Restraint Insults My Intelligence

No, people… not “Restraints Insult My Intelligence.”  I’m not that crazy.

But, seriously, I do believe that the time has come to redecorate this blog.  I’ve been using the current design since April 2014 and it has this pesky little inability to be seen as-is on mobile devices.  Now that mobile users are the vast majority, I see no point in spending money to have a design that no one can view.

Unfortunately, I still have my paid upgrade until December.  I guess that means I’ll be having some fun.

Keep calm and don’t insult my intelligence.  The new design will follow boldly in the footsteps of what came before, or something like that.  In other words, the design will be more recent than the earlier versions.

I have been using the San Kloud theme since I started this blog back in May 2013.  Here’s the original background image I used with gray (yes, boring old gray) text boxes:

The San Kloud theme has a header menu and a cartoon cloud that contains the blog title.  This was designed to make the menu invisible and the cloud look like an oval.  It worked.

The San Kloud theme has a header menu plus a cartoon cloud that contains the blog title. This background image was designed to make the menu invisible and the cloud look like an oval. It worked.  Would you want to try reading a menu against this image?

That image is light, bright, cheerful, and obviously perfect for a blog about things that insult my intelligence.  Nevertheless, I decided to darken things up a couple of months later:

This was a saved file I didn't delete.  The original background image was photo edited from this one, not the other way around.

This was a saved file I didn’t delete. My first background image was photo edited from this one, not the other way around.  Actually, I think this was originally step six along the way.

So instead of white tread marks, I now had dark tread marks.  To get these images, I had tortured a close-up scan of an article of clothing.  With all those tread marks, you might think it was underwear.

Anyway…

The blog most of you have come to know, love, admire, and dream about has looked like this for over a year:

Those lines at the top left are remnants of the theme's header menu.  Eliminating those was one of the last things I learned to do with CSS.

Those lines at the top left are remnants of the theme’s header menu. Eliminating those was one of the last things I learned to do with CSS.

Now, you may have noticed that I kind of skipped 5-6 months in my little chronology.  That was this blog’s psychedelic green period.  Instead of a bright blue (with orange borders ) header and text boxes, I used neon green with blue borders.  And the background image looked like this:

Pass the weed, man.

Pass the weed, man.

Despite the drug humor, that image has a clean origin: it was a resized and recolored scan from a box of bath soap.

And now that you’ve seen a little of this blog’s history, you may be wondering where the design is going next.  Well, I ain’t telling.  The design should be up sometime in the next week and hopefully it will be good enough that I’ll want to keep it beyond December.

I even remembered enough CSS to get a lot of things programmed already.  Who says that the unemployed can’t learn and retain new tricks?

And be forewarned: don’t expect much restraint in the new design.  As you can see, we don’t do restraint around here.

Exhaustion Insults My Intelligence

This is an odd time to celebrate the two-year anniversary of this blog. I haven’t been around much lately and I’ve more or less let my second blog languish.

These days, I am tired.  My job search has continued for longer than you could imagine and I’ve recently encountered a few other circumstances that have contributed to my energy drain.  I started this blog to vent frustrations and as a humorous diversion for myself but it’s harder to get into a humorous writing mood these days.

Exhaustion

A gentle collapsing. (Photo credit: CrossfitPaleoDietFitnessClasses)

Everything will improve once we elect Rick Santorum as President.  (Fortunately, the humor isn’t entirely gone…)

Despite everything, I still manage to submit job applications and fulfill the obligations for my volunteer commitments.  Yes, that’s plural now.  It only took a few years to make that happen.  (See here for more details.)  I am also still able to eat without vomiting.

I can’t remember the last time I had the flu…

And the volunteering keeps me sane.

However, I do remember starting this blog.  I would look at bloggers who had posted their follower count and was astounded at the ones who had reached the 800-1000 range.  And this week I surpassed the 3000 mark.  WordPress doesn’t offer any nifty little digital trophies once you get that high… which would be okay if they offered a cash award instead.

Cheap bastards.

And so, as I look ahead to year three, I see an eventual continuation to year four.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is to keep going no matter what. That is the WordPress Way.

He who collapses is food for vultures.

Your Blog Insults My Intelligence

I would like to welcome the new bloggers who are reading this post.  I’m sure you’re all excited to start writing and build a large and loyal audience.  The thousands of you starting today all believe that you have something special to offer the blogosphere: unique insights, original jokes, or perhaps an especially poetic way of writing that will win you the adoration of people across the world.

By now, you’ve probably noticed that your blog’s traffic statistics aren’t what you had hoped for.  Since you’re searching in vain for that magic bullet that will generate the awestruck readership you desperately feel you deserve, I’d like to share a very important secret from the blogging world:

Your blog sucks.

I’ve seen your jokes before and your personal stories have been told hundreds of times by people with superior storytelling skills and writerly competence.  Of course, your tales do contain one unique element: instead of choosing a fun name for your dog, you call him Fido.

I see little reason why anyone should want to read your work, unless of course they’re reciprocating for the visits you give them.  Is that what you dreamed of?  Cashing in (minus the cash) on other people’s sense of obligation?

The trophy is clip art from Power Point.  As you can see, I'm trying to be as vapid and unoriginal as you are.

The trophy is clip art from Power Point. As you can see, I’m trying to be as vapid and unoriginal as you are.

And then there are the unfortunate people who work for WordPress and other similar companies.  The only way they can stay in business is to convince gullible saps like you that your work has value and deserves the added oomph of paid upgrades and services.

Of course, you’ll quit within a few months… after buying a year-long upgrade.  For that, I thank you.  Like people who buy a gym membership who actually use it, I benefit from the reduced costs associated with using a service that many people pay for in advance and quickly give up on.

The less you write, the less bandwidth WordPress has to pay for.  That means I get more free goodies.

I would also like to remind you that today is April Fool’s Day.  You are a brilliant writer, just like everyone else who has a blog.  You should also know that the various blogging companies make no attempt to manipulate your blogging self-esteem and/or comfort in an attempt to maximize their profits.  They exist for your happiness.

With that in mind, I’d like to close with a song:

If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it
Then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop

Ice Insults My Intelligence

Yesterday I tried a bland, boring advertisement for my new blog.  (Click here to visit.)  The new blog showcases a side of myself you don’t often see on Bumblepuppies… namely the hardcore academic side.  Around here, you get the humor end of business and that’s probably what you’d hope for from the ever popular gratuitous advertisement from me.

So, I’m trying again.  This time, I’m taking a page from the future and from the past.

My new blog, The Blacklight Candelabra, will offer writing challenges and I’m composing this post in response to a writing challenge.   Since you can only hide a brain inside a zombie’s mouth (and I choose not to do that), you might call that my professional side to some extent.

But then again, I was Freshly Pressed this year for writing a musical parody.  This is closer to the person my oldest friends would recognize and it’s the person my regular readers are most familiar with.  I suppose it’s also what makes my arrogance endearing to everyone I meet.

With that in mind, I offer you a breathtaking musical rendition of quality marketing material for my new blog.

To the tune of:

Yo, Bumblepups, let’s kick it!

Blacklight baby
Blacklight baby
All right dogs
The candelabra’s up now
Pups is back with a gift for your diction
Ideas grab a hold of you weekly
Shoot like a harpoon quick and meekly
Will it ever stop?
Yo, I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I’ll rock your blog like a vandal
Light up the cage and free your brain, it’s no scandal.
Write!
Light up the candle and glow
I’m feedin’ your brain like philosopher Rousseau.
Deadly, when I write a cruel challenge ’cause
Anything fluffy and light does not move paws.
Love it or leave it
You better gain brains
You better hit bull’s eye
The pups don’t play
If there was a problem
Yo, I’ll solve it
Check out the blog while my big brain evolves it

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Now that the zombies are jumping
With the new year in and the brain cells are pumpin’
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I’m saving them brains like a golden kraken
Saving them if they’re so quick and nimble
I go crazy when I see you’re dismal.
And the bloggers with a souped up tempo
They’re on a roll and it’s time to plead nolo.
Buildin’ up your 4.0
With my kitchen here so your brains can grow
The zombies on standby
Waving just to say hi
Did they stop?
No, they all passed by
Kept on pursuing to another space
They busted a left and they’re heading to the next blog
That blog is dead.

Yo so I continued to Candel… hey! Blacklight Ave
Brains were smart answering all my topics
Zombies expelled, visiting the tropics,
Jealous ’cause I got all the brains
Play with a rage and attention is all mine
Ready for the pings on the back
The pings are acting swell because they’re full of great acts
Blog posts rang out like a bell
I grabbed all nine
The information gels.
Hopin’ for the pingbacks real fast
Logged in again, was not aghast
Topic to topic, the blog will be packed
I’m tryin’ to bring some friends before zombies attack
Zombies on the scene?
You know what I mean…
They’ll pass us up, and mesmerize all the dope fiends.
If there was a Zombie
Yo, I’ll kill it
Check out the blog while my big brain distills it

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Take heed, ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
The puppy’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My blog, that disposed of all the brain fog
Enough to shake and kick holes in a dog
‘Cause my blog is like a chemical spill
Feasible thoughts that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
We play through the days, slice the zombie, hell oh yeah!
Cut like a razor blade so fast
Other bloggers say, “damn”
If my blog was a drug
I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized as I write while I kick my juice
If there was a Zombie
Yo, I’ll kill it!
Check out the blog while my big brain does fill it.

Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the
Blacklight baby, Visit the

Yo man, let’s get over there.
Word from your teacher.

Blacklight baby
Too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool
Blacklight baby
Too cool too cool

 

The Blacklight Candelabra: Protecting Your Brains from Zombies in the Coming Year

Brainless Blog Posts Insult My Intelligence

Sometimes I get sick of wading through posts that show no evidence that a brain is or was present on its blog.  Brains are important.  (So is beauty.  Me saying that is how you can tell I’m probably not a zombie.)

I can do better.  Therefore, I’d like to show you something pretty today:

You deserve to look at something of this quality.

You deserve to look at something of this quality.

Look at the motion of the ocean.  Such beauty!  See the algae gyrating in the waves.  Notice the sunlight glistening off of the pristine water.

Oops!  I’m terribly sorry.  That’s not water.  It’s a recolored photo of raw pork brains.  You can see the original picture here.  And before you complain…

At least I kept my promise about not giving you a brainless post.

The Great Abracadabra Debate Insults My Intelligence

This picture has less to do with this post than you might think.  It came through on my Google search and I thought it was worth keeping.  Never let it be said that I don't try to expand your horizons.  (The original is in the public domain and is reprinted here.)

This picture has less to do with this post than you might think. It came through on my Google search and I thought it was worth keeping. Never let it be said that I don’t try to expand your horizons. (The original is in the public domain and is reprinted here.)

I, a supernatural blogger, am writing about magic today.  Stuff like this always turns out well for everyone involved.

You see, it was reportedly someone in my body who invented these wonderful blog posts.  The idea was supposedly to improve my post figure at the cost of your opportunity to read new content.  Because I am lazy.

And then, as can be readily observed, followers of my blog did not spend their time trying to convince me to stop using this same post format.  It’s less work-intensive than poems and the repetition can be difficult for readers to unmask.  That also shows how I’m inventive.

So I recycle posts because I’m lazy and I recycle posts because I’m inventive.  This fits a prominent definition of gibberish wherein the object of gibberish is viewed as conforming to a somethingorother whatever regardless of how it is written.

Seriously.  That’s a factual definition.  For instance, bloggers stereotypically avoid gibberish because it’s not readable.  And when they do go for it, it’s not readable.  And no action can break the cycle of incoherence because anything will be twisted around to fit “The Great __________bra Debate Insults My Intelligence.”

And with that in mind, the accusations of impropriety insult my intelligence.  There’s simply no way to behave towards blog readers that will not get me identified as somethingorother.  That’s not fair.

Even though I really am somethingorother.

Blogger’s note: I really have written four radically similar posts over the past month or so.  Here are the other three:

The Great Algebra Debate Insults My Intelligence
 
The Great Zebra Debate Insults My Intelligence
 
The Great Bra Debate Insults My Intelligence

Bras have been strewn all around here lately, and abracadabra gives you two for the price of one.

Oink!

Nudity Insults My Intelligence

You’ll be happy to know that I took a shower this morning.

That’s right, I’m writing a clean post.  I will not be talking about the body parts I washed and I will not be going into gruesome detail about shampoo.

Everything you need to know about shampoo is on the label.  Chemicals, chemicals, and more chemicals.

But that’s beside the point.

It never ceases to amaze me how many bloggers find a way to add gratuitous sexual vocabulary to their writing.   It supposedly attracts readers because people like nudity and sex and ice cream.

I suppose that’s good for the continuation of mankind.

I also suppose that people lack intelligence.  In their search for naked people, these idiots will click on a link called “Nudity Insults My Intelligence” and expect to see some titillating imagery.

I suppose I shouldn’t disappoint them:

Here's one for the ladies.  (Photo credit: Zevnen)

Here’s some eye candy for the ladies. (Photo credit: Zevnen)

Does Freshly Pressed Still Insult My Intelligence?

As most of you already know, Cats Insult My Intelligence was selected for Freshly Pressed on Friday.  I’ve been blogging here for over a year and I’ve heard the moans and wails of downtrodden bloggers desperately wanting to be featured there.  I’ve seen a “Never Been Freshly Pressed” club spring up among those whose lives had been destroyed by not being picked.  I’ve seen lots of people claim that their posts outshine the ones that were selected.

Unlike me, a lot of those people are full of crap.

I’ve seen bloggers dream of being picked because they believe it will launch their blog to new heights.  And then I’ve seen people become clinically depressed when the jump in visitor stats proves to be short-lived.  And then they take their ball and go home and complain to mommy that the mean people are being big bad meanies.

But what is the experience like?  It’s overrated in some respects but beneficial in others.  Let me explain:

1- If you had put all of my  blog posts in front of me and asked me which one would land on Freshly Pressed, I probably would have guessed correctly.  However, I wouldn’t have based that choice on post quality.  The cat post was cute and fun and, of all my posts, clearly the one that would most likely appeal to a broad audience. Kind of like Garfield.  Garfield’s no Dostoyevsky but people line up to read Garfield.

And have you ever heard of someone wanting a Dostoyevsky birthday cake?  (I think that sounds kind of cool, actually.)

I predicted last summer that I would never be chosen for Freshly Pressed because my usual brand of intellectually-infused humor has never struck me as suitable for McDonald’s-like mass consumption.  However, as it turns out, cats were perfect for McDonald’s.

2- My spike in stats did not break a record for daily views.  It probably didn’t break into the top three.  Here’s what my daily views look like for the past month or so:

My date of freshly pressing is in orange and the current day is so low because I took the screenshot before 9 AM.

Don’t be an idiot.  My date of freshly pressing is in orange and the current day is so low because I took the screenshot before 9 AM.  Premature conclusions are unnecessary.

Spike?  Yes, and sustained over a couple of days.  But it’s nothing earth-shattering.  I get more spikes around here than a teenager who loves his hair gel.  You can tell this more clearly by looking at my weekly stats:

Again, the current week is so low because this screenshot was taken on Tuesday morning.  And yes I know that the numbers on the graph are missing.  I did that on purpose because I like to be obnoxious.

Again, the current week is so low because this screenshot was taken on Tuesday morning. And yes I know that the numbers on the graph are missing. I did that on purpose because I like to be obnoxious.

So what do we conclude from this?  Not much.  I just like math.

Anyway…

3- It’s too early to know whether the stats boost will fall off.  As you can see from those graphs, my stats haven’t been significantly higher than normal.  However, I seem to have gained more than 100 followers as a direct result of being Freshly Pressed.  A sustained increase in traffic, if only a small one, is therefore expected.

However, I may consider feeling guilty for a while because I can’t check out the blogs of my 100+ new followers so quickly…

4- The Freshly Pressed badge is nice.  It’s a perfect aesthetic match for my blog.  Also, since virtually no blogging awards exist that aren’t determined by popular vote, it’s as close to an official certification of quality as I can get.

Even if the Freshly Pressed posts aren’t always wonderful…

5- I’m glad my blog wasn’t Freshly Pressed when it was young.  New followers will bring fresh perspectives to the discussions around here, but my old followers are still the definite majority.  That means I’m not tempted to change.  As my long-time followers already know, I write this blog for me.  The content can swing wildly at times and I’m sure most of my readers have been less than happy with the opinions they’ve encountered here at one point or another.

What do you expect from a blog about “things that insult my intelligence?”

I don’t worry when I lose a couple of followers after a particularly controversial post.  And despite my brief travels into mass distribution, this blog remains a small independent undertaking.

Giftless Anniversaries Insult My Intelligence

Here we are, the one-year anniversary of Bumblepuppies.  That means it’s time for you to give me presents.  Big expensive presents.

And you'd better give me a wad of cash or a job to go along with this because I can't afford so much gas.  (Photo credit: M 93)

And you’d better give me a wad of cash or a job to go along with this because I can’t afford so much gas. (Photo credit: M 93)

I also have a present for you.  Of course, it doesn’t cost anything because I’m a little low on dough these days.  Nevertheless, I think you’ll like it.

Blogging advice.

To celebrate my anniversary, I would like to present a new ten commandments for blogging.  But fear not… I will not prohibit you from taking the name of Bumblepuppies in vain, for such references still count as free advertising for this blog.  However, I do ask that you not worship any other blogs besides mine.  (“Thou shalt not steal my content” seemed too obvious…)

1- Thou shalt not obsess over how low thy stats are today.  One of my posts reached 500 views recently even though it only netted 9 the week I originally released it.  You never know what people will rediscover from your archives.

2- Thou shalt not rely on shortcuts to obtain thy almighty traffic.  My #1 post was just a regular post.  I did not advertise it in any way beyond my social media feeds.  It was not written just to get a top slot on a Weekly Challenge pingback list.  I did not use illegitimate SEO tricks.  And there was no explicit sexual vocabulary.  Instead, I watch as it steadily lures people who actually want to read a post on that topic:

These are daily stats for my #1 post.  Hopefully, some visitors stick around for more. After all, they’re not the ones who wanted to find “huge wide hips” or “big boobs wide hips” or any other variation on the theme.  The folks who search for that are probably disappointed when they read the post they are surely directed to.

3- Blogging is a hobby.  Thou shalt not treat it as thy job unless it really is thy job.  It is not fun to advertise posts beyond your regular social media feeds.  It is not fun to write things just to get a high-traffic slot on a pingback list.  It is not fun to sit around and create SEO manipulators.  It is not fun to deal with the idiots who find your blog by searching for “big breasted librarians.”  However, if you happen to be a big-breasted librarian, I’d like to meet you.

4- If you inadvertently (or not so inadvertently) crop a picture to make a WordPress staffer’s husband look dead, thou shalt blame Art.  He likes the attention.  Thou shalt also kindly link to thy #1 commenter in thy anniversary post.

5- Thou shalt not dream of becoming Freshly Pressed.  An early follower of mine landed there in his second week of blogging but the blog didn’t last much longer.  A lot of people seem to get depressed when their traffic statistics soon return to normal and they throw themselves in front of a bus.  (Figuratively, I hope.)

6- Thou shalt not be long winded.  I have a Ph.D. and I can handle mass volumes of text.  If I think your work is too long, it’s too long.  Let’s not belabor the issue.

7- Thou shalt not spend excessive amounts of time on individual posts.  The post I spent the most time on netted little reaction.  Your muse should inspire you, not bloviate.

8- Thou shalt not always agree with the WordPress staff, for they are not defenseless children and they have a sense of humor if you play nice-ish.  I had an interesting debate with the lovely and talented Krista early on about a weekly challenge topic;  I ended up lampooning the challenge with a post.   No challenge participants got Freshly Pressed that week but I did receive my first like from Krista on that one.  (And yes, that post revisited the one I mentioned in #7… so all that work wasn’t useless after all.)

9- Honor thy mother and thy father and anyone else who can make your offline life miserable.  Therefore, it may be in your best interest to honor the glorious and morally superior NSA.

10- Thou shalt pace thyself.  I did 7-8 posts per week for my first few months… and going high volume early on is often recommended.  However, other commitments crept in and I ended up doing 3-4 posts per month for the next 3 months.  Eventually, I settled back into a comfortable schedule of 3-4 per week.  For a more extreme example, I follow a very talented idiot blogger who did 5 per day for several months before taking an extended break.  The point is, you don’t have to release your posts as soon as you finish them.  Save them for a rainy day.

Bonus Commandment (because we don’t go strictly by the Bible around here) – Thou shalt provide free advertising for Bumblepuppies as often as possible.  Go visit my newly updated Greatest Hits page and share a few of the entries with your friends.  Do unto me as you would have others do unto you.  Then do unto me again and again and again.

That’s all the advice I have for you today.  Thank you all for your continued presence here.  I didn’t expect to have so many great people so soon.  Emphasis is on “so soon” because I expected to attract a following.  Not having a broad and engaged audience would insult my intelligence…

mapyear1

The countries that have given Bumblepuppies at least 100 views are the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, India, Australia, South Africa, Germany, Philippines, France, Switzerland, Indonesia, and Sweden.  Do your patriotic duty and help get your country on this list.

PS: WordPress thinks my anniversary is the 29th because that’s the date I created this blog account.  That’s kind of like celebrating your wedding anniversary on the date you proposed to your wife instead of when you said “I do.”  My first post is dated May 31 and I fully intend to honor commandment #8.

 

Schedules Insult My Intelligence

Quoth the sloth: sleep some more.  (Photo credit: Hunterwisson)

Quoth the sloth: sleep some more. (Photo credit: Hunterwisson)

Today is Wednesday.  I always post on Wednesday.  It’s my schedule.

I don’t feel like writing anything today.  But today is Wednesday.  I have to write something.

No I don’t.  I’m the boss.

Pass the donuts.

But I should write something.  My readers expect something.  My fingers expect exercise.

I don’t want fat fingers.  I want muscular fingers.

But I am tired.  I want to take a nap.  Sleep is good.

But it is Wednesday afternoon.  Sleep is for nights.  And I have to write.

Why do we say “write?”  I’m not writing.  I’m typing.

type type type type type type type

I must type because today is Wednesday.  Wednesday is typing day.  Wednesday is also “hump day.”

hump hump hump hump hump hump hump

Oh great.  Now I’ll never get anything done.  Maybe I can change.

I am a sloth.  I want to become two parts camel.

Slothdom eats.  Slothdom sleeps.  Slothdom humps.

Slothdom is beautiful.  Slothdom is incomplete.

Cameldom would carry me through the desert of parched ideas to the promised land of a finished piece of typistry.

And then I could still eat, sleep, and hump.

Undiscovered Easter Eggs Insult My Intelligence

We have experienced a momentous week here.  First we had The Day All Peeps Will Die.  Then I overhauled this blog.  And now a milestone: this is post #200.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m sending you all on an Easter egg hunt… with a twist.  You may not have noticed, but I like to hide quotes and references in my posts on occasion.  Sometimes people caught them.  Sometimes not.

So here’s the game.  I’ll name the references and you search my blog for these undiscovered Easter eggs.  The first person to enter a comment identifying the locations of all five references will win a most excellent prize.  (You only have to name the posts; you don’t have to quote the references.)

I will not respond to entries that don’t provide a guess for all five references.  It’s all or nothing.

Find them before they start attracting rodents.  (Photo credit: Donar Reiskoffer)

Find them before they start attracting snakes. (Photo credit: Donar Reiskoffer)

 

By the way,  I’ve got a food theme going on for the landmark posts.  At 100 I gave you tripe and for 200 I’m giving you Easter eggs.  By the time I reach 400, you’ll have a full Chopped basket and I’ll ask you to prepare a dish using all four ingredients.

Anyway…

Let’s begin our game.  Go back through my posts and find where I put the following:

1- A reference to a Doris Lessing novel.

2- A quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson

3- Lyrics by Nine Inch Nails

4- Lyrics by Blue Oyster Cult

5- A reference to Miley Cyrus in a post that wasn’t about her

 

Good luck

(And don’t you have anything better to do?)

I’d rather not have to give away a prize

Negativity Insults My Intelligence

I’d like to take a moment to express my undying love for my readers and for everyone out there who does not read this blog.  I love all of you and I love the kittens and the salamanders and the entire animal kingdom.  Of course, I love trees and I love knees and I love fees.  Yes, I love fees.  I love parking fees and I love shipping fees and I love processing fees and I love mystery fees that show up on my lovely receipts when I go shopping at stores, all of which I love too.  Even Wal-Mart.

I started this blog to bring more positivity into the world because everything in the world is beautiful.  And everyone is good.  We must have our human interest stories and our constant praise of everything and everyone so as not to shatter anyone’s artificially inflated ego.  When responding to things other people have done, I always remain mindful of this psychological feather cloud.  Everyone deserves to be told how perfect they are, constantly and consistently, and they deserve to hear those words expressed honestly every time.

Love must happen 24 hours a day, every day, until we gloriously ascend beyond this life.  We must make sure this happens.  We must actively eliminate all those who practice constructive criticism and anything else that makes people feel bad.  No criticism is constructive, but I love the criticizers anyway.  We should reeducate them so that they may become better adapted to society’s needs.

I intend for love to blossom here every time I post something new.  Love inspired my initial forays into writing and it continues to do so. My heart rejoiced at the opportunity to convert the masses to the ways of love and I overflow with delight every time I imagine someone’s life becoming more beautiful because of my writing.

As a token of these warm feelings, I wish to share a joyous song that will fill your heart with happiness and nostalgia, reminding you how writing elevates the soul.  Please be sure to reflect on the song’s deeper meaning so that you may be fully uplifted.