It’s Sunday and you’re sitting on the couch watching TV instead of doing something useful with your time. Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely fair. With the economy being so rotten, let’s assume that you’re performing your patriotic duty by watching commercials. Maybe you’ll even buy something.
Today, I’d like to help ensure that your much needed purchase doesn’t turn out to be crap. The method is simple: look for the word “you” in the commercial and, when you find it, avoid the product. Claiming that a product is “perfect for the perfect you” or “fits the way you live” relieves businesses from having to make specific claims about their product’s quality. Perfect for you, how?
Because it has “the quality you’ve known for years.” True, but if the product is garbage, that’s not a selling point. Telling me that I know the product is garbage shouldn’t make me want to buy it…
Unless I’ve had a lobotomy. Sad thing is, these commercials work. You can tell this by their continued proliferation on TV. And they work because we’re all little children.
Get a clue! You’re perfect and you’ll be even more perfect with our product. (Obligatory grammar note: I realize that “more perfect” is gibberish, but since when is gibberish prohibited from commercials?) We can sell a new you to you because you love you, don’t you? And if you buy our crap, it behooves you to believe us when we tell you that you are really buying you. And it’s all true, too, because you belong in the loo. And we can rhyme “you” and “true” and “too” and make a nifty little jingle out of your pathetic little self. And then you will think you never knew differently, at least until the bill comes due. Then you’ll be blue.
Just be sure your pathetic little self forks over the $24.99 for shipping and handling. You handle the payment, the mailman handles the delivery, and we handle the long pointy object going towards your [adult content, censored by blogger. However, in the spirit of the post, it should be noted that the body part sometimes resembles a giant U. How convenient.]