Coherence Insults My Intelligence

Blah.

Time travel you say?   Who wants to revisit the bubonic plague, trench warfare, or the Gulags?  No one, of course.  If you’re going to make time travel sexy, you have to offer sexy destinations like Shakespeare’s England or postclassical Mayan civilization.  Unfortunately, relatively few people can fit in the Globe theater or Chichen Itza.  You’ll find too many time tourists and that can ruin your experience there.  Besides, neither of those high periods had particularly good medicine, so you’re likely to catch something small yet fatal among all those visitors.

So let’s do an off-the-beaten path destination: mid-1910’s Europe.  If you didn’t sleep through your history lessons, you may remember trench warfare being all the rage at that time.  However, this blog doesn’t concern itself much with holding to the latest fashions from today or yesteryear, so we won’t focus on the glamor of war.

Instead, we’re visiting that period to learn about Dada so we can bring back some rhetorical insights for today’s world.  Just imagine the possible applications…

Let’s start with political debates:

Hillary Clinton: jar recede squash vermillion ratatouille flan go waft swan carcinogen hoopla.

Joe Biden: No!  hark pert persimmon quid pro quo kung fu, suture pantaloon.

Hillary Clinton: Fanta zamboni, ham circadian!

Wouldn’t that be more informative than what we typically get?

And then just try to imagine the improvements Microsoft could make to the instructions for its operating systems:

Windows 8.0 halalas blagh cortoros, monog gonog fogog.  Halooka sa yau twagala ra, massootookulu vam.  Horsala maklava zo yeash ta eaglet wampus system error.

I bet you understood more of that than the typical technical instructions.

By now, you’re probably objecting to this post; after all, Dada was an art form and I’ve been suggesting its use for more practical applications.  So let’s get artistic, and I don’t mean this gem from over thirty years ago:

The Talking Heads are dead for all intents and purposes, so we need a contemporary artist who captures today’s soul to join our time travels so that he may recapture the lost magic of Dada.  I suggest Justin Bieber… loaded up on Xanax, of course.  Imagine his next song once we return from the past:

Shi huanga blanga boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

Yeah, he’s gonna party like it’s 1918 but with lyrics that will stimulate the public’s intellects more than his existing offerings.    And after that success, he’ll be crying “let’s do the time warp again” before you know it… at which point we should just lock him up in a Transylvanian castle without a video camera.

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23 thoughts on “Coherence Insults My Intelligence

  1. This is the first post I read from my reader this morning and it has set the bar far too high for future hysterics. The best kind, as in laughter. LOVED the slant you took on the prompt. And by slant, I don’t mean you’re off kilter, just creatively crooked. More posts along these lines, please! This is your humor niche.

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