I remember when it was fun to chat about other people’s lives. Now, I’ve lost my tolerance for drama. And so today I would like to direct a few random thoughts at various people who have no clue I’m the one writing this:
I do not want to be set up with your oldest friend. I do not want to explain the reason again, mostly because it’s something I’ve been saying to deaf ears for years and years. Your friend is not green eggs and ham.
If you leave your underwear on the couch when you’re expecting visitors, people will see it. The time to freak out about that was before I arrived.
If I haven’t been able to get a word in edgewise within the past 15 minutes, please assume that I haven’t been paying attention to you for at least the past 12, or 10 if I’m having a good day. If you’ve been narrating your progress on dishwashing over the phone, you’ll need to wake me from my nap when you’re done.
I do not care if your significant other is unsatisfied with your lovemaking abilities. As far as I’m concerned, you’re both still virgins. Those children are aberrations. And that’s aberrations, not abominations or abhorrations. Buy a dictionary.
Thank you for your outdated and/or painfully obvious job search advice. Unlike you, I’ve been reading up on the topic and consulting experts on how to proceed. As far as I can tell, there’s no reason other than your ego that I should listen to you. If there is a reason, please provide it in a calm and rational manner.
Do not say “I can picture him hitting his wife/children” unless there is a legitimate reason to believe he is doing so. And if there is a legitimate reason, I’m not the person you should be sharing that information with. Look for the folks with a big shiny badge. They’ll be nice, I promise.