Caveman Dentistry Insults My Intelligence

Barely illuminated by a smoldering fire, a large cave sheltered the exploits of Dr. Orin, the man generally recognized as the father of dental phonetics. His reputation is still unmatched and his life story has even been adapted to a modern setting:

But back to the real history.  Dressed in the prehistoric equivalent of a toga, he surveyed his office with great pride. The cave walls abounded with the standard pictures of wildlife, cheaply drawn and scattered liberally above the uncomfortable rocks people sat in as they awaited the dentist. The rocks were made of galena and they sliced into people’s butts. Orin saw no need to trouble himself with supplying furniture made from more comfortable stones because he didn’t want people arriving early and sharing their worries with one another. Business ran more smoothly when people remained in the dark.

Therefore, the tiny fire. It prevented people from seeing the far side of the cave where Orin worked on his patients. Sure, the echoes carried but no one could ever know for sure whether Orin or the everpresent cockroachasaurs were terrifying the patients.

And so one day Mr. Ugg arrived at his appointed time to get a few teeth pulled. Orin called him to the back and let him lie on the giant slab that functioned as a dentist’s chair. After exchanging pleasantries, Orin told Ugg to say ahhh.

Unfortunately for Ugg, Orin didn’t wait for him to say anything. Instead, Orin immediately smashed Ugg’s mouth with his caveman club.

“Ahhh!!!” said Ugg.

Since then, doctors have told patients to say “ahhh” as a way of disguising the subsequent shrieks of anguish.

Blogger’s note: This post was written in response to kokkieh’s Song Title Challenge.  However, I’m the one who recommended the song title and literary genre.  So… to avoid accusations of cheating, this post also functions as a response to the Weekly Writing Challenge.  It had not yet been released when I made my suggestions to Mr. Kok.  (Incidentally, the song title was “Ahhh!!!,” not “I am the Dentist.”)