The last few Saturdays have been pretty slow around here, so I’m doing a cheaper post than usual. Although almost everyone does a “guess what idiotic search term led to my blog” post, I do not plan on being that predictable. This blog is a place for new and different ideas about stupidity.
Therefore, I am going to make fun of spam messages in a way that’s new and different (according to me). Because I’m special and unique. And because it’s Saturday.
You see, it’s not surprising when someone finds your blog with a search term like “Barack Obama’s toupee with manatee and iceberg sandcastle.” What’s funny is that a spammer thinks you’ll be interested in “Barack Obama’s toupee with manatee and iceberg sandcastle.” Especially if they’re selling pills.
So, without further ado, here are some of the ridiculous things spammers of my blog think I’d enjoy:
The user named “homecoming dresses at Kohl’s” left this on my “Bad Sonnet” post because bloggers obviously need a sophisticated introduction to basic computer use:
“Emoticons are becoming a cultural icon of their own kind. With this fun, and often corky graphics recipients possess the ability to comprehend the sender’s mental states thoroughly via chat and instant messenger services literally at any given time. Th…”
Does Kohl’s even sell homecoming dresses? And may I assume that this spammer suddenly realized how idiotic the message was? I mean, something had to motivate the ellipsis. Maybe it (the spammer) realized that it had forgotten to continue selling its product in the spam message.
And then my iTunes post inspired a spam response from fattyliverhelp dot com. If I had written a post about French goose products or the geese that produce them, I could understand this one. Well, I suppose goose may be tasty with apple…
I’ll skip over the sexually themed spam (because no one’s interested in sex) and move straight into “how to get rid of acne.” Here’s what that spammer tried to post:
“Potato is highly efficient cure for how
to get rid of acne. However, some patients suffering from certain types
of brain cancers.”
I thought spammers usually tried to sell products they can make a decent profit off of. Potatoes don’t seem to qualify. The phrasing of this also seems to indicate that potatoes don’t cure brain cancer; in other words, a spam message is accurate for once. The implied linkage of acne and brain cancer might have scared me if I were in high school, though.
And then there’s my personal favorite. The author is “How To Woo a Man Back | Find Love Today.” This might be relatively normal spam if it weren’t advertising online resources for lesbians.
Moral of the story: there isn’t one. However, if you find a picture of Barack Obama’s toupee with iceberg and sandcastle, please keep it to yourself.