Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, Darthbama, son of fellow war criminal Darth Cheney (who had become too old and feeble for that heavy mask), had successfully beaten back the Tea Jedi Rebels, who in turn were headed by his son Cruz Skywalker. (I apologize, but someone had to be the protagonist. Joeda was out of the picture because Princess Leia Skywalker Clinton viewed his continued visibility as threatening to her future political prospects.) In their previous encounter, Darthbama had promised the Tea Jedi that they could keep their spaceships after his minions had blown them to smithereens. You see, Darthbama was the most arrogant warrior in the universe and he used his Hopenchange ™ laser stick to brainwash his opponents. Or so he thought because, as need not be repeated, Darthbama was arrogant and his tactics did not always function as planned.
Besides the revelations of his obvious lies, Cruz Skywalker had neutralized Darthbama’s strong point. Darthbama had become commander by becoming a postracial villain. People supported his ascent as a way of shielding themselves from the label of “racist,” although they forgot that all commanders become black in that ridiculous outfit. Suddenly, Darthbama had lost his advantage to a newcomer who similarly made his supporters feel racially sensitive. Neither man demonstrated much wisdom, nor were they good at negotiating or compromise. However, they both possessed spectacular skill at getting under the skin of Oboehner Wan Kenobi.
And so the two opponents decided to meet. Before I describe the meeting, I should mention that neither man attempted to bring a substantive resolution to the Intergalactic Subcommittee beforehand. The vote would have been along party lines: R2, D2 (with C3PO abstaning), meaning that nothing would have moved forward… as usual. The powers usually granted by Air Force One were not with them and they stuck their tongues out at each other like little children.
Ah yes, they were two little children at the center of intergalactic power. Their meeting place was old, but well lit, and evidenced the presence of former commanders on every wall. The two “men” raised no weapons for fear of damaging the antique furniture but Darthbama, in his infinite wisdom, uttered one lone sentence to his adversary:
“Cruz, I am your father.”
With that, the heavens opened, incandescent lights beamed down, and the truth became known to all. This slogan, conveniently merged with a classic movie scene, came to epitomize interforce relations on that planet. While people chanted the line not knowing its true meaning, a select few recognized in that line how idiotic the public discourse had become. Ironically, Cruz Skywalker was Darthbama’s figurative son because both men lacked competence for positions of power and could do little more than exchange snide comments.
Blogger’s note: I apologize for the lack of plot in this fictional work. Little ever happens in this intergalactic setting and I didn’t want to bore you. If you wait a few decades, there may be some progress to report.