Sore Losers Insult My Intelligence

Congratulations on your successful divorce!

I know the financial consequences will devastate you for the next two decades and I hope you’re at least somewhat disappointed in how little time you’ll be spending with your children.   Since you’ve been so victimized, I’d like to offer a few thoughts that will allow you to digest what just happened.

Such a lovely family life, isn't it?  (Photo credit: James Delaney)

Such a lovely family life, isn’t it? (Photo credit: James Delaney)

  • Being physically present in the house or grocery store (etc.) with the children does not count as parenting, even if you interact with them at a reasonably human level. It also does not automatically make you a superior parent when compared to your husband who was working 90 hours a week, although leaving the children with you might be construed as negligence and negligence is child abuse. I think child abuse is a crime in most states. If your parenting skills are in question after so many years, it’s not your husband’s fault.
  • If you want to complain about the verdict, it’s okay to mention the child support and alimony and the limited financial resources you’ll have to deal with.  However, you should also sound at least somewhat affected by the loss of child custody, even though your offspring must have said bad things to the judge about you.  Remember that they are still cute.
  • Attacks on your character in court are not automatically lies. People can honestly express negative beliefs about you. Those beliefs can even be true.
  • If you want to show that the testimony about your profligate spending was inaccurate, start by furnishing your new apartment with less expensive items.
  • Do not tell me how you lost because you were pursuing an honest court case while your ex-husband was lying left and right. On second thought, you can tell me that but not immediately before complaining about how your best friend was giving scrupulously honest testimony in court that did not consistently work in your favor.
  • The judge obviously didn’t like you very much and maybe she was biased against you. You know, those liberal activist judges always want to create a more equitable society by giving full custody of the children to the man.
  • It’s not our legal system’s fault that you lost. You consented to the rules when you filed for divorce.   Now go pay your lawyer.

Ignorant Testimony Insults My Intelligence

I believe in honor.  It’s honorable… and the Honorable one sitting in front of the courtroom sees it that way too.  Sometimes, that’s the person who’ll decide whether you win your case.

Therefore, in the interests of honor and your future legal undertakings, I’d like to offer some advice that might be useful to you or your witnesses as you partake in the glorious art of litigation:

1- If you’re asked a question, the correct answer is not “YES! uh… wait a minute let me think about that.”  You should know immediately whether you spend four hours per day submerged in a fish tank with your pet Goldy.  Your hesitation sounds sillier than your act of communion with that poor little goldfish.

2- The defendant is not schizophrenic.  The defendant also does not suffer from any of the other psychiatric conditions you’re listing.  You majored in statistics; you should know the odds of your diagnostic pronouncements being seen as credible.  Hint: it starts with a zero.

3- Do not accuse the defendant of committing a crime that occurred seventeen years ago unless you just learned that information today.  The police wanted that information seventeen years ago and now they probably want you just as much for not giving it to them.

4- When the judge starts laughing at you, you should stop talking.

5- When the judge falls asleep, that’s the time to inform everyone of all those pesky incriminating details.

6- You should know BEFOREHAND whether you’re a credible witness.  If you’re describing someone’s character and can’t produce any information from the past ten years, you look like an idiot.  On second thought, you ARE an idiot.

7- Your lawyer is your friend.  (Did you ever think you’d read that sentence?)  Do not lie to your lawyer.  If your lawyer doesn’t know the weaknesses in your case, no attempt can be made to ever-so-ethically brush them under the rug.  Telling your lawyer also helps when your opposition brings up those pesky little details; all that smooth courtroom talk has to be prepared in advance.

8- Don’t be squirrely.   Only authentic squirrels can do that without looking guilty.  Sometimes.

Not guilty of stealing acorns?  I think not.  (Photo credit: NHN_2009)

Not guilty of stealing acorns? I think not. (Photo credit: NHN_2009)