Children’s Vegetables Insult My Intelligence

Sorry.  You came to the wrong place if you were expecting a post about Spongebob brand baby carrots.  Like Spongebob, those carrots are supposed to be presumably harmless to the at-least-semi-average human of youthful age.

Instead, I’d like to chat about other foods that children don’t usually like.  For example, chilies.  Here in the non-southwestern US, folks have a tendency to use fewer ingredients that impart a noticeably strong flavor and/or punishment to their tongues.  Needless to say, chilies are a tougher sell in this climate than in others, especially to kids who don’t want to eat anything that doesn’t contain chocolate or breast milk.

And so some brilliant nomenclaturist discovered the world’s hottest chili.  It is around 250 times hotter than a jalapeno, which puts it a lot closer to pepper spray than to anything you normally put in your mouth on purpose.

Seriously, I’m not joking.

Red means stop.  (Photo credit: Thaumaturgist)

Red means stop. (Photo credit: Thaumaturgist)

Food heat is measured in scoville units.  Jalapenos range from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units.  Pepper spray is two million Scoville units.  This chili weighs in at one million.

And they decided to call it a “ghost chili.”  Does that sound like something your child would pick up in the store and bite into because it sounds cool?

I thought so.  On the other hand, maybe that will teach them a very important lesson.  For example, they can learn to avoid vegetables.

With apologies for the bad pun, the resulting tongue damage is why the younger generation has such bad taste.  It’s not Bieber’s fault for once.



Lying to Children Insults My Intelligence

Today, I would like to make a public service announcement to all the children who started following my blog after the recent Vagina Monologues post.  I feel that we must teach them the value of orderly speech and behavior.  And so, without further ado, I present to you a special guide for the little ones.

Good morning boys and girls!  I hope you had sweet dreams, dreams of lollipops and cookies and cute little kitty cats.  Your mommy and daddy want you to be happy.  Your mommy and daddy are always right.

Your mommy and daddy also say things you don’t understand.  You should be like mommy and daddy.  You should talk like mommy and daddy.  You should learn what their words mean.

Never stop learning.  (Photo credit: rude cactus)

Never stop learning. (Photo credit: rude cactus)

“Beer” is not for you.  It’s how mommy and daddy make babies.  You can try beer when you’re 28.  By then, you will be finishing “college.”  College is where people learn how to use beer.  These lessons take a very long time.

A “condom” is a small water balloon.  That’s why mommy and daddy are always playing with them.  Ask daddy why the condoms are so small.

“Emphysema” is why the ham tastes so good.  It takes a lot of smoke to make an emphysema.  If mommy keeps smoking, worms will think you taste good too.

Everybody “has sex.”  You are a girl or a boy.  Your daddy is a big boy.  Your mommy is a big girl.  That is their sex.  Tell mommy and daddy every day that they have sex.

“Guns” will make you happy unless the other kids get more of them.  Ask mommy and daddy to buy you guns.  One day, you’ll be allowed to “vote.”  If you have a lot of guns, your “vote” can protect them.  If you vote for guns, you can have a Tea Party.

“Gay marriage” means nothing.  Gay means “happy” and all marriages are happy.  Mommy and daddy are always happy.  Tell mommy and daddy that they have a gay marriage.  If they ask questions, tell mommy that she’s as good as a man.  All women are as good as men.

“The F word” is “fart.”  Tell your teacher that mommy and daddy do the F word on the sofa.  And they do it in the kitchen.  And in the bathroom.   And in the front yard.  If your teacher looks unhappy, just say “pork and beans.”

“Repossessed” means that ghosts now live in your house.  The ghosts want to kill you.   That smaller apartment will save your life.  Mommy and Daddy are crying because they’re so happy.  Tell mommy and daddy that the IRS is glad they’re happy.

“The IRS” are my heroes.  They’re like the Ghostbusters, but they carry better guns.  Guns make people happy.  Call the IRS today and ask them to visit mommy and daddy.

“Schizophrenia” means that you can ask mommy and daddy the same question until you get the answer you want.  They won’t remember they said “no” three times before that.  Schizophrenia makes mommy and daddy better parents.  Look for the word “schizophrenia” on all those tiny little bottles in mommy and daddy’s bathroom.

The Vagina Monologues Insult My Intelligence

You may remember recent reports that a second grade teacher had to prevent a parent from distributing vagina cookies to the class. I can’t deliver the story any better than the original, so here are a couple of excerpts:

Autumn Lily Speaker comes into the classroom with a pan full of treats. [...]  “I decided you can use these to teach the kids about the woman’s vagina today”. Baffled and completely caught off guard I slowly peel the aluminum foil off the pan to behold a plethora of sugar cookie and frosting vaginas. Not just any old vagina, but ALL KINDS OF VAGINAS.


[P]erplexed I give the parent the most professional look I can muster and quietly reply “I’m sorry Autumn, but I can’t give these to my students. This just isn’t appropriate.” [...] Autumn bursts with the fury of a thousand angry Andrea Dworkin’s and starts yelling in front of the class about how ‘I should be proud of my vagina’ and ‘I am settling for a women’s role in life’. Utterly bemused and frozen from shock all I can do is stand and stare at the woman as the word ‘vagina’ is yelled in front of my second grade class about 987,000 times.

It gets worse from there.  In a subsequent email, the parent implies that the children should learn how to pleasure the vagina and expresses hope that the teacher will be beaten by an abusive husband.


This is what the Vagina Monologues ISN’T. Actresses proclaim the value of their vaginas; the genitals themselves don’t speak. Presumably. (Photo credit: Mattias Johansson)

News of the altercation eventually landed on Huffington Post and I’m surprised that HuffPost would feature a story that opens the floodgates for criticizing feminists.  I spent many years on college campuses and this incident reminds me of V Day.  “V Day,” or Vagina Day, is the campus feminists’ replacement for the standard February 14 holiday.  The feminists distribute vagina lollipops instead of vagina cookies and they urge “pride in your vagina” and the pleasuring thereof.  (In other words, the mother sounds like she just came from campus.)  V Day’s centerpiece is the performance of Eve Ensler’s “Vagina Monologues,” a piece that includes some value but also some pedophilia; however, proceeds are often donated to women’s support charities, which must be said in its defense.  Also to be said in its defense: Roseanne Barr performed the piece in her underwear a few years back, so there’s obviously some sweet stuff for the men too… in addition to the lollipops.  (Cool down.  This is a humor blog, remember?)

Long story short: this is what a lot of college students are being taught and the cupcake incident illustrates the unintended consequences of this well-intended V Day programming.  Just because it works in theory doesn’t mean it will work outside the university with young children, or with older children, or with adults, or with dead people.  (I take that back.  Maybe it would work with dead people because they lack brain function.)  It’s not the real world’s fault that the intellectual idealist’s ideas fall flat when removed from the academic cloister. Them students don’t remember the lesson right when they leave skool and then the kiddies hafta suffer.  The adults too.

The feminism that helps protect women on campus seems to have led at least this one mother to wish domestic violence on another woman.  The Women’s Studies professors would be so proud.

Odie Insults My Intelligence

Once upon a time, an anti-drug crusader named Jim Davis decided to write a comic strip to warn children about the dangers of addictions.

Yes, I mean Garfield.

However, Mr. Davis missed the boat.  He depicted a feline lasagna addict who couldn’t resist anything edible; Davis could have easily added an illegal dependency to the character and still had him be believable.  Problem is, Garfield displays intelligence and humor and everything else you don’t want people associating with dangerous behaviors.

And then there’s Odie.

Look at those unnaturally wide eyes.  (Photo credit: Marty--McFly)

Look at those unnaturally wide eyes. (Photo credit: Marty–McFly)

“Odie” is an extended spelling of O.D., which in turn is short for overdose.  Odie was supposed to foreshadow the dangers of addiction: mental incapacity, constant drooling, hyperactivity, and the unending potential for someone to cry out O.D. if he does something really bad.  Instead, Davis characterized Odie as friendly, innocent, and often more likable than any other character in the comic strip.

That’s not how you talk people out of using drugs.

Ignorant Testimony Insults My Intelligence

I believe in honor.  It’s honorable… and the Honorable one sitting in front of the courtroom sees it that way too.  Sometimes, that’s the person who’ll decide whether you win your case.

Therefore, in the interests of honor and your future legal undertakings, I’d like to offer some advice that might be useful to you or your witnesses as you partake in the glorious art of litigation:

1- If you’re asked a question, the correct answer is not “YES! uh… wait a minute let me think about that.”  You should know immediately whether you spend four hours per day submerged in a fish tank with your pet Goldy.  Your hesitation sounds sillier than your act of communion with that poor little goldfish.

2- The defendant is not schizophrenic.  The defendant also does not suffer from any of the other psychiatric conditions you’re listing.  You majored in statistics; you should know the odds of your diagnostic pronouncements being seen as credible.  Hint: it starts with a zero.

3- Do not accuse the defendant of committing a crime that occurred seventeen years ago unless you just learned that information today.  The police wanted that information seventeen years ago and now they probably want you just as much for not giving it to them.

4- When the judge starts laughing at you, you should stop talking.

5- When the judge falls asleep, that’s the time to inform everyone of all those pesky incriminating details.

6- You should know BEFOREHAND whether you’re a credible witness.  If you’re describing someone’s character and can’t produce any information from the past ten years, you look like an idiot.  On second thought, you ARE an idiot.

7- Your lawyer is your friend.  (Did you ever think you’d read that sentence?)  Do not lie to your lawyer.  If your lawyer doesn’t know the weaknesses in your case, no attempt can be made to ever-so-ethically brush them under the rug.  Telling your lawyer also helps when your opposition brings up those pesky little details; all that smooth courtroom talk has to be prepared in advance.

8- Don’t be squirrely.   Only authentic squirrels can do that without looking guilty.  Sometimes.

Not guilty of stealing acorns?  I think not.  (Photo credit: NHN_2009)

Not guilty of stealing acorns? I think not. (Photo credit: NHN_2009)

Stating the Obvious Insults My Intelligence

I’m not naive.  I realize that the news has to be dumbed down for a lot of people to understand it.  I know that “news entertainment” has to be created from thin air to make people click on ad-generating links.

Unfortunately, people are dumber than I thought.

I found this lovely headline today: Analysis: US Strikes Unsettle Damascus.  Did people really think the Syrians and their leaders aren’t “unsettled” when people drop bombs on their country?

So this is what passes for “analysis” these days…

This photo isn't of the airstrikes; this airplane participated in "Operation Deliberate Force."  May God have mercy on us all if the military is staging non-deliberate force in addition to its regularly scheduled excursions.  (Photo credit: US Army, public domain)

This photo isn’t of the airstrikes; this airplane participated in “Operation Deliberate Force.” May God have mercy on us all if the military is staging non-deliberate force in addition to its regularly scheduled excursions. (Photo credit: US Army, public domain)


Les Miserables Insults My Intelligence

Once upon a time, a wicked criminal stole a loaf of bread to fill his family’s stomachs.

Is this worth going to jail and besmirching your honor for?  (Photo credit: David Monniaux)

Is this worth going to jail and besmirching your honor for? (Photo credit: David Monniaux)

The arrogant and self-centered thief failed to look beyond his own desires.  The shop owner needed to sell that bread for a profit to feed his own family.  Unfortunately, no one feels sad for a capitalist.

Moreover, the shop in question was Le Subway Cafe.  Therefore, our thief deserves even less sympathy.  Ask not what the restaurant chain puts in its bread or whether our thief might not also be guilty of attempting to poison his family.


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