Congratulations on your impending divorce! Before you got married, some of our friends predicted that your relationship wouldn’t last long but you exceeded everyone’s expectations
There was, of course, the bickering, the bickering, and the bickering. If you have guests over, or are guests at someone else’s home, you shouldn’t be arguing loudly for thirty minutes, repeatedly, about insignificant details.
But that’s not your greatest fault as a couple. See, when things went wrong, you decided that I would be an excellent person to talk things over with. Me, the bachelor with no psychological training whatsoever. I can only smile and nod in that situation… though I’m only smiling on the inside and that’s because you make me thankful to not have married so young.
Of course, my lack of experience makes me an exceptionally unbiased and knowledgeable arbiter of your innermost dissatisfactions. So, without further ado, I would like to offer ten pieces of advice straight from my heart.
1- You are both deranged. Custody of the children should be awarded to someone else. Anyone else… but not me.
2- Your arguments over money are easier to solve. If you cannot agree on who gets it, let me borrow it on an indefinite basis so that it can create no additional ill will between you.
3- The house is less simple, especially since its value crashed a few years back. Perhaps you’d find it financially beneficial to share the house as roommates.
4- I refuse to referee your sex life because there’s not supposed to be sex after marriage except to create children. I expect both of you to practice celibacy after the divorce out of respect for your ex-spouse.
5- Murder is still illegal. I’m pretty confident that a licensed professional will tell you the same thing.
6- Divorce is fun. You’ll get to spend more time on each other than you have in years.
7- I don’t care whose fault it is. Right now, you’re both at fault for disturbing my peace and quiet. Please argue as though you were in a library.
8- Speaking of libraries, perhaps reading a book would calm you down. Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” would calm you down for a long time. Maybe that’s a good choice. But, please, don’t try to share a single copy. Sharing things hasn’t worked well between you in the past. You can afford two copies.
9- The pets are easier to divide… right down the middle and then thrown on the grill. I’m glad you have fish instead of dogs.
10- You say you want to give the marriage one last try? Then, please, talk to a professional who can give decent advice. But don’t spend too much time on it because it’s expensive and you always argue about money.