Beautiful Weather Insults My Intelligence

Today is a beautiful day.  I think I’ll stay inside.

Beautiful day

Today is a beautiful day! (Photo credit: David Hagwood)

Today is a beautiful day.  The sun is shining.  My computer chair is very comfortable.

Today is a beautiful day.  The pond has come alive with frogs and turtles and ducks.  I think I’ll cook something.

Today is a beautiful day.  The pond water is warm and the children splash around playfully.  The mosquitoes have arrived!

Today is a beautiful day.  Mother Nature has a sense of humor.  The pharmacist has drugs.  My lemonade is tasty.

Today was a beautiful day.  My computer protected me from mosquitoes.   (The technology has no bugs.)

Tomorrow will be a beautiful day.  It will be cool.  It will be cloudy.  The noisy children will be at home with their mosquito bites.  I will have the pond to myself.

Dreams Insult My Intelligence

Once upon a time there was a fish named Beavis.  He lived in a luxurious fish tank at the dentist’s office.

Them there blue rocks don't come cheap.

Them there blue rocks don’t come cheap.

Ah, that artificial blue reminded Beavis of home, a river he had never set a fin in.  How he pined for the that river, its plastic-free rocks, its running water, the availability of fishfriends and fishgirlfriends.  And of course fresh worms instead of that flaky crap from a bottle.

One day Beavis decided to make his dream come true.   A patient was passing by the tank after receiving a root canal and getting his teeth whitened and having his wisdom teeth pulled and being fitted for dentures… and Beavis thought “if I make this guy angry, he’ll complain to the dentist and the dentist will have to get rid of me to save his business.”

Things never go as planned.

Beavis enraged the patient by contorting his face to look like a toothless old man and released a giant air bubble to get the patient’s attention.  The patient noticed and was not amused.   But instead of raising his voice, he decided to dispose of that irritating bottle of Listerine that the dentist had just foisted upon him.

Yeppers.  He poured in the whole damn bottle.

Fortunately for Beavis, the dentist saw this and eventually rescued him from the poisoned tank.  Beavis was rehoused in some fresh water and soon the dentist was taking him to be released at the river.

Oh, the excitement as his new home approached!

Brown water is so much cleaner than blue water.

Brown water is so much cleaner than blue water.

Beavis was soon poured in and, having been subjected to fish food for so long, he decided to find a nice juicy worm.

And he found one very quickly.  Unfortunately, it contained a hook.

Thus died our little dreamer.  And then he went to Hell.

Who says water and flames don't mix?

Who says water and flames don’t mix?

God ruled his death to be a suicide because harassing an inevitably grouchy dental patient will take you to the morgue more quickly than eating a Listerine-marinated fish.

Funny how things turn out.