The fourth thing at Christmas that has insulted me:
Four weeks of church
You just need to watch more TV because normal people love TV and you’ll love it eventually if I just keep talking about it and talking about it and talking about it even though I know you don’t care and then you should go out to a bar or two or three or fifteen because the only legitimate way to meet women is at a bar (because only the good women like to drink and drink and drink and drink) or at a steroid enhanced sports event or at all of those places you claim not to enjoy but you will enjoy them because I’ll make sure you do because I know what’s best for you because I have the wisdom because I live in front of the television and I go to church every Sunday, which in turn is something you ought to do because it’s good for the soul and because everybody does it and because the Bible says so and because it’s fun and I don’t want you to experience eternal damnation with the prostitutes and the murderers and the thieves and the intellectuals and the Kardashians and glory be to Jesus and glory be to Jesus again because you really can’t give Him too much glory, especially after you’ve joined me at the latest action movie with lots of sex and severed limbs and more dead bodies than a mortician sees in a lifetime plus blood spurting and spraying and flowing from the bodies across the floor, amassing into a puddle until the red liquidy goodness overflows the room and surges as a river like the Blood of Christ, which is what you ought to be thinking of in that movie theater because He is everywhere and you must do everything according to Christian beliefs and popular culture because that’s the only way you can be likeable and there’s absolutely positively no contradiction whatsoever between religion and everything I want you to do for the rest of the week and if you listen to me you can be saved both in this life and in the next and my selling of television and movies DOES NOT sound like the way I sell church and I can’t understand why you you would accuse me of trying to “sell” either one because they’re both wonderful and I don’t have to sell them and it’s completely unfounded to say that I don’t know when to take no for an answer because I do listen and I do stop talking and I do take your preferences into consideration and I am not being judgmental and I want you to be yourself and I want you to decide for yourself and I don’t want to force you into anything you’ll hate and I want you to come here and watch season six of Survivor with me but first let me give you the complete rundown on the first five seasons and then we can go to church and you will have so much fun…
I am proud to be an arrogant bastard. Here’s my selfie for the day:
But of course you may object. That’s not a person! In fact, it’s a church and you are not God…
To which I respond that your powers of observation deserve the highest recognition.
In all seriousness, I have noticed that this blog has been insufficiently churchy as of late. Since I live in the American South, a region often dubbed “Jesusland,” churchiness is often considered to be an important trait. Appearing insufficiently churchy can get you skewed looks around here. (Churchiness is not to be confused with spirituality, which need not take place in a church and often does not accurately describe what takes place there. Instead, churchiness is the membership card you display with pride.)
And so my selfie is a heavily modified image from Cologne Cathedral. People who know me can sometimes detect a little of my Catholic upbringing, but it has become so diluted and overpowered by other things that it doesn’t come through as its architects intended. There’s lots of darkness these days but nothing inherently evil.
My friends may disagree with the “nothing inherently evil” part, but that’s another topic. Today’s topic was why I’m such a good person.