Your Blog Insults My Intelligence

I would like to welcome the new bloggers who are reading this post. I’m sure you’re all excited to start writing and build a large and loyal audience. The thousands of you starting today all believe that you have something special to offer the blogosphere: unique insights, original jokes, or perhaps an especially poetic way of writing that will win you the adoration of people across the world.

By now, you’ve probably noticed that your blog’s traffic statistics aren’t what you had hoped for. Since you’re searching in vain for that magic bullet that will generate the awestruck readership you desperately feel you deserve, I’d like to share a very important secret from the blogging world:

Your blog sucks.

I’ve seen your jokes before and your personal stories have been told hundreds of times by people with superior storytelling skills and writerly competence. Of course, your tales do contain one unique element: instead of choosing a fun name for your dog, you call him Fido.

I see little reason why anyone should want to read your work, unless of course they’re reciprocating for the visits you give them. Is that what you dreamed of? Cashing in (minus the cash) on other people’s sense of obligation?

The trophy is clip art from Power Point. As you can see, I’m trying to be as vapid and unoriginal as you are.

And then there are the unfortunate people who work for WordPress and other similar companies. The only way they can stay in business is to convince gullible saps like you that your work has value and deserves the added oomph of paid upgrades and services.

Of course, you’ll quit within a few months… after buying a year-long upgrade. For that, I thank you. Like people who buy a gym membership who actually use it, I benefit from the reduced costs associated with using a service that many people pay for in advance and quickly give up on.

The less you write, the less bandwidth WordPress has to pay for. That means I get more free goodies.

I would also like to remind you that today is April Fool’s Day. You are a brilliant writer, just like everyone else who has a blog. You should also know that the various blogging companies make no attempt to manipulate your blogging self-esteem and/or comfort in an attempt to maximize their profits. They exist for your happiness.

With that in mind, I’d like to close with a song:

If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop
If you’re happy and you know it
Then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, beep beep boop