Matt Mullenweg’s Penis Insults My Intelligence

Anyone who blogs on WordPress or knows people who blog on WordPress or lives within earshot of people who blog on WordPress probably heard the furor about all the changes that were recently made to the notorious blogging platform.  I’m more okay with the changes than a lot of people are.  In fact, I’d like to write Matt Mullenweg (the head CEO guy) a thank you note.

This guy is the object of everyone's love as of late.  (Photo credit: Ronny Siegel)

This guy is the object of everyone’s love as of late. (Photo credit: Ronny Siegel)

Dear Mr. Mullenweg,

Thank you for the numerous upgrades to WordPress.  As a Ph.D., I can cheerfully inform you that your actions have provided important psychological insights into the internet age.  We can now conclude with 98% certainty that the length of a scroll bar is inversely proportional to the size of its developer’s penis.  Furthermore, we would also like to thank you for not incorporating a photo of said penis into the new design… even though “beep beep boop” sounds vaguely like robot sex.

If you’re into robot sex, we don’t need to know.

We, the bloggers at WordPress, appreciate your efforts to maintain a wholesome family atmosphere on this blogging platform.  We understand that the new design involved a lot of work and a lot of missed opportunities for coitus.  You could improve your sex life and the sex lives of your employees by ignoring the mountain of corrections needed on the new interface and reverting everything to the old layout.  The majority of WordPress bloggers would not riot because we wouldn’t feel stiffed.

Nevertheless, we kindly request that you purchase an expensive car the next time you feel the need to compensate for those areas where you fall short.


I’ll close this post with an explanation to my regular readers.  Even though penis jokes aren’t usually my thing, I find that criticism is best leveled in the absence of unfounded accusations.  Rather, we ought to make a concerted effort to understand the psyche of the people to whom we address our grievances.


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