existence.

These ain't lovebirds.

One fine summer day, Mr. Duck realized that he’d need something really big to grab her attention.  And, lo and behold, a gargantuan human clad in a Daffy Duck t-shirt came ambling towards the lake. 

Mr Duck, mistaking himself for an owl, wisely deduced that Mr. Human was a fan.  Maybe Mr. Human would assist with his procreative efforts.  So Mr. Duck flapped and flapped and quacked and quacked and got a lot of attention for himself and his beloved. 

Unfortunately for the not-quite-couple, it was duck season, not wabbit season.  Fortunately for us, we get a crispy story of culinary love instead of sappy sentimentality.

This summer, find your true love and put it on a plate.

Negativity Insults My Intelligence

I’d like to take a moment to express my undying love for my readers and for everyone out there who does not read this blog.  I love all of you and I love the kittens and the salamanders and the entire animal kingdom.  Of course, I love trees and I love knees and I love fees.  Yes, I love fees.  I love parking fees and I love shipping fees and I love processing fees and I love mystery fees that show up on my lovely receipts when I go shopping at stores, all of which I love too.  Even Wal-Mart.

I started this blog to bring more positivity into the world because everything in the world is beautiful.  And everyone is good.  We must have our human interest stories and our constant praise of everything and everyone so as not to shatter anyone’s artificially inflated ego.  When responding to things other people have done, I always remain mindful of this psychological feather cloud.  Everyone deserves to be told how perfect they are, constantly and consistently, and they deserve to hear those words expressed honestly every time.

Love must happen 24 hours a day, every day, until we gloriously ascend beyond this life.  We must make sure this happens.  We must actively eliminate all those who practice constructive criticism and anything else that makes people feel bad.  No criticism is constructive, but I love the criticizers anyway.  We should reeducate them so that they may become better adapted to society’s needs.

I intend for love to blossom here every time I post something new.  Love inspired my initial forays into writing and it continues to do so. My heart rejoiced at the opportunity to convert the masses to the ways of love and I overflow with delight every time I imagine someone’s life becoming more beautiful because of my writing.

As a token of these warm feelings, I wish to share a joyous song that will fill your heart with happiness and nostalgia, reminding you how writing elevates the soul.  Please be sure to reflect on the song’s deeper meaning so that you may be fully uplifted.

 

Power Point Insults My Intelligence

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Text version:

Power Point is beautiful.

This Valentine’s Day, don’t just tell her how much you care.

Show her how much you love her with a Power Point Presentation

Power Point makes your bumbling so much easier to understand

Flowers and candy aren’t enough

And the effects of an elaborate Power Point Presentation are always predictable

Before you know it, she’ll be asking you to guide her to bed

Which brings you to your ultimate goal

Unless she has a headache

Superficial Love Insults My Intelligence

My dearest George!

After almost ten years of marriage, I’m amazed that you’re still able to find the perfect birthday gift for me.  I just arrived at the hotel and I’m so looking forward to the Justinian Beavers concert tomorrow.

I love you!

Stef's Present with Handmade Wrapping

(Photo credit: ex.libris)

Honey, I’m so excited to see the Beavers.  They’re even selling backstage passes this afternoon.  I’m already in line to get one.  Oh, I hope I do.  Pray for me!

English: People waiting in line to be casted i...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

GEORGE!!!!!  They just put giant screens up for the people in line.  They’re showing concert videos!  It’s like Jay Beaver is singing to me and only to me.  He gets me so weak kneed.

Redstone Arsenal Army Concert Tour

(Photo credit: familymwr)

OMG, George!  I got a backstage pass.  It was more expensive than I expected, so I had to sell my wedding ring.  It’ll be so worth it.  I keep picturing Jay Beaver holding me in his arms as he serenades me.  Oh thank you so much for the concert tickets.  I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

First Dance

(Photo credit: cytoon)

Hey.  I’m in the audience waiting for the concert to start.   These guys have such big hearts.  They’re giving 5% of their ticket sales to charity.  I swear they’re perfect.  I love them so much.

English: Audience at a Dan Deacon concert

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Love is in the air, love without a care, lovey lovey love, love fits like a glove.  Don’t you love that song, George?  The concert was great.  Thank you so much.  I wish I’d had Jay Beaver next to me so I could enjoy the moment fully.

Austin TV.

(Photo credit: Briss Milián)

I’m waiting backstage for them to arrive.   I’ll be here late tonight, so I’ll text you again tomorrow.

The next day…

OMG!!!!!!!!!!  Jay Beaver invited me to follow the band for the rest of their tour!!!!!!  Sorry I’ll miss our 10 year anniversary but you know how important this is to me.

And George responds…

You have found your Prince Charming.  How can I ever compete with Jay Beaver and all the images he’s sent you over the years?  The two of you already have a long and fulfilling relationship, so I’m stepping aside to let your love bloom.