As my regular readers already know, I’ve been unemployed for a while. Although the president recently attempted to sway employers to not discriminate against the long-term unemployed, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and start my own business. Since everyone seems so stressed about life concerns that pale in comparison to my own, I have developed my own line of new-age meditations. I have mastered the art of zen stoicism and I want you all to share my good mental health, if not necessarily my consumer acumen.
Existing products don’t fulfill the promises they make to spiritual acolytes. Just look at this guy:

Contemplation. In an attempt to drum up business, I decided to raise the photographer’s blood pressure by cropping today’s images beyond recognition. (Photo Credit: Cheri Lucas Rowlands)
Some mental health gurus would make you expend significant amounts of money to find a deserted molehill-sized mountain where you can stick your butt out and stress about all the money you spent to reach the mountain. Since money had probably caused your stress, I doubt this helps… especially since your financial irresponsibility will surely inspire your spouse (a.k.a. your other major source of stress) to rip your head off once you arrive home.
That can’t be rejuvenating.
Similarly, this guy has fallen for another marketing scam that will not improve his life:
I’m sure he felt quite relaxed, closing his eyes and contemplating the universe, just as he drifted off to sleep, soon to be submerged in eternal sleep under the soothing ripples of water.
But at least he’ll experience less stress.
And traditional meditation techniques always assume that an individual will be dumb enough to pursue one of these alternate venues for something that can be done at home.
Well, I suppose that depends on the loudness of your cohabitants…
Nevertheless, better places exist for relieving your psychological strains without noisy interruptions. Here’s one possibility:
Because of the real estate meltdown a few years ago, you should have no difficulty finding an abandoned building in a newly deserted part of town. Just find where a window used to be and climb on in. It may require a little exercise on your part but, then again, exercise relieves stress.
So thank me.
Anyway, now that you have discovered a cost-effective meditation location, you must station your body there without hesitation.
Lie down. Don’t worry about all the dirt on the floor. You can’t expect someone to vacuum a foreclosed property. Besides which, the dirt will bring you closer to nature’s eternal aspect. Especially if it’s asbestos…
Now close your eyes and let my calming words penetrate the inner reaches of your being:
Breathe in. Cough. Breathe out.
Relax your feet, your legs, your arms, your hands, your neck, your shoulders, your bladder.
The world is your oyster. Smell the oyster. Feel the wetness, the sand, the shell.
Be the shell. Fill your shell. You are the center of your shell.
Don’t clam up. Be the oyster. Relax your shell. Let the plankton in. Let the algae in. Let the amphibious roaches in. Be nourished. Be loved.
Rest your mind, little oyster. The fisherman will not come here. He cannot find you here. You are at peace here. Exhale. Let the roach exit your mouth. He isn’t healthy.
The reaper won’t find you here. The seasons don’t fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain. You can be like they are. Don’t fear the reaper.
Don’t fear your life. You are the oyster. A living oyster. Do not fry. Stay cool. Stay slimy. Stay in your shell. Your shell is safe and comfortable. Be comfortable. Be free from breadcrumbs.
Come out of your shell. A virtual ocean surrounds you. You are more powerful than the ocean. Splash. Make waves. Feel the waves wave back.
Be the waves. Flow with the wind. The waves came from you, your bladder, your soul.
Your soul is the center of your universe. Feel the orbit of the cosmos. Inhale. Exhale. And breathe.
Feel the cool air enter your lungs. Don’t worry about the gnats. Don’t worry about anything. The world is your oyster. You are the oyster. Your stress is your cloister. And you are the nun.
You have a habit. A bad habit. A black habit. Release your habit. Release your mind, your bladder, your soul. You can be happy. You can frolic on the beach. Feel the waves. Hear the waves. Smell the waves. Be the waves. And release the holy note of mystical revelation.
Behold the world. The world is your oyster. Eat the oyster. Feel the oyster massage your tongue, your throat, your stomach. Feel its illuminating power. The world is your oyster and the oyster is in you. The oyster is you.
Engage. Disengage. Feel the mountain. Feel the rocky mountain. You are the rocky mountain oyster. You create the waves. You are the bringer of life. Feel your life, your soul, your scrotum. Be at one with nature, the waves, the sand, the oysters.
You become a transparent eyeball. You are nothing. You see all. The currents of the Universal Being circulate through you. You are part or particle of God.
You are no longer the oyster. Shed your shell. You are no longer the rocky mountain oyster. Shed your skin. You are no longer the maker of waves. Shed your soul.
Awaken renewed and refreshed.
Although you need not pay for travel to pursue this spectacular new stress reduction method, you’ll probably need to invest in some strong laundry detergent. Despite that, I can proudly tell you that my “Seafaring Meditations” will be released on iTunes relatively soon. My calming voice will restore your life’s meaning, the meaning it had before you got all caught up in trivialities like the Super Bowl.
And this, my friends, is my new business. What do you think?
Pingback: Dancing with Fireflies
Pingback: 1,000 Empty Words | Lead us from the Unreal to the Real
I found your post in a link, while looking at Cheri Lucas Rowlands’ weekly challenge. Very funny! Your oyster speech would make a great comedy sketch script… While reading your initial commentary, I was led to imagine some absurd guided meditation exercises I’ve encountered. Your ending made me giggle, picturing the scene, like a bizarre comedy sketch. Your point is well made, this is an amusing piece.
Thanks very much. Glad you stopped by.
I don’t have a scrotum. Will your practices still work on me?
About as well as it will work for the guys who have to become a nun…
Then count me in!
Yippee!
Love it. I relaxed through laughter. http://marthakennedy.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/1176-imitation/
Nice, even though I also needed the explanation on the Woody Allen reference.
Oyster.
I’m not sure that works quite as well as “om.”
LOL!!!! Seriously, I have to remember not to read your blog while walking my dog, although my neighbor lady needed a brow lift anyhow….the old bag. This is the funniest thing ever. The caption under your first photo did me in first. The rest of it only sealed the deal. “You can’t expect someone to vacuum a foreclosed property!!” Oh my, my, my. Thank you.
Glad you enjoyed it. And don’t be too cruel to the neighbor. At least try, anyway.
Also I just realized you used the photos on Daily Post for this funny. That’s even more of a riot.
Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: 1,000 Words | imagination
I’ve tried your method, but all those multiple transformations from oyster to wave, back to oyster, to nun, back to oyster, then to eyeball, then to nothing are really difficult to complete and are really stressing me out.
Stress not, my child.
You can purchase a handy dandy user’s manual to supplement my meditations. You’ll feel better in no time.
Sorry, your “Stress not” suggestion have proved to be surprisingly effective, and I’m now fully relaxed.
You Sir/Ma’am, are a person after my own heart. Just stumbled across your blog and whoa!
I say everybody could use some good ranting.
Cheers.
Thanks very much!
(And I am a sir.)
Pingback: Journey of love | A mom's blog
the world is indeed your oyster. 🙂
And I bet you can lift my oyster over your head.
hahahahahahaha…. damn, that sounds dangerous. 😀
Pingback: DP Challenge: Carlos Santos Cardona | tnkerr-Writing Prompts and Practice
Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: 1000 words | Reflections and Nightmares- Irene A Waters (writer and memoirist)
Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: 1,000 Words | The Wandering Poet
Pingback: The End Of The Tunnel | Where is my mind?
ummm… that floating guy might actually be dead… he fell of a cruise ship after eating the shrimp and becoming violently ill… and that ’empty space’ looks a little too much like the ovens at Dachau…
Nah… the Dachau comparison is a stretch. That arch type is far too common to pin it to one location.
As for the body, I thought that too. Where do you think the thoughts on death came from?
I was just trying to be silly… it was a very lovely and reflective post.
And I think that response tells me all I need to know.
Really???
The floating guy is my husband, and he ate a bunch of lobster before getting in the water. So…not dead, just really bloated.
And I’m sure he’s amused to be reading this exchange (if you shared it with him).
Thanks for stopping by.
Oh… wow… I really didn’t mean to imply he was corpse-like… or anything… uh… sorry.
Pingback: I got a monster in my bed! | Words 'n Pics...
Pingback: One week with her | "The Ish," presented by the Bohemian Rock Star
Pingback: A lighter enlightenment | litadoolan
Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge – 5 FEB 14 | Joe's Musings
Pingback: The Camino Plan | Weekly Writing Challenge: 1,000 Words
Pingback: Changing the World, One Loan at a Time (Kiva – A Online Charity) | Ramisa the Authoress
Pingback: Giftless Anniversaries Insult My Intelligence | Bumblepuppies