As my regular readers already know, I’ve been unemployed for a while. Although the president recently attempted to sway employers to not discriminate against the long-term unemployed, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and start my own business. Since everyone seems so stressed about life concerns that pale in comparison to my own, I have developed my own line of new-age meditations. I have mastered the art of zen stoicism and I want you all to share my good mental health, if not necessarily my consumer acumen.
Existing products don’t fulfill the promises they make to spiritual acolytes. Just look at this guy:
Some mental health gurus would make you expend significant amounts of money to find a deserted molehill-sized mountain where you can stick your butt out and stress about all the money you spent to reach the mountain. Since money had probably caused your stress, I doubt this helps… especially since your financial irresponsibility will surely inspire your spouse (a.k.a. your other major source of stress) to rip your head off once you arrive home.
That can’t be rejuvenating.
Similarly, this guy has fallen for another marketing scam that will not improve his life:
I’m sure he felt quite relaxed, closing his eyes and contemplating the universe, just as he drifted off to sleep, soon to be submerged in eternal sleep under the soothing ripples of water.
But at least he’ll experience less stress.
And traditional meditation techniques always assume that an individual will be dumb enough to pursue one of these alternate venues for something that can be done at home.
Well, I suppose that depends on the loudness of your cohabitants…
Nevertheless, better places exist for relieving your psychological strains without noisy interruptions. Here’s one possibility:
Because of the real estate meltdown a few years ago, you should have no difficulty finding an abandoned building in a newly deserted part of town. Just find where a window used to be and climb on in. It may require a little exercise on your part but, then again, exercise relieves stress.
So thank me.
Anyway, now that you have discovered a cost-effective meditation location, you must station your body there without hesitation.
Lie down. Don’t worry about all the dirt on the floor. You can’t expect someone to vacuum a foreclosed property. Besides which, the dirt will bring you closer to nature’s eternal aspect. Especially if it’s asbestos…
Now close your eyes and let my calming words penetrate the inner reaches of your being:
Breathe in. Cough. Breathe out.
Relax your feet, your legs, your arms, your hands, your neck, your shoulders, your bladder.
The world is your oyster. Smell the oyster. Feel the wetness, the sand, the shell.
Be the shell. Fill your shell. You are the center of your shell.
Don’t clam up. Be the oyster. Relax your shell. Let the plankton in. Let the algae in. Let the amphibious roaches in. Be nourished. Be loved.
Rest your mind, little oyster. The fisherman will not come here. He cannot find you here. You are at peace here. Exhale. Let the roach exit your mouth. He isn’t healthy.
The reaper won’t find you here. The seasons don’t fear the reaper. Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain. You can be like they are. Don’t fear the reaper.
Don’t fear your life. You are the oyster. A living oyster. Do not fry. Stay cool. Stay slimy. Stay in your shell. Your shell is safe and comfortable. Be comfortable. Be free from breadcrumbs.
Come out of your shell. A virtual ocean surrounds you. You are more powerful than the ocean. Splash. Make waves. Feel the waves wave back.
Be the waves. Flow with the wind. The waves came from you, your bladder, your soul.
Your soul is the center of your universe. Feel the orbit of the cosmos. Inhale. Exhale. And breathe.
Feel the cool air enter your lungs. Don’t worry about the gnats. Don’t worry about anything. The world is your oyster. You are the oyster. Your stress is your cloister. And you are the nun.
You have a habit. A bad habit. A black habit. Release your habit. Release your mind, your bladder, your soul. You can be happy. You can frolic on the beach. Feel the waves. Hear the waves. Smell the waves. Be the waves. And release the holy note of mystical revelation.
Behold the world. The world is your oyster. Eat the oyster. Feel the oyster massage your tongue, your throat, your stomach. Feel its illuminating power. The world is your oyster and the oyster is in you. The oyster is you.
Engage. Disengage. Feel the mountain. Feel the rocky mountain. You are the rocky mountain oyster. You create the waves. You are the bringer of life. Feel your life, your soul, your scrotum. Be at one with nature, the waves, the sand, the oysters.
You become a transparent eyeball. You are nothing. You see all. The currents of the Universal Being circulate through you. You are part or particle of God.
You are no longer the oyster. Shed your shell. You are no longer the rocky mountain oyster. Shed your skin. You are no longer the maker of waves. Shed your soul.
Awaken renewed and refreshed.
Although you need not pay for travel to pursue this spectacular new stress reduction method, you’ll probably need to invest in some strong laundry detergent. Despite that, I can proudly tell you that my “Seafaring Meditations” will be released on iTunes relatively soon. My calming voice will restore your life’s meaning, the meaning it had before you got all caught up in trivialities like the Super Bowl.
And this, my friends, is my new business. What do you think?