The Ten Commandments Insult My Intelligence in Bed

We all know the childish little game that goes along with every fortune cookie.

Sometimes the game works correctly.  (Photo credit: The DeliciousLife)

Sometimes the game works correctly. (Photo credit: TheDeliciousLife)

For those of you who need a reminder, some people like to add “in bed” to the end of their fortunes.

And so…

Since many of my readers would like to feel a little younger, I have decided to behave like a child today.  Like a child who’s going to Hell.

I think I’ll play the bed game a little differently and see what we get.

1- I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not have strange gods before me in bed.

This God person is obviously energetic if he can service so many people without having them worn down first by other partners.  Either that or the population will start dwindling rather quickly.

2- Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain in bed.

Kind of like Santa Claus, he sees you when you’re sleeping AND when you’re sleeping with somebody.  Doesn’t he have better ways to spend his time?

3- Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day in bed.

Finally!  An excuse to not mow the lawn…

4- Honor thy Father and Mother in bed.

Um, gross.

5- Thou shalt not kill in bed.

Catholic Church: please take note.  The Bible says we should use condoms.

6- Thou shalt not commit adultery in bed.

Instead, thou shalt commit adultery on the kitchen table, in the bathtub, or under the car.

7- Thou shalt not steal in bed.

A commandment to benefit the wealthy hotel owners.  This prevents the theft of their precious pillows and teaches us that we must honor the primacy of corporate needs.

8- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor in bed.

Everyone loves to gossip while they’re sleeping or performing adult activities, right?  And people love it even more when their partner starts spouting off about someone else.

9- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife in bed.

Since you can’t commit adultery in bed, it kind of makes sense that you should covet her in a place where you can actually do something about your feelings.

This also looks like a good place to interpret the Bible literally for political purposes.  This commandment forbids sexual interest in certain women and the First Commandment prohibits sexual activity with certain men.  (The commandment says nothing about strange goddesses.)  It seems unlikely that one commandment would be addressed to women and another to men, so I can only assume that these two commandments constitute a Biblical justification for bisexuality.

10- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods in bed.

What kind of “goods” is meant here?  This might be a call for guys with smaller “goods” to feel more confident.  I’m impressed that this commandment was stated so diplomatically.

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17 thoughts on “The Ten Commandments Insult My Intelligence in Bed

  1. Next week, same premise… but we do all of human history…
    Man invents fire if bed
    The Egyptians build the pyramids in bed
    Hitler invades Czechoslovakia in bed
    Man goes to the moon in bed

  2. Oh, now I want to be in bed coveting or committing adultery under the car 🙂 Unfortunately, it’s Saturday night in Berlin and there’s drinking to be done 🙂

  3. 1. Spoiler Alert: the Holy Spirit is in your right hand.
    2. God is pretty much the ONLY name you are allowed to call out in bed other than your partner’s.
    3. Based on this criteria, every day is holy for me until 8 AM.
    4. Therapy and liquor, not necessarily in that order.
    5. Raw food vegans are gonna have a hard time snackin’ while watching movies in bed.
    6. Doesn’t say WHO’S bed, now does it? Technicalities, thy name is holy.
    7. (Reference to taking someone’s virginity edited out.)
    8. Not a good time to discuss the dimensions of neighborhood genitalia. Husband may catch on.
    9. See #8.
    10. 8 through 10 should really just be condensed and resubmitted.

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