It’s Sunday and you’re sitting on the couch watching TV instead of doing something useful with your time. Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely fair. With the economy being so rotten, let’s assume that you’re performing your patriotic duty by watching commercials. Maybe you’ll even buy something.
Today, I’d like to help ensure that your much needed purchase doesn’t turn out to be crap. The method is simple: look for the word “you” in the commercial and, when you find it, avoid the product. Claiming that a product is “perfect for the perfect you” or “fits the way you live” relieves businesses from having to make specific claims about their product’s quality. Perfect for you, how?
Because it has “the quality you’ve known for years.” True, but if the product is garbage, that’s not a selling point. Telling me that I know the product is garbage shouldn’t make me want to buy it…
Unless I’ve had a lobotomy. Sad thing is, these commercials work. You can tell this by their continued proliferation on TV. And they work because we’re all little children.
(Photo credit: roseoftimothywoods)
Get a clue! You’re perfect and you’ll be even more perfect with our product. (Obligatory grammar note: I realize that “more perfect” is gibberish, but since when is gibberish prohibited from commercials?) We can sell a new you to you because you love you, don’t you? And if you buy our crap, it behooves you to believe us when we tell you that you are really buying you. And it’s all true, too, because you belong in the loo. And we can rhyme “you” and “true” and “too” and make a nifty little jingle out of your pathetic little self. And then you will think you never knew differently, at least until the bill comes due. Then you’ll be blue.
ooooooh…
Just be sure your pathetic little self forks over the $24.99 for shipping and handling. You handle the payment, the mailman handles the delivery, and we handle the long pointy object going towards your [adult content, censored by blogger. However, in the spirit of the post, it should be noted that the body part sometimes resembles a giant U. How convenient.]
umm… I have a new series on my blog that would be perfect for YOU… HA!… no really… do my interview thing…
ooh ooh ooh… that looks like free advertising for my blog! I have a longstanding interest in free advertising…
That is exactly what it is… the first unselfish thing I ever did here… or anywhere…
Well then, send me 4 questions and I may participate if I feel that the exposure will benefit me personally.
It doesn’t work like that… you get all the questions…
I wasn’t exactly asking you to answer anything. Or did you forget that your original post claims you’ll be sending out individualized questions for everyone?
And now I am asking you questions…
You get two or three special you questions at the end of the big list of questions everybody has to answer… sorry for the confusion
But I want 4 because I’m special.
I thought you meant only four, not four extra… I need an email… and a couple of days… because people are lining up
I just sent you an email.
And I may need the few extra days myself if this here weather knocks out my electricity.
It will all work out. I didn’t expect this much interest.
I saw one today for plastic food containers with hinged lids. The commercial said it would save hours spend hunting for the correct lid for a given container. Who is spending hours hunting a lid?!
But the commercial said the containers fit my relaxed lifestyle… 😦
I only watch Netflix, because it has no advertising, and because I saw an ad that said Netflix would be perfect for me…. Damn it.
I’ve never used Netflix. Of course, I’ve always lacked either the time or money…