The Nightly News Insults My Intelligence

The WordPress Weekly Photo Challenge inspired me to consider new avenues for my job search.  And it finally dawned on me: the news industry constantly bombards us with valuable insights on every conceivable story and non-story, so surely I have ideas that I could market and get myself hired with.

And because the job search is so important, I am starting my portfolio with work that addresses one of the most critical topics of the day: the Anthony Weiner saga.  (For those of you outside of the United States, Anthony Weiner is a former congressman who resigned from office after revelations that he had texted photos of “himself” to women other than his wife.  He’s now running for New York mayor and the news says he has been sending photos again.)

So… every news reporter asks two questions when covering a story.  Those are:

1- How can I turn this into a lesson for the viewers at home?

2- What kind of graphic can I create for this?

To answer the first question, the best possible lesson one could learn is whether a horizontally or vertically oriented image makes one’s special body parts look bigger.  Fortunately, this question fits in with the pressing issues the major news organizations like to cover.

And I know you’re itching to see the photos, so here we go:

Horizontal orientation, uncropped

Horizontal orientation, uncropped

Vertical orientation, uncropped

Vertical orientation, uncropped

In case you were wondering, I chose a duck to represent Weiner’s nether regions because of its G-rating and because immature people can still get a kick out of certain slang that references its beak.  (Remember, the news has to be entertaining.)  Since I went with a completely hairless Anthony Weiner, I also thought the feathers would add a touch of realism.

Anyway, you’ll probably notice that the vertically oriented photo has a slimming effect on the body.  The vertical photo is also more in-your-face with less empty space, plus you get a clearer view of the belly button.  (Unfortunately, that’s not the body part Mr. Weiner wanted to advertise.)  The vertical orientation also left the shot more susceptible to the curtains’ shadows getting in the way.

And then the duck takes up most of the vertical space in the horizontal photo while it’s a small bird on a giant landscape in the vertically oriented photo.

So I think the choice is clear.  To minimize their humiliation when their private photos become public, politicians (and you at home) should align all tasteless photos horizontally.  Unless, of course, you’re embarrassed to have people see your entire gut…

And now that I have proven my value as a bona fide news reporter, I expect to receive phone calls from the major news organizations in the coming days.  I look forward to educating the public on other equally important topics.

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