Christmas should be every day, sort of. (Photo credit: Mount Pleasant Granary)
I came home last night to find a festive bundle of decaying holiday joy shining through the window of my neighbor’s house.
Too many punchlines come to mind.
Because of this, I would like to wish everyone a Merry March Madness and present a list of the top ten reasons you finally need to get rid of that Christmas tree:
10- Unlike the lovely holiday sweaters you received, you can’t regift the tree without investing a lot of time and money into the effort.
9- If you wanted to arrange dried pieces of firewood so that they could achieve inferno status in minimum time, you couldn’t do much better than to build a Christmas tree shape. And by the way, the warranty on those lights you bought in December has expired.
8- In December, you said “we shouldn’t let secular distractions infringe on a religious holiday.” Now that Easter is coming, I’d like to return the favor. We’re all going to notice your tree and not your religious exhortations. (On the other hand, maybe the tree can last a few weeks longer…)
7- The electricity company’s Christmas special is no longer running.
6- Unlike the frankenturkey, your tree cannot be revived.
5- What fun is a Christmas tree if it no longer has needles for you to clean off of the floor?
4- That’s not penicillin growing at the base and your dog will get sick if he decides it’s tasty.
3- You could shove the top of that tree up an angel’s underside because the angel isn’t real. Your pet rabbit is getting worried that you’ll try to change the tree’s theme for Easter. Expect a revolt.
2- That is a tree, not a bush. If you wish to display political advertisements for Jeb, this is one of the few methods that makes you look less intelligent than the Tea Partiers. At least the Tea Partiers recycled their trees.
1- No one is bringing you any gifts. Get over it.
And for this very reason, we don’t get live trees. Those fake ones look just as merry at Easter as they did on Chanukah … and every bit as appropriate.
But plastic is bad for the environment! Killing trees is a much better idea.
Yes, so I’ve heard. Thing is, I hate watching trees die with the holidays. Even more I hate the 8 million pine needles left behind as a reminder of Christmas past. I have made a pact with the devil. Fake forever!
We used to get trees with roots and then plant them outside after Christmas. They have grown really tall by now…. 🙂
Wow? Tree still up in March??!! My tree began to smell of putrid urine around the 28th of December!
I guess some people find that aroma stimulating… or something like that.
Probably the same people who think their toilet is a blueberry cobbler depository.
Maybe they just got confused and thought it was a house plant…
I tried that. But winter didn’t cooperate and go away on time, so now I have three dead little trees in my dining room. Great idea. Pity it didn’t work out.
Well I am the guy who said we should all be nice to each other and give gifts and hang colorful lights and throw parties and sing songs and wear crazy sweaters for 11 months out of the year, and then just be jerks for one month in December to blow off steam, but my reverse Christmas idea did not take into account the life span of decapitated pine trees.
We can be nice to each other anyhow, right? It’s still okay, isn’t it? Even with all the dead trees. In pots and not in pots. I think I’m going back to plastic next year. The three dead baby pine trees are too depressing.
we can be nice, but I was trying to institutionalize it… while simultaneously making fun of us for having a season where we are extra nice whether we want to be or not.
I know. Sarcasm doesn’t show. We need that font.
I did a post where I invented a sarcasm sign… but it turned out that it was part of a coding language and made all the words between the symbol vanish…
They are kind of dumb…
it goes without saying
Actually, a needles-less Christmas tree is useful to hang stuff on it to dry. In fact, I am using my own Christmas tree this way right now.
And a near branch-less tree trunk does look kind of cool.
I know a guy who can carve tree trunks. Hmmm…
8 little candles on a base – – and except for waxy build-up . . . so convenient.
I’ll take a super-sized one so I can receive 8 days of large presents.
If your neighbour is expecting an Easter gift, buy him a calendar.
Buy? What is this “buy” business of which you speak? That costs a lot of money.
I can print one from online for the cost of a candy bar.
With a few cents’ investment, you can make him realize that Christmas has long passed, and make your neighborhood a little less tacky.
You mean some matches?
Merry Marchness to you.
And to you too. May your brackets be pristine.
I am printing your post and sending it to a former New York neighbor. Thank you.
You’re welcome. 🙂