Valentine’s Day Can’t Insult My Intelligence if There’s Snow

Mother Nature has bewitched us this year.  Her winter storms have been transforming birds into feathery icicles and freeing the sky from bees.  However, her frosty prestidigitations will be enabling the birds and bees on Valentine’s Day.

This image has been modified from the original at http://www.laceyoem.org/winter-storm-warning-has-been-posted-for-our-area/

This image has been modified from the original at http://www.laceyoem.org/winter-storm-warning-has-been-posted-for-our-area/

Most years, Valentine’s Day insults my intelligence.  Women usually want a romantic gift or a vacuum cleaner and I’m no good at picking out either of those.  Fortunately, Mother Nature has eliminated such difficulty from my life this year.

I live in the South.  One inch of snow closes everything down for days, leaving death and distress on highways and anywhere else people dare to travel.  That includes the little side road I live on, which means I can’t drive to fetch roses, candy, or the usual holiday scams.  And delivery people won’t be able to get them to me, unless stuff is sent through the post office.

If the post office can’t handle delivering a book without smashing it up like a piece of glass, those flowers stand no chance unless they’re headed for my salad instead of the vase.

And the horrors keep piling up.  Guys like me love spending time in stores like Victoria’s Secret because we look less creepy when we’re surrounded by women’s undergarments.  If the roads are covered in ice, I guess we’ll just have to buy something leathery or lacy online.

I hope the post office has not yet figured out a way to destroy lingerie, but I’m not holding my breath.

Buying lingerie for a woman has never been less risky because one can’t actually see how big something is until it arrives.  If it’s too big, we can’t possibly think she’s that fat because we bought the same size as what’s in her underwear drawer.  If it’s too small, we can use the same excuse to squirm out of whatever accusations come flying our way.  And because of the snow and ice, we now have an airtight excuse when it inevitably arrives late.

Of course, that means the unfortunate lady will be forced to go without underwear on Valentine’s Day and, on top of that, the storm may have knocked out electricity by then.

No electricity?  No problem!  One romantic BBQ dinner on the gas grill coming right up, minus the obligatory chick flick viewing.

Mother Nature really is just one of the guys…

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40 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day Can’t Insult My Intelligence if There’s Snow

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  2. Too funny and too true. We had our big storm these past couple of days. Don’t know if we’ll be able to get out by Friday. I’m more concerned about a book I have on hold at the library that ends on Friday than the holiday of broken, bloody hearts. A BBQ dinner does sound good though.

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  4. Now Bumble, you sound more like a math or physics professor in this post. I’m sure that you could muster up something romantic if you had the proper muse. And, by the way, you are definitely dating the wrong lady if her heart’s desire is a vacuum cleaner on Valentine’s Day!

  5. One of my Xes was an engineer. The superior intelligence of the engineer was made palpable by the fact that he couldn’t figure out how to work the vacuum. Seriously. If he’d been LESS smart I wouldn’t have had to do all the cleaning. He couldn’t figure out how to read a recipe either. Brilliant man. 🙂

  6. Well we’re both advance thinkers because we wrote a Valentinesy blog way ahead of time (for the Daily post, that is) but I must say that you topped the Powerpoint laughs with this one. My favorite line was flowers headed for your salad. Closely followed by your Victoria Secret camouflage. lol But you’re right about men being in a no win situation in picking out clothes. Too big and you think we’re THAT fat…too small and you’re giving us a hint to drop a few. Here’s hoping you pick the right size vacuum….Great post !

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