Absentee Fig Leaves Insult My Intelligence

Once upon a time, a young man named Adam shared a garden with his wife Eve and a devious little critter named Mister Happysnake. The not-so-happy couple had, much to their regret, recently discovered an abiding love of apples and had subsequently found that some parts of their paradise were at risk of frostbite. Mister Happysnake, in particular, was not amused. The frigid winds caused him to shrivel up in fear until he no longer resembled that evil serpent who had visited such harm on him.

“Please protect me,” cried Mister Happysnake. “It’s so cold I can’t even release my tears.”

Eve heard her friend’s cries and begged Adam to find some sort of solution growing from the ground. Adam hesitated, remembering the last time he had listened to his wife when she was under the influence of lizards. But he relented and soon discovered a most excellent fig leaf.

Appreciating nature is a lost art. (Photo credit: London Permaculture)

Unlike the apple, the fig leaf was a gift sent from heaven. It remained magically affixed to the much grateful Mister Happysnake and it formed an airtight shield.

But one day the serpent returned and told Eve, “Lady, you gotta try this new cotton plant. Just pull it out of the ground, roll it up, weave it just like this, and you’ve got something that will make Mister Happysnake even warmer.”

Eve did as the serpent said, for the Big Man hadn’t prohibited the use of this plant. Unfortunately, she lacked the artistic skill necessary to make a properly warm article of clothing. It didn’t matter, though. Adam took pride in his wife’s handiwork and the couple started teaming up to create more and more holey items, for the Big Man had encouraged holeyness and they didn’t want to divert from his wishes again.

And soon their lives revolved around manufacturing these useless items and then convincing the nearby sheep and alpacas that a cotton sweater was exactly what they needed to make their lives complete.

God bless progress.

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