Mortuaries Insult My Intelligence

I’m standing here at Deddinboxtin & Co. Funeral Services Inc. headquarters and have the good fortune to chat with this happy looking man, Mr. Deddinboxtin himself.  Face powdered white like an old-time theater ghost and black hair slicked back like a guy who has a bunch of perfumed girls lined up for the evening, he has kindly agreed to show me around the place.

His voice, it rumbles like a train crushing a poor little squirrel, thunderous in spite of the havoc it creates under its nose.  “We got us here some great opportunities mister.  What sorta receptacle can I pleasure ya with today?”

“Mr. Deddinboxtin, I’d like…”

“A casket I suppose.  We have lovely wood grain veneer coffins with shiny red satin lining and a pillow soft as snow for your loved one to feel cozy all eternity or however long she stays dead.  You can sell us the pillow back after the viewing if yer cheap that way, we don’t mind but yer loved one’ll haunt ya ’til the cows start singin’ Dixie.  Casket’s rated to last forever or ’til the worms get in and let those like totally gonzo embalmin’ fluids seep out and kill the water supply.  Best you buy the whole damn package… pillow, casket, sealant, and our extra special memorial keepsake ornament you can keep on yer Christmas tree every year to remember this special time in yer life.”

“A Christmas ornament?  I don’t think…”

“It’s green and red and has a picture of yer beloved’s face on the front surrounded by holly and we can get a mistletoe fer it if ya wanna keep the romance goin’ if ya know what I mean.  It’s silver veneer over a plaster interior and it’ll stay with ya the rest of yer life unless it falls apart like those cheap plastic ornaments we sold last year.”

“I’m curious.  What made you decide to become a mortician?”

“Easy schmeezy.  I get to help peeps through the toughest part of their lives and they always find everlastin’ joy.  Take a look at this here memorial flower arrangement.  It’s only $1,999.99 and comes with all the roses yer beloved could ever dream of, unless ya want the deluxe bouquet with these rockin’ neon lights.  It’s a steal at only five hundred more.  She’ll know how much ya love her when she looks down from Heaven I hope and sees the lovin’ embrace yer givin’ her in the grave.  Them ladies gotta have them some flowers.  Ya want one arrangement or two?”

“What, pray tell…”

“Prayers, oh yeah, I about forgot the minister.  We keep a minister on staff and he’s the greatest thing you’ll ever see.  Dresses all in black to mark the occasion and he’s even got his own set of holy books.  Wrote ’em himself so we can say they’re good for any religion or atheists.  Them there atheists need a minister too and I’m here to sell him to ’em.  Oh, and you.  Should I mark ya down for the fifteen or thirty minute sermon?”

“But Mr. Deddinboxtin, no one died.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”