Kindness Insults My Intelligence

Don't worry.  All those messages aren't you.  My mom called once last night.  (Photo credit: Dave Chamberlain)

Don’t worry. All those messages aren’t you. My mom called once last night. (Photo credit: Dave Chamberlain)

Thank you for your kind telephone call. Because the ringing started promptly at 6:30, I did not have to listen to my annoying family members during dinner.

Thank you for kindly not hanging up on our machine. We use it to weed out the undesirable callers but you demonstrated your friendliness by persisting.

Thank you for kindly leaving a message after the beep. We appreciate you taking the time from your busy schedule to inform us that we may qualify for lower interest rates on our credit cards.

Thank you for kindly repeating your message multiple times even though no one is on the line with you. It brings back the nostalgia of a scratched vinyl record. It also reminds me of political campaigns, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber.

Thank you for kindly using an automated message instead of a live human. Listening to a machine is less painful than hearing a man writhe in agony as he desperately seeks a lifeline.

Thank you for kindly calling back fifteen minutes later to make sure we received the original message. We had forgotten to check and we plan to forget again.

Thank you for kindly calling a third time so that we could finish our dinner with the same melodic ringing we started with.Β  You obviously understood that we were forgetting the second message as well.

And last, but certainly not least…

Thank you for kindly not suing us for picking up the phone and asking your robocaller if she dreams of performing [grown-up activity] with R2D2 and C3PO. Harassment is a serious matter and I trust that you would never stand for the mistreatment of any living or robotic entity.

28 thoughts on “Kindness Insults My Intelligence

  1. I’ve become a master of scaring off unsolicited phone calls. Here in Germany, it’s mostly still real people on the phone and I am so downright unfriendly right from the start (we Germans are good at that), they usually never call again.

  2. I cannot imagine thanking telemarketers for anything, except maybe having a robot call me so I can hang up the phone without feeling I was rude.

    Someone gave me a great idea for getting rid of them the other day. Just tell them you’re on your way to a meeting with a debt counsellor.

  3. Love this!!! When my kids were little, I would Gleefully announce the telemarketer had called just in time for our family story hour…and begin reading to them….”goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight bowl full of mush, goodnight annoying telemarketer….” Then hang up.

  4. In the UK it would be a mistake saying you are talking to a debt counsellor. You would then be inundated by calls from pay day loan companies with loans at 5000%.

    • Interesting point. In the US, I believe those calls start coming in when they review the counselor’s record, or something like that. I remember hearing that there’s a trigger somewhere in the system.

  5. What ever happened with the Do Not Call list? Does that still exist? Or does this comment belong on your Relic Insults Your Intelligence post?

  6. Pingback: Bessa Can’t Dance | litadoolan

  7. Pingback: We’ll Ride Together, Australia | Ramisa the Authoress

Comments are closed.