Cats Insult My Intelligence

I’m going to get in so much trouble for this, but here it goes anyway.

To the tune of “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon:

A man walks down the street
He says, Why am I soft in the middle now?
Why am I soft in the middle?
Defendin’ my home is so hard.
I need a guard cat with sharpened claws.
I want a shot at some safety.
Don’t want to end up a young guy
In an young guy graveyard.
Cute felines, cute felines,
Cats in the moonlight
Come upon my well-lit door.
Abyssinian, ‘ssinian
Get this cat in here with me
You know I don’t find this crime
Amusing anymore.

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

A man walks to the fridge
He says, Why am I short of some chicken?
Cat wants a little can of some chicken
And now my nights are so long.
Where’s my fish and milk carton?
What if she starves here?
Who’ll be my protector
Soon as my protector is
Gone, gone?
She’ll duck back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bobtail guy.
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents.
There were hints and allegations.

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

A man sits on his couch
In his house on a bad road.
Maybe it’s a bur-guh-lar.
Maybe it’s the cat’s first defense.
She doesn’t care to engage,
No cares in the world.
She is a lazy cat.
She is surrounded by the spoils, the spoils:
Burgers from the marketplace
Litter box and lots of cool toys.
She looks around, around.
She sees gunfire in the living room now.
Purring in infinity
She says, “Hey man, now bring me tuna!”

“If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can fill your dinner bowl.
I can call you Betty
And Betty, when you call me,
You can call Meow.”

88 thoughts on “Cats Insult My Intelligence

  1. “you can call meow” ❤ (In fairness to cats, I had a Siamese cat who liked to lurk on top of the fridge. Back in grad-school days, one bedroom apt. One night my first X came home. He was in school in another city and state. He was violent and jealous. He picked up the Yellow Pages to throw them at me. Naggy (the cat) Jumped off the fridge and dug all four feet into his back. Now she could call me-ow.)

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  5. While this is great, I am stuck with the penny whistle solo in my head now. 🙂

    Congrats on the FP!

  6. First time I’ve been on fresh press and honestly, your title caught my attention. I have a cat that is my bodyguard. She may not bark loudly, in fact only one person other than myself knows that she barks. But that is of no consequence here. Interesting. Not what I was expecting!!

      • I’ve seen some of those too! In fact, one cat that I had to get fostered, by the time he earned his English name I was calling him Garfield Get-in-Ski. À gift from ons my former neighbor’s girlfriends, it took me four years to get him fostered and I am still contending with the damage.

  7. Had to come here to congratulate you properly! Clearly you should “do cute” more often. But seriously….. How in the heck did you come up with “Call Meow?!!!!?” I cannot emphasize how clever that wordplay is!!

  8. this was a riot! I have three cats and at the sound of any noise, two of them disappear instantly. The third grooms, stretches and walks away slowly……back to his bed. Freshly Pressed, indeed. Congratulations. This was such a fun read.

  9. Congrats on finally being Freshly Pressed. Guess that means I’ll have to stop following you now, cause of, you know, insane jealousy and all that.

    • Thanks, but no need to stop following. Just remember one thing: I was FP’ed on your anniversary. If you start getting all insanely jealous on that day, your wife may not exactly approve…

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  12. “You can call Meow” is inspired. Other than the title, however, I see no indication that you prefer canines to felines. Most smitten cat owners would readily admit all of the above about their own kitties without losing a hint of devotion. We are highly evolved pet owners who appreciate the scratchy cat world over the slobbery dog one.

    Besides, after being bitten/mauled seven times by dogs since birth, it’s been difficult not to form an opinion about them. The worst cats have ever done me is an itchy temporary tattoo and that was the current neighbor’s bipolar ass-cat. Pets resemble their owners, after all.

    For more information:

    • Thanks.

      I actually have done posts that included puppies but you’re right in that there’s little way to compare my preferences. The blog title was not inspired by anything of the canine persuasion…

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