Marriage Counseling Insults My Intelligence

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I’m covering my ears.  Do you have a problem with that? (Photo credit: thatguygil)

Congratulations on your impending divorce!  Before you got married, some of our friends predicted that your relationship wouldn’t last long but you exceeded everyone’s expectations

Sort of.

There was, of course, the bickering, the bickering, and the bickering.  If you have guests over, or are guests at someone else’s home, you shouldn’t be arguing loudly for thirty minutes, repeatedly, about insignificant details.

But that’s not your greatest fault as a couple.  See, when things went wrong, you decided that I would be an excellent person to talk things over with.  Me, the bachelor with no psychological training whatsoever.  I can only smile and nod in that situation… though I’m only smiling on the inside and that’s because you make me thankful to not have married so young.

Of course, my lack of experience makes me an exceptionally unbiased and knowledgeable arbiter of your innermost dissatisfactions.  So, without further ado, I would like to offer ten pieces of advice straight from my heart.

1- You are both deranged.  Custody of the children should be awarded to someone else.  Anyone else… but not me.

2- Your arguments over money are easier to solve.  If you cannot agree on who gets it, let me borrow it on an indefinite basis so that it can create no additional ill will between you.

3- The house is less simple, especially since its value crashed a few years back.  Perhaps you’d find it financially beneficial to share the house as roommates.

4- I refuse to referee your sex life because there’s not supposed to be sex after marriage except to create children.  I expect both of you to practice celibacy after the divorce out of respect for your ex-spouse.

5- Murder is still illegal.  I’m pretty confident that a licensed professional will tell you the same thing.

6- Divorce is fun.  You’ll get to spend more time on each other than you have in years.

7- I don’t care whose fault it is.  Right now, you’re both at fault for disturbing my peace and quiet.  Please argue as though you were in a library.

8- Speaking of libraries, perhaps reading a book would calm you down.  Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” would calm you down for a long time.  Maybe that’s a good choice.  But, please, don’t try to share a single copy.  Sharing things hasn’t worked well between you in the past.  You can afford two copies.

9- The pets are easier to divide… right down the middle and then thrown on the grill.  I’m glad you have fish instead of dogs.

10- You say you want to give the marriage one last try?  Then, please, talk to a professional who can give decent advice.  But don’t spend too much time on it because it’s expensive and you always argue about money.

Inconsistent Statistics Insult My Intelligence

English: Histogram of sepal widths for Iris ve...

These statistics make a frown face. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently visited a blog that had over 750 followers and fewer than 350 page views.

I assume the blogger must think we’re all really stupid.  This person most likely included an exaggerated follower count in the Follow Blog widget’s text section.  It’s not that hard to do.

But let’s look at some other possibilities.

1- This person has lots of friends and family (or perhaps Facebook friends) who promised to read his stuff and never did.  If this is the case, the blogger needs to find some real friends.

2- If the blogger has been around long enough to amass so many hundreds of empty followers (you know… salespeople and others who click “follow” from the WordPress Reader without looking at the blog) and has only garnered 300-something page views, the blogger may need to rethink how he presents his blog.

3- The blogger may need to repeat kindergarten.  A five-year-old can figure out that 750 is more than 350.

4- The blogger may need to think bigger.  If you’re going to fake the number of followers you have, why not go higher?  It’s not like he had any credibility left to lose.

5- The blogger may have entered a fake 350 hit count several years ago when he started the blog and then he forgot it was still there.  If this is the case, how sad that someone thought 350 would be impressive.

6- The blogger may need to advertise on my blog.  Given his expert grasp of statistics, I’m sure I can develop a pricing plan that maximizes my profit and his pleasure.