THINGS THAT INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE

Showing Up Late Insults My Intelligence

Travel tip: If you show up early, the workers may see you and conveniently forget to put up those obnoxious chains that keep people from getting too close to the attraction.  Then, you might find yourself in the fray of some nice, beautiful military endeavors:

Luckily, I've never had to be closer to the business end of a cannon.

Luckily, I’ve never been closer to the business end of a cannon.

In case you were wondering, this is the changing of the guards in Stockholm.

Weakness Insults My Intelligence

A very wise looking creature, I must say.  (Photo credit: Brent Bristol)

A very wise looking creature, I must say. (Photo credit: Brent Bristol)

cockroach (n) :

1: Small, soft, squishy animal that cannot bite people, cannot scratch people, cannot eat people. It has no stinger, no eight arms with suction cups, no pointy beak, no odorous spray, no noticeable excrement, plenty of culinary uses in some countries, and probable scientific uses in developing a way to shield ourselves from nuclear weapons.

2: Minor character on The Cosby Show.

3: (Popular usage) Ferocious beast worthy of infinite fear.

Forgetting the Little Guy Insults My Intelligence

I’ve grown weary of watching all the big, “interesting” words hog the spotlight. After all, those rock stars are worthless without their sidekicks. Today, I’d like to focus some attention on the most resplendent of those “lesser” linguistic warriors:

The king (a.k.a. King The) has arrived.

The king (a.k.a. King The) has arrived.

King The can dazzle readers with his versatility. Although he maintains a single definition, he can be pronounced two ways to maintain auditory fluidity at all times. He also fills in gaps when things would otherwise sound clumsy or stilted. He even gives eyes a much needed respite between the more acknowledged behemoths of meaning.

Don’t take this as an article of faith. This article is the genuine article.

All hail The!

Night Insults My Intelligence

You may remember that I’ve already written two posts (about London and Stockholm) on how low-light conditions can contribute to greater pleasure as a tourist.  Today, I’m shifting gears to explain how sunlight can provide new and profoundly accurate dimensions to what you see.  For instance, take this photograph:

Witness this colossal marvel as it stretches towards the sun.  It's the stuff of dreams.

Marvel as this beast stretches towards the sun. It’s the stuff of dreams.

What thoughts entered your mind when you saw that picture?  Don’t worry.  It’s okay that your mind didn’t move towards G-rated things like Thumper and Bambi and Bambi’s mom.  I took this shot in Amsterdam and the sunlight makes this structure look… uh…  well…

People go to Amsterdam to experience precisely this.  I think that explains it.

Closed Ears Insult My Intelligence

In this age of Twitter and of Facebook status updates and of the constant broadcasting of everyone’s most insignificant thoughts as though they were meaningful, people have grown accustomed to letting their ideas flow uninterrupted and unchallenged.  At the same time, the art of listening has been forgotten.  For that reason, I’d like to promote the relearning of that critical skill:

1- Take your fingers out of your ears.  I realize that you’re trying to expedite the listening process by trying to remove all that wax.  Unfortunately, that’s less helpful than you think.

2- Shut your trap.  You do not hear through your tongue.

3- Stop talking.  If the other person can’t get a word in edgewise, you’re not listening.

4- Be quiet.  It’s hard to hear the other person when you’re making all that noise.

5- Zip it.  (Your mouth and especially your pants.  Distractions are bad.)

6- Now that your mouth is hopefully inactive, get rid of all that extra noise inside your head.  You know, it’s your planned reply or perhaps the latest Miley Cyrus song you just can’t get out of your head.  I figure I can accuse you of loving Miley Cyrus because you’re not listening to me anyway.

7- Do not assume that the other person is full of bullshit simply because they’re not telling you what you already believe.  The world is full of people who already do that   They’re called politicians, prostitutes, and clothing salespeople. 

8- It does not count as listening when you believe the salesman when he tells you that your butt does not look big in whatever you’re trying on.  Listening means taking a moment to think about what you’re hearing.

9- Never forget that what you supposedly hear is important to the other person, even if you consider it to be total BS.  They’ll be annoyed if you disregard what entered your ears.  Bugs can be sent in to check on the successful transmission of information.

10- Start drinking.  Listening will open up a world of unpleasant information and alcohol is one effective way to cope with the shattering of your fragile little worldview.

11- In case you didn’t get the point earlier, shut up.

This isn't listening.  (Photo credit: oddharmonic)

This isn’t listening. (Photo credit: oddharmonic)

Brainless Blog Posts Insult My Intelligence

Sometimes I get sick of wading through posts that show no evidence that a brain is or was present on its blog.  Brains are important.  (So is beauty.  Me saying that is how you can tell I’m probably not a zombie.)

I can do better.  Therefore, I’d like to show you something pretty today:

You deserve to look at something of this quality.

You deserve to look at something of this quality.

Look at the motion of the ocean.  Such beauty!  See the algae gyrating in the waves.  Notice the sunlight glistening off of the pristine water.

Oops!  I’m terribly sorry.  That’s not water.  It’s a recolored photo of raw pork brains.  You can see the original picture here.  And before you complain…

At least I kept my promise about not giving you a brainless post.

The Great Abracadabra Debate Insults My Intelligence

This picture has less to do with this post than you might think.  It came through on my Google search and I thought it was worth keeping.  Never let it be said that I don't try to expand your horizons.  (The original is in the public domain and is reprinted here.)

This picture has less to do with this post than you might think. It came through on my Google search and I thought it was worth keeping. Never let it be said that I don’t try to expand your horizons. (The original is in the public domain and is reprinted here.)

I, a supernatural blogger, am writing about magic today.  Stuff like this always turns out well for everyone involved.

You see, it was reportedly someone in my body who invented these wonderful blog posts.  The idea was supposedly to improve my post figure at the cost of your opportunity to read new content.  Because I am lazy.

And then, as can be readily observed, followers of my blog did not spend their time trying to convince me to stop using this same post format.  It’s less work-intensive than poems and the repetition can be difficult for readers to unmask.  That also shows how I’m inventive.

So I recycle posts because I’m lazy and I recycle posts because I’m inventive.  This fits a prominent definition of gibberish wherein the object of gibberish is viewed as conforming to a somethingorother whatever regardless of how it is written.

Seriously.  That’s a factual definition.  For instance, bloggers stereotypically avoid gibberish because it’s not readable.  And when they do go for it, it’s not readable.  And no action can break the cycle of incoherence because anything will be twisted around to fit “The Great __________bra Debate Insults My Intelligence.”

And with that in mind, the accusations of impropriety insult my intelligence.  There’s simply no way to behave towards blog readers that will not get me identified as somethingorother.  That’s not fair.

Even though I really am somethingorother.

Blogger’s note: I really have written four radically similar posts over the past month or so.  Here are the other three:

The Great Algebra Debate Insults My Intelligence
 
The Great Zebra Debate Insults My Intelligence
 
The Great Bra Debate Insults My Intelligence

Bras have been strewn all around here lately, and abracadabra gives you two for the price of one.

Oink!


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